Week 22: First soccer game.

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Friday I got my hair done. It took hours. I love it. I sent lots of ridiculous pictures to my friends because we all need some amusement sometimes right?

I've been feeling less than amusing lately. I'm trying so hard to let go. Not of him. I need to let go of the pain. The sadness.  The constant ache for my children. It's a heavy weight. An unimaginable weight honestly. And letting go is an impossible task this month. I've got it slotted for next month but it's flexible. We'll see. 😂

Either way, I'm trying to do what I need to do for me. Nobody else is living this surreal existence for me. I even went out Saturday night. It was just to our bar with The Besties but I just assumed I'd hole up the entire month so it was nice. Went and got Little2 and she came home but L1 stayed at my MIL's.

I got my living room, kitchen, and pantry cleaned out again. It's a never ending cycle. Do it once,  do it fifty more times. How does it happen? And why do all the people in books seem to get little elf people that help when I seem to get the ones who sneak in when I'm not looking and move all my stuff? We also got some nests built into the chicken coop because we're having eggs now. Sweet girls out there making some delicious breakfast.

Monday the kids were late. I don't know if the alarm didn't go off or if I turned it off. Oh well. It was not on purpose. So I got there, went back home, and enjoyed hot chocolate in my mug my mom got me in Chattanooga. The Cheshire Cat disappears. I don't care if I'm a kid. It's cool.

This was a facebook post from this week. Life insurance folks. Get it and pray it is years of wasted money. It does pay if you go with a good company. Research. Don't take my word for it, but don't delude yourself into thinking it's useless and you won't need it.

We're still trying at soccer. L1 managed an entire half of a game before he couldn't walk. I have a feeling he over did it and won't be playing in another one.I hate it because he loves it but I love him not being hurt long term so we'll see what happens.

Yesterday was just a plain day and today we missed the 2nd soccer game. He overdid it for sure. I knew it while it was happening. He's not as upset about it as I thought he'd be though. I think he's tired of hurting. This was just another "normal" week. Makes for a boring post but a great week for us. 

Links to the previous and next post are below.

Week 21
Week 23

Week 21: Chattanooga IronMan

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This has been a long week but not a terrible one. Friday I packed and tried to mentally prepare for being gone all weekend. Another stress but I was still excited to go to Chattanooga. It was the first IronMan competition I've ever been to and I  was amazed at the people doing it. The amount of motivation and determination they possess is off the chart. Anxiety from packing and knowing I had to travel made me feel like this.

It wasn't all bad though. I took Little1 to see my massage therapist for his shin splints. His Achilles tendon was so tight it was in danger of ripping in half. She worked it out thankfully. If you're in our area you should go see her. She's worked out all of our issues. He has had to soak and ice it all week but it's doing better now. The Besties and their boys stayed the night so we could all leave together the next morning. We ate way too much Chinese food for dinner and tried to go to bed early.

We got up Saturday and left pretty early but we wanted to get there in time to go see all the stuff set up for IronMan and tour Chattanooga a little bit. We met my mom at the hotel and unloaded everything. Have I mentioned all 8 of us were staying in the same room? At first not everyone was going then the hotel booked all the rooms. Glad we're all family! haha. We thought it was going to be crazy. Then we Uber'd a ride and went downtown. It was really nice. One of my favorite cousins lives in Chatt with his wife so we got to see them and they led us on a tour of Chattanooga. We got to visit the MoonPie store and bought all kinds, tried on ridiculous hats (I'm sure the Sorting Hat whispered Gryffindor to me), and bought cream sodas at a great candy store. Also, we SnapChat a lot. :)

My heart.

We ate dinner with some great Team BlueLine members at a pizza place. We actually made the trip to meet them and cheer them on. Delicious food. After dinner we went to the room and as many people as we had staying in it you would think the evening would be miserable but it wasn't. Let me not forget to mention that poor A's pants fell down while he was carrying stuff up the stairs. He couldn't drop the stuff and he couldn't pull his pants up. His wife and I laughed and took pictures. lol. The kids all love each other and sometimes the adults like them too (haha) so it worked out. We shared beds, made pallets, and watched cartoons. Got this random guy to let me take a picture of his shirt the next morning while we were eating breakfast. It was my favorite shirt I saw hands down.

We helped with the TBL tent which also helps by selling shirts, stickers, cups, and all types of things. This is my favorite picture from  the entire trip. This is Barry, one of the Team BlueLine members. He is a previous LEO, a huge supporter of all things law enforcement, and an all around great guy. I know because my children love him. Somehow he got these kids to just follow him around. Some of them don't speak to anyone and yet here they are. He wasn't the only member but he's the only one we got a picture of. Sadly, I didn't even take this. His wife Cindy (who also does IronMan competitions) took it and sent it to me. They were such a blast. I met some awesome police wives while we were there as well. (Hey Sherri!)

