Thursday, September 15, 2016

Week 19: The Memorial Weekend

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Here's another one of those posts that deserves a warning label. Reading is now on you. There were two memorials this week so of course it was emotional. These were the last ones for a while as far as I know. I won't be attending anymore right now anyway. It's a lot to handle. It's so nice of people to put so much effort into them but the emotion section of my brain might just shut down to survival mode if I go to another one. Unfortunately this is me. 


Friday was a good day. Got up, got ready, got stuff done, and my mom came down. It's always a good time when she's here and I needed that. I even wore the perfect shirt. Sometimes I have to remind myself it's okay. 


Saturday. The memorial. There were a lot of people here getting ready but we all made it on time. I don't know how. I sat on the couch and talked to my mom forever. Then there was a 30 minute delay because I just could not make myself get moving. I know it is subconscious avoidance but still. It happened. There was another 30 minute delay because Little2 didn't want to get dressed. She was being difficult so I was furious but once we got into her closet alone she just broke down in tears. She just said she missed her dad. I knew the day would be full of thoughts of him but she started earlier than I expected. We got through the episode by crying together in the closet then picked out an outfit that matched mine. She's beautiful. Also, she's holding Leo the Blue Peep in these pictures. Leo is traveling this year for an organization called We Ride to Provide. They provide K-9 officers with First Aid kits for their furry partners. It's a great organization that my husband worked with over the years so if you ever feel like giving someone a dollar they are another great option. 


Little1 got sick again. He said he only told me but he felt like he might pass out again. The morning had been a lot like the morning of the funeral which is the only time he has ever passed out. I think he was just stressing out. I got some sugar in him and he was better fairly quickly. He's beautiful too. (Nobody is ever allowed to tell him I said that. He'd kill me.) For real though... he is.


We got there a little early and passed out key chains to officers and talked to people. I avoided inside as long as possible. The ceremony was beautiful. Songs were sang, prayers were prayed, and tears were cried. There was a butterfly and balloon release as well. It was all gorgeous. 







It was a long day. We laughed and cried, had a meltdown in a store, made it home all in one piece, and I got to snuggle my nephew a little that evening so it worked out okay. Sunday morning we all got up and went to Law Enforcement Appreciation Day at our church. It was a nice service with a wonderful guest speaker. Look him up. He runs a ministry for officers. 



BFF's youngest had a birthday party Sunday as well since she rescheduled it to go to the memorial. 💙 We went there when we left church. We missed most of it due to church but we made it. Mom left from there going home with my nephew. We hung around for a while and then wasted the rest of the day with friends. It had been a long weekend and we were all exhausted.

Monday was boring. Everyone was still a little irritable from the weekend. It was stressful. We just did our own thing. School, homework, dinner, baths, bed. None of us were mad or even had a bad day. It was just a normal day after a weekend of going nonstop. As boring as that sounds, I am thankful for every "normal" day that comes along. Boring is better than bad. 



Tuesday was a good day. I found an article on Facebook that I liked which is rare. Find it here. I also shared a post that my husband had made after another officer had gotten killed. It's odd to read things like that sometimes. It was helpful to me to be reminded how he felt by him. It's always better directly from the source right?



 L2 wanted to make another video so we did that. She is hilarious. It's here if you want to see it. Okay, now I'm going to share the biggest accomplishment in my life with y'all. I won't keep you in suspense. After 30+ years, I made a good bun. In my hair. MY hair. My I-refuse-to-do-anything-you-ever-ever-want-me-to hair. Okay people, yes, my children are my biggest accomplishment. Don't judge me. But -right after- them is this bun. 




See? That is an accomplishment right? The man upstairs knew I needed a good day because I also found out a friend is having a baby girl. This particular person struggled with getting pregnant and found out she was not long after DH passed. I feel like he knew we needed something new and bright. Then when we got to our first soccer practice we found out one of L1's lifelong friends was on his team. Tuesday was just a really good day. Other than not sleeping. And on that note:



Wednesday was another normal day. Very nice again. Made another video with L2. We were just sitting in IHOP. She's addicted. They are fun though, and this one is a classic. 



