Thursday, July 14, 2016

Week 10: Beach Time!

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Thank God this week is over. That is all I can say. So many firsts this week. So much emotion. So little sleep. Just thank God it's over. Okay, obviously I've got to give you a little more than that so here goes. Fair warning, if you keep reading it's probably going to be long and emotional. If that's not what you want today read later or not at all. 

It's going to be best to just go day by day, so I'll start with Friday. Friday I had to pick up a pale yellow bowtie for Little #1 for a wedding he was in THE. NEXT. DAY. *facepalm* I should have done this already but I've been a little distracted. The Littles spent the night with their BicBic (my MIL) Thursday since they had been gone and I'd have them all weekend so luckily I didn't have to drag them around with me. At this point I should mention I had already forgotten her headband (she's in the wedding too) and his shoes. I had handled those things only the day before. I found the bowtie much quicker than expected and had a couple other things to do so I finished up and got home. I washed all their clothes the night before so I still had to pack a few things. While packing I realized he didn't have the shirt he needed and she didn't have shoes that fit. I was about to have a meltdown at this point because through all of this I was also dreading the trip. I love my family but crowds are not my friend at all lately so just the thought made me anxious. Plus lots of time to think on a 3.5 hour drive I should have been making with my husband if everything went right. I got the kids, got on the way, and realized I forgot L#1's medication and Little #2's dress. Yep, the dress she had to wear in the wedding. Kill me now. So we made it to the rehearsal dinner at 6:35. We were only 5 minutes late but I had 2 hours to spare originally and it was SO hot. All petty problems I know but I have zero nerves left. Then I basically flipped out on my aunt that night. She and her husband were arguing so I tried to joke and end the argument. She popped back with, "It's my husband and I'll speak to him how I want." "At least you still have a husband to argue with," fell out of my face before I knew what was happening. It was over after that. She hadn't really done anything wrong. People argue all the time and it wasn't serious. I just apologized over and over, tried to explain that negativity literally makes my brain hurt, and realized the first of two debilitating issues this has caused me. The first is the fear of saying something you'll regret and won't be able to take back if something happens. It haunts my every conversation. I spent the rest of the night pretending I had stubbed my toe really hard and that was why I was crying and upset to a 7 year old. It was an all night thing almost. I passed out hours later still crying. It was like all the stress fell on me at once and being away from home made it worse. If you made it through that, let me remind you that was only Day 1. 

Saturday was the wedding. The morning was nice. I felt awful from the night before but that didn't stop me from taking L2 down to the beach. It was just us since L1 spent the night with his papa the night before instead of staying with us. We also ate lunch with my aunt. It was like nothing ever happened because we both understand the other is stressed. All the smiles in the pictures below prove you can never know what is going on in someone else's head because smiling was literally the last thought in my head.

I had to have the kids to the picture location at 4. We were there on time. At the wrong place. In my defense I had been told the wrong place, but still. Late again. Ugh. So we finally get there to take pictures and it was hot. A beach wedding in the South is hot in July. They were over at 5:15 for us and I had to take L2 back to the room before the wedding. If I hadn't let her cool down she wouldn't have walked down the aisle. We made it to the actual wedding on time so at least there's that. She's so beautiful. She really looks like a little angel.

The reception was fun. We danced and had a good time for a couple of hours. That night we swam until about 1am. They went in and fell asleep pretty much instantly and I stayed up all night and had another meltdown. I slept about 3 hours. I was so glad to see Sunday. I actually spent some time at the beach Sunday and Monday and headed home Tuesday. That part was actually a break. It  was nice to just be somewhere without anything I had to do. I should have been at home doing things but I don't feel bad about it at all.

Monday I had a full blown panic attack. I got a call  that morning from the ADA letting me know the Grand Jury Hearing was the next week. I had been waiting for the panic attack to happen.  I could feel  it and have no idea how I held it in so long. It's good to have people to take care of you because I needed it then and I needed it the rest of the week. It took me a while to recover from it. My hormones were out of whack (like they were in whack to begin with) and it just drained me when I didn't have anything left to drain. I ignored everyone basically all week and tried to just post on Facebook once or twice that I was alive so nobody worried too much. I know that doesn't sound like much of a break but it really was. I got it out of my system and had I been home I probably would have broken a ton of shit so I think it worked out perfectly.

This was an awful week completely. No reason to sugar coat it. But it's over and a new week is starting. I'm hoping it's going to be better. Either way, it is what it is.

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.
Week 11

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