Watching the IronMan really was amazing. We saw the first finisher and then we had to head home. We did have another amusing situation on the way home. We were tired and traffic was awful so what did we do? Accelerate the situation by stopping at McDonald's. We had our order together. It was very simple. Ordered very clearly. Then we waited. After 15 minutes we get handed a bag of fries. We stood there for a second while they try to figure out what was going on and then the girl at the counter finally looks at the girl bagging the food and says "It's to go". The girl responded with "All of it?" Dear lord. I thought I was going to die laughing. I am not belittling anyone who works in fast food, trust me. But when you're handed half a bag of food and the other half is on a tray to eat in it is funny. Yes. All of it hon.

The rest of the week was slower. Monday Little2 got her first eggs from her chickens and she was super excited. Can't you tell?

L1 had to miss his first game Tuesday because his leg was still not right. My MIL took them out to dinner Wednesday night which they enjoyed. Another thing that happened Wednesday was one of the police widows I know got engaged. She is younger than me and such a good person. Beautiful, fuuny... She deserves the best life has to offer. We all go through kind of the same things and her being able to be happy and move on gives me hope for the future. I don't want to be alone and unhappy forever. I'm not actively looking to move on but one day I hope I have someone there. I hope the hole gets filled just a little. We also worked on L2's coin puzzle she got. It takes longer than you'd think and it was fun.

Today L1 had to miss his 2nd soccer game as well. I'm afraid he isn't going to be able to play this season. Basically his muscles can't grow fast enough to catch up with his growth spurt. I hate it but he's tough and he understands. I also made a hair appointment. I need a change. I'm getting it for sure next week. Can't wait!

Links to the previous and next post are below.

Week 20
Week 22

Week 16: Team Blue Line Road Race Time!

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This week started off crazy. I've pretty much decided when your week starts on Friday it is going to start off crazy no matter what. It was so busy. I didn't have to take the kids to school Friday though! My MIL is off on Fridays so I got them ready and she picked them up and drove them. I had to finish getting packed to go to the Team Blue Line triathlon and about a million other things. Not a big deal. Totally doable. Oh, what's that? A storm? A horrible, thundering & lightning light show? Perfect. 😑 Long story short, we didn't leave for the race until 4:45pm. We had to get gas and food on the way out. It took us half as long to get there as I thought so it wound up being a great time to leave. I never get that lucky! Mom got there before us so when we got there we grabbed her and took her to get food. We just went to McDonald's. It was late and we wanted something quick. Gave her long enough to check out my new ride and spill an entire large sweet tea directly into the floorboard. What? Oh yes, in the -brand new- floorboard. 😂 She just looked at me like, "Well..." I am no longer a person to get bent out of shape about stuff like that so I just laughed because she didn't have a drink now. We took the mat out and put it in the shower for about 20 mins. Cleanest mat in the truck now. 😄 Oh, I did get to test a new black bath bomb recipe Friday morning. That was super nice.

After we got everything in the room (that was its own ordeal) we got showers and put jammies on. That night was the looooongest night. We all slept so badly. We even swapped bed partners at about 1am after I had to get out of bed and go to the truck to get Little 2's blanket because she really was freezing. Poor baby was covered in chill bumps. We had to be at the race site by 6:45am. We made it on time after a ruckus that morning due to 75% of us not being morning people. We had the best time. We met so many people that were as nice and funny as can be. 

This race was close to where they film The Walking Dead so after the race was over we went to lunch and stopped by The Walking Dead Store. 

We got home much earlier than expected Saturday so we just hung out with Mom since she came back with us. It was so nice. We were all tired because we didn't sleep the night before and got up early so we went to bed earlier than normal. The next morning we grabbed breakfast and took my granny a cupcake for her 73rd birthday. Lord have mercy. 73 years. That's a long time. 

The rest of the week hasn't been overly exciting. Yesterday was a friends birthday so we cooked at my house and had cupcakes. I bought him non-alcoholic beer for his birthday because he stopped drinking almost 9 months ago. I am so proud of him. It has been a hard road. Today was my MIL's birthday and I almost missed it. I just did not realize the date. Thankfully everyone knows I'm awful about not knowing what day it is. I did drop the ball on her present though. I ordered her something and didn't realize it had a wait on it. I also had to post a mini-rant on Facebook today about people cornering people I'm "dating". I can overlook lots of things but when my friends get asked if they've been threatened over me yet I draw the line. Like it would be anyone's business anyway. 

After school milkshakes and a cotton candy bath bomb were perks today though so it's fine. 