This week has been a very long, very difficult one. It has led to some great things though. L1 had his 2nd soccer practice tonight. My MIL and FIL went. After practice she and I started talking about nothing in particular and just wound up having a very long conversation. We were stressed out and few people understand what we deal with on a daily basis. We tend to not talk about our feelings anyway and then on top of that you never want to bring it up in case the other is actually having a good day and not thinking about it. We needed to talk. She needs all the prayers and good vibes you can send to her too. L2 went home with her after practice so she can take her to school tomorrow. She's stopping by to get L1 because he likes to sleep in his own room as much as possible. I assume that's a teenage thing. Whatever. This week is ending on a pretty good note all things considered. Thanks to everyone who has been checking on us!




*There are some formatting issues with this post. I'll have all the links worked out soon!

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Week 18: Football season is here!

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This week started off with me not having to take the kids to school again. My MIL likes to take the kids since Friday is her one off morning. I am always grateful because that one morning just makes so much difference. By Friday my nerves are shot from staying up all night and not sleeping all day every day. The day was uneventful thankfully. I spent most of it worrying about the next weekend since there was a memorial and then a LEO appreciation church service. I started freaking out. I didn't realize before that part of the memorial was to be held at the crash site. I haven't gone there so I wasn't looking forward to it at all.


Saturday was so much fun. People came over, saved my sanity, and had a blast. We made bath bombs, cooked, watched football (Isn't this the best time of year?), and had some drinks. Every single one of us had a sucky week and none of us was looking forward to the next week so we made the most of it.


Sunday was one of those days. We got up, went to breakfast, and then I literally cried all day. No, I don't know why. I do understand I have a dead husband and most people say that's reason enough but it still sucks when you can't pinpoint what the issue is. Turned out the actual issue happened to be that I was getting sick so I felt like crap. I still had a rough day no matter the reason. I worried about how there is nobody to  get the kids but me. What happens if I get sick and can't get them to school? I can't even put them on the bus because L1 doesn't have a bus that comes by here since he's at a different school. Sometimes the amount of pure responsibility that is on me now just weighs me down. It's no different than a lot of other peoples but it's new to me. Oh, on top of all that the transmission went out in the truck my BFF was borrowing on Sunday too. I knew it was going to happen so it was no big deal but it's still just one more thing.


After Sunday, I knew I would do nothing Monday. So I didn't even try. I just decided to take that time. I was so drained. I managed to get out of bed, get the kids to school, and call the mechanic so he could get the truck picked up so I'll call that one a win and move on. Tuesday was much better. I was told they were moving the location of the memorial from the crash site. I was thankful for that. There was so much hard work put into it that I didn't want to say anything but it turned out that some of the officers didn't think they would be able to go there. That was enough for me. I will not put my boys through more than they've already had to go through. A lot of them carry guilt they don't deserve to carry. Had my DH not given his all for them and they had gotten killed it would've killed him anyway.


Wednesday I decided what tattoo I would get. His BFF used a program and turned his voice into a sound wave of some sort. I have dropped off the file and will be getting it tattooed on me sometime soon. I have gone back and forth between what to get so finally making the decision was a relief. I have chronicled my entire life with tattoos and this is the biggest thing I've ever had happen to me. Not in a good way but that's life.


Today I was still sick and so was L2. I will be having her iron checked next week. We went to L1's soccer tryouts tonight. I expected them to be much longer. I did find out they've been moved to 8 instead of 7:30 which sucks since my kids are in bed by 8:30. I let them watch TV for a little while after they go to bed to wind down but I can't do that with practice starting at 8. Ugh. Oh well. He loves it and he's pretty good. He's been playing for years. After practice I had a talk with my MIL. It was much needed for both of us I think. She has started counseling and I'm proud of her for that. It's hard to admit you need help. Her mother passed away 6 months before her son and her husband passed 9 years ago (she is remarried to a wonderful man now) so it's been especially stressful for her as well. I hope the counseling helps. DH may not need her anymore but we do. <3


We did discover a new app this week and we've been wearing it out. It's just fun and funny. You can watch a couple of the videos here. Maybe you'll get a laugh out of them because we definitely did. :) it wasn't very long ago I would've told L2 that I wouldn't do that with her. I don't even know why. Because somebody might think we looked silly? Oh well. I don't even care anymore. 

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Week 17: Changing Landscapes

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This week started off nicely because I didn't have to take the kids to school. YAY!!! I did get up and get them ready. I should have gone back to bed but I had so much stuff to do I didn't. I just got started. It did feel nice to do something productive again. It's happening more and more often. I am slowly (let me emphasize the word slowly) getting everything done. This wasn't a particularly exciting week.


Saturday I hung out with Little1 most of the day. We ran a ton of errands and had lunch. It was so nice. Just a good break. He wanted to spend the night with my MIL and go to church Sunday so he went over there that evening. A friend of mine stayed the night. I haven't seen her since the funeral so it was great to catch up.


Sunday was my MIL's birthday dinner. We all went out after church. We wound up being out forever. There was about 13 of us and it was fun. Cousins, aunts, uncles... I don't even know how long we all just stood around talking after dinner. It was literally hours. I think we all needed it. Unfortunately we didn't get a picture of everybody. Go figure. We also  had a little incident at dinner. Little2 is deathly afraid of pulling teeth. She had one about to completely fall out. Her mouth was literally full of blood. Hanging on by a root. Every time I tried to get it she bit me. It wasn't on purpose, she was just so scared it would hurt. She finally twisted it out after about 20 minutes. Hopefully she won't be so scared of the next one because it was way too big of an ordeal.


Monday was a normal day. Got the kids to school, came home, did some things, and laid down for a nap. About that time my phone rings and it's my BFF. She was at the dealership with her car and 4,000 miles over her warranty. I happen to have an extra vehicle so she took it. I get a text not long after that said "Omg, this truck smells just like TJ." She was right. It still does. I know one day it won't and I'm almost ready for that. I love him and I miss him but I've passed the point that he's all I want to think about and I want to be able to have a life. I cannot do that if I cannot stop thinking about him. I like to think of him everyday but I like to do it on my time. Not when some reminder slaps me in the face hard if that makes sense. On top of everything, L2 looked beautiful Monday.


Tuesday evening both kids got sick. They had random fevers and headaches. We picked up dinner in our jammies and did nothing. They just felt bad. Both of them missed school yesterday. A friend came by so we ate Mexican for a late lunch. I also made a huge supply order because I really need to get back to making soap and everything that goes with it. My personal supply is running low between all the people getting it and me gifting it out. Some other friends took care of getting a mechanic who happened to be friends with DH to take care of his hunting truck. The transmission has to be rebuilt. He arranged for a wrecker to come pick it up and everything. I still get amazed all the time by normal, everyday people doing things they aren't obligated to do.


Today has been a little weird. It was a little unnerving to look out the back door and see the hunting truck gone. It's like the whole landscape changed because it's been there for so  long. It's in good hands but that doesn't stop it from being odd that it's not there. There was also a bond hearing today. I have managed to avoid it all week but my alarm went off last night at midnight reminding me. I haven't looked at anything but I did get a call from the ADA immediately after it was over letting me know he was denied bond. I was thankful for that. Whether a person does something on purpose or not, there are consequences to every action they ever choose to make. I do not want the man who hit my husband to have his entire life ruined over this but he made a split second decision that cost him and us a lot more than I'm sure he ever expected it to. He does deserve a severe punishment but I do not believe it should be the rest of his life. two wrongs do not make a right and I will not condemn a person like that. I do not want the karma that comes with ruining a persons life.