So that's this week. The race was about the only exciting thing. I've never been to a triathlon before and even though it was a mini tri the people doing it were amazing. 70+ year old people out there and I can't run to the mailbox. I need to go to the gym...



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Week 15
Week 17

Week 12: Getting Ready to go Back to School

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This week was okay. I stayed busy most of the time. Between school shopping and stuff I have let go at home I've got plenty to do. Having to get it done made me get out of the house some and I needed that. I still don't like going places. I just don't like dealing with people. I know that sounds harsh but most of the time someone still says something that sets me off so it's easier not to talk. Puts me in this mood.

Since I was not able to avoid shopping completely I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. I went with friends, made a dinner date out of it, whatever. It just helped to not have to do it alone since I never have before. Knowing the first day of school was coming up just made the whole week worse for me. I was dreading it when it was still 2 weeks away. School is going to be the biggest change for the kids. They need the schedule and routine that comes with it but their dad always took them to school except for a few times each year. They're not used to Mom doing it. Little 1 is also changing schools. It's his first year of middle school and he has moved to a different area than most of his old classmates so he'll only have maybe one person he knows in his class. I'm just anxious about the whole situation I think. We've never had a First Day of School without Dad and we're all going to have a hard time with it.

Okay, so back to school shopping. I did a ton of shopping over FaceTime and text message since The Littles were still at the beach Friday and Saturday. It amazes me how far things have come and how much things have changed. I'm walking around the store with a mini computer videoing a shopping trip to children on a beach so they can see what I see. How could anyone think that is not amazing? L2 picked out her backpack but L1 wants to use the same one he's used the last 2 years. He also wants to use the same binder. That is a trait he picked up from me. I like old and familiar much more than new and flashy. He has also gotten to the age where he needs to pick out his own stuff and he is SO picky. He likes things that are very plain and it's so hard to find stuff like that. I know because I like very plain things and I can't ever find anything either. That's okay though because it gave me an excuse to talk to them a bunch while they were gone without being an overbearing mom. 😁

They did come back on Sunday so we went and got all of their "boring supplies". I think the exact sentence was, "Can't you just go get all the boring supplies? I just want to pick out my shoes." Um, no. They were so going with me. If I had to do the boring part they were going to do it with me. So we spent some more time school shopping together and doing stuff at home the rest of the week. We just have so much to do at home. They're also leaving tomorrow for one last trip with another set of grandparents. They're going to an aquarium and a few other places so it'll  be a nice week for them. I had to keep the combat boots to a minimum since that's all she wants to wear now. She is so mine. I love when she dresses herself like this. :)

This wasn't a terrible week. I have just really dreaded school starting back the entire time. When the routine changes is when I notice things the most. Can't change that so I just push through it. He did work a lot but it doesn't mean I don't notice he's not here and lately it's been more than usual. Weird how things change. I'm just trying to make sure they change for the better. 

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.

Week 11

Week 13

Week 10: Beach Time!

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Thank God this week is over. That is all I can say. So many firsts this week. So much emotion. So little sleep. Just thank God it's over. Okay, obviously I've got to give you a little more than that so here goes. Fair warning, if you keep reading it's probably going to be long and emotional. If that's not what you want today read later or not at all. 

It's going to be best to just go day by day, so I'll start with Friday. Friday I had to pick up a pale yellow bowtie for Little #1 for a wedding he was in THE. NEXT. DAY. *facepalm* I should have done this already but I've been a little distracted. The Littles spent the night with their BicBic (my MIL) Thursday since they had been gone and I'd have them all weekend so luckily I didn't have to drag them around with me. At this point I should mention I had already forgotten her headband (she's in the wedding too) and his shoes. I had handled those things only the day before. I found the bowtie much quicker than expected and had a couple other things to do so I finished up and got home. I washed all their clothes the night before so I still had to pack a few things. While packing I realized he didn't have the shirt he needed and she didn't have shoes that fit. I was about to have a meltdown at this point because through all of this I was also dreading the trip. I love my family but crowds are not my friend at all lately so just the thought made me anxious. Plus lots of time to think on a 3.5 hour drive I should have been making with my husband if everything went right. I got the kids, got on the way, and realized I forgot L#1's medication and Little #2's dress. Yep, the dress she had to wear in the wedding. Kill me now. So we made it to the rehearsal dinner at 6:35. We were only 5 minutes late but I had 2 hours to spare originally and it was SO hot. All petty problems I know but I have zero nerves left. Then I basically flipped out on my aunt that night. She and her husband were arguing so I tried to joke and end the argument. She popped back with, "It's my husband and I'll speak to him how I want." "At least you still have a husband to argue with," fell out of my face before I knew what was happening. It was over after that. She hadn't really done anything wrong. People argue all the time and it wasn't serious. I just apologized over and over, tried to explain that negativity literally makes my brain hurt, and realized the first of two debilitating issues this has caused me. The first is the fear of saying something you'll regret and won't be able to take back if something happens. It haunts my every conversation. I spent the rest of the night pretending I had stubbed my toe really hard and that was why I was crying and upset to a 7 year old. It was an all night thing almost. I passed out hours later still crying. It was like all the stress fell on me at once and being away from home made it worse. If you made it through that, let me remind you that was only Day 1. 