Thursday, August 25, 2016

Week 16: Team Blue Line Road Race Time!

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This week started off crazy. I've pretty much decided when your week starts on Friday it is going to start off crazy no matter what. It was so busy. I didn't have to take the kids to school Friday though! My MIL is off on Fridays so I got them ready and she picked them up and drove them. I had to finish getting packed to go to the Team Blue Line triathlon and about a million other things. Not a big deal. Totally doable. Oh, what's that? A storm? A horrible, thundering & lightning light show? Perfect. 😑 Long story short, we didn't leave for the race until 4:45pm. We had to get gas and food on the way out. It took us half as long to get there as I thought so it wound up being a great time to leave. I never get that lucky! Mom got there before us so when we got there we grabbed her and took her to get food. We just went to McDonald's. It was late and we wanted something quick. Gave her long enough to check out my new ride and spill an entire large sweet tea directly into the floorboard. What? Oh yes, in the -brand new- floorboard. 😂 She just looked at me like, "Well..." I am no longer a person to get bent out of shape about stuff like that so I just laughed because she didn't have a drink now. We took the mat out and put it in the shower for about 20 mins. Cleanest mat in the truck now. 😄 Oh, I did get to test a new black bath bomb recipe Friday morning. That was super nice.


After we got everything in the room (that was its own ordeal) we got showers and put jammies on. That night was the looooongest night. We all slept so badly. We even swapped bed partners at about 1am after I had to get out of bed and go to the truck to get Little 2's blanket because she really was freezing. Poor baby was covered in chill bumps. We had to be at the race site by 6:45am. We made it on time after a ruckus that morning due to 75% of us not being morning people. We had the best time. We met so many people that were as nice and funny as can be. 





This race was close to where they film The Walking Dead so after the race was over we went to lunch and stopped by The Walking Dead Store. 





We got home much earlier than expected Saturday so we just hung out with Mom since she came back with us. It was so nice. We were all tired because we didn't sleep the night before and got up early so we went to bed earlier than normal. The next morning we grabbed breakfast and took my granny a cupcake for her 73rd birthday. Lord have mercy. 73 years. That's a long time. 


The rest of the week hasn't been overly exciting. Yesterday was a friends birthday so we cooked at my house and had cupcakes. I bought him non-alcoholic beer for his birthday because he stopped drinking almost 9 months ago. I am so proud of him. It has been a hard road. Today was my MIL's birthday and I almost missed it. I just did not realize the date. Thankfully everyone knows I'm awful about not knowing what day it is. I did drop the ball on her present though. I ordered her something and didn't realize it had a wait on it. I also had to post a mini-rant on Facebook today about people cornering people I'm "dating". I can overlook lots of things but when my friends get asked if they've been threatened over me yet I draw the line. Like it would be anyone's business anyway. 


After school milkshakes and a cotton candy bath bomb were perks today though so it's fine. 



So that's this week. The race was about the only exciting thing. I've never been to a triathlon before and even though it was a mini tri the people doing it were amazing. 70+ year old people out there and I can't run to the mailbox. I need to go to the gym...

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Week 15: Be a good friend folks.

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This week was ridiculous like the past couple. Well, Friday was actually nice. The stress from school starting was almost gone and friends came over. It was so nice. We had still been working on baby shower stuff so another friend drove out on her kid-free day and delivered everyone lunch from a place here called Roly Poly that has the best wraps. Really, they have the best sauce. I go places for sauces and fries. I eat like a child. lol. I got to do my favorite thing after lunch - my weekly massage. My allergies have been acting up and anyone who has allergy issues can understand feeling like your whole body can't breathe so I was looking forward to it even more than usual. If you're in the middle Georgia area she is worth any drive you'd have to make and you can book an appointment with her here. I get zero incentives for recommending people, I just believe if you hurt somewhere, give her a few weeks and she can fix it even if it's been hurting for years. I also got a nice text saying my Mustang had been completely tuned up. I have the best friends.


Saturday was just a normal day. We cleaned, did some grocery shopping, and hung out with the besties and their kids that evening. Sunday my crew surprised a crew member of ours who's been super stressed out with a cleaning day. Sounds like a good surprise but when people start showing up at 9am to clean and you don't know about it, it can make for an annoying morning I'm sure. We didn't care. Also, I wouldn't really know since on my way out of the house I dropped the entire box of cleaning supplies under the car (How does that even happen?) which caused me to spill my entire tea down my shirt, shorts, and legs. I'm so graceful. 😂 So I got there almost an hour late. Anyway, sometimes people need a foot up the ass and sometimes people just need some help because they're drowning. This situation was the latter. We got the main parts and as most of you know, once you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's easier to keep going. I don't think there's many things you can do that are better than being a good friend so I try to do that as much as I can. All of my friends do which is why they're my friends.


The rest of the week wasn't very eventful. Makes for a boring blog post but it's the best week I've had in a while. Wednesday the bestie came over and cleaned again. At this point it probably sounds like I do nothing but I cannot even begin to explain how bad everything got from so many people being here. It was crazy. On a happy note, I got packages delivered too. One had crystals in it (smoky quartz, selenite wand, etc.) and the other had gardening and bath product books in it. I need to get back to making soap and all so I figure why not start out fresh and start testing some new recipes.


Today I spent cleaning and getting ready to leave tomorrow. We're going to a road race sponsored by Team Blue Line. We're excited to get to meet the founders in person. They're great people. I'm still a little apprehensive about traveling but it's not super far away and it's only for a night. My mom is meeting us there too so I know everything will be fine. She even got some special keychains made to give to some of the runners and officers working because she's awesome.


I managed to vacuum my mattress (so gross) and wash all the linens. I worked in the bathroom. I emptied the drawers. I reorganized about half of it and the rest is still on the counter. Guess what? It'll still be there when I come back because unlike my husband I was not blessed with a "cleaning fairy". I'm just going to toss this picture of L2 out here because she dresses herself and looks better than half the adults I know. It's crazy.


All in all, this week was decent. It's the best I've had in about a month so I will definitely take it with no complaints. Again, thank you to all who sent up anything positive for us. I know it helped.

I have linked the previous and next post below.

Week 16

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Week 14: First Day of School! 😒

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As usual, here's your warning for a long emotional post. Don't say I didn't warn you. Now, first day of school. Omg. Seriously, it sucked. There is not a good way to say it. I barely slept the night before. I got up and sat around for a few minutes to get it together. Getting the kids up wasn't easy. We'd gotten back on a better night schedule last week but they still didn't want to get up at 6:00am. I didn't either. Little #2 said, "Mom, it's weird with you getting me up." She was right. It was weird. We got breakfast, dressed, backpacks, supplies, and teeth brushed with no real issues. I was surprised. There were officers that offered to go with us but the kids wanted it to be as normal as it could so we just took one friend. Little #1 asked him to go. I think he just wanted some male support. 


When we got in the truck to leave L2 got a little emotional but we turned on a fun song and distracted her. When we got to her school I walked her to her classroom. It went fairly well. I shed a few tears on the way back to the truck but cleared them up quick. I didn't want L1 to see me upset. 


We decided on the way to his school that we would see what everyone else was doing before we made a solid decision on whether or not I'd walk him to class. We did see a few parents going in but mostly they didn't so I let him go by himself. Ugh. It was an awful feeling. As I watched him walk away it hit me just how grown he really is. It also reminded me how much he's grown up just in the last 3 months. He's as tall as me and wears a shoe 3 sizes bigger. He aspires to be a police officer. He has his own hopes and dreams