Saturday was the wedding. The morning was nice. I felt awful from the night before but that didn't stop me from taking L2 down to the beach. It was just us since L1 spent the night with his papa the night before instead of staying with us. We also ate lunch with my aunt. It was like nothing ever happened because we both understand the other is stressed. All the smiles in the pictures below prove you can never know what is going on in someone else's head because smiling was literally the last thought in my head.

I had to have the kids to the picture location at 4. We were there on time. At the wrong place. In my defense I had been told the wrong place, but still. Late again. Ugh. So we finally get there to take pictures and it was hot. A beach wedding in the South is hot in July. They were over at 5:15 for us and I had to take L2 back to the room before the wedding. If I hadn't let her cool down she wouldn't have walked down the aisle. We made it to the actual wedding on time so at least there's that. She's so beautiful. She really looks like a little angel.

The reception was fun. We danced and had a good time for a couple of hours. That night we swam until about 1am. They went in and fell asleep pretty much instantly and I stayed up all night and had another meltdown. I slept about 3 hours. I was so glad to see Sunday. I actually spent some time at the beach Sunday and Monday and headed home Tuesday. That part was actually a break. It  was nice to just be somewhere without anything I had to do. I should have been at home doing things but I don't feel bad about it at all.

Monday I had a full blown panic attack. I got a call  that morning from the ADA letting me know the Grand Jury Hearing was the next week. I had been waiting for the panic attack to happen.  I could feel  it and have no idea how I held it in so long. It's good to have people to take care of you because I needed it then and I needed it the rest of the week. It took me a while to recover from it. My hormones were out of whack (like they were in whack to begin with) and it just drained me when I didn't have anything left to drain. I ignored everyone basically all week and tried to just post on Facebook once or twice that I was alive so nobody worried too much. I know that doesn't sound like much of a break but it really was. I got it out of my system and had I been home I probably would have broken a ton of shit so I think it worked out perfectly.

This was an awful week completely. No reason to sugar coat it. But it's over and a new week is starting. I'm hoping it's going to be better. Either way, it is what it is.

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.

Week 9

Week 11

Week 7: Happy 7th Birthday Little #2!

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I'm going to be a happy mom for a minute. This beautiful girl had her 7th birthday on Father's Day of all days.

She was also born on Father's Day. We had a lot of family come into town for cake and presents. We had her party on Saturday instead of Sunday. It was a little stressful. There were a lot more people than I expected and I just do not have the nerves for that yet. I am glad they were all  there. She genuinely enjoyed it. Some friends and I skipped out about 7 and briefly went to a welcome home party for a friend while the grandparents watched the kids. Everyone except those friends went home and we just hung out on the back porch. It was so relaxing.

Since my mom and dad came into town she got to go back home with Nana for a week. They would have had to leave late if we did her party on Sunday. After they left Sunday morning it was just Little #1 and I. We watched cartoons and ate pizza rolls because that's what he wanted to do.

He left Monday morning for church camp. I got a couple of messages from him Monday night. He was very upset. He's a homebody anyway and needs his alone time which is hard to get at camp. He made it through the night and Tuesday was much better. I got some really funny pictures and he had a soccer slot that day so he was much happier.

The past two weeks have brought around a new feeling. I'm not even sure what it is. I have somehow been relaxed. I go to a medical massage therapist every week and even she remarked on how much better my muscles were. Some knots seem to have just fell out. Someone not long ago told me I was inspiring in how I was dealing with the entire situation. I just told them I could either get worse or get better so I'm hoping I'm getting better specifically with this situation and generally with life. We could all improve in some way. I am trying to be less negative about things. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things. I am also trying to learn to let things go. It is not something I do very well but I am working on it.

Life is just so odd at this point. Things are happening I never expected and learning to deal with change is not a prominent trait I have either. I'm trying though and that's all I can do. I've gotten past the whispers and rumors already. I am going to be happy because the only other option is unhappy and that's not fair. It's not fair to the children or me to walk around miserable all the time. This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. 

What can I say? It is what it is.


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Week 6
Week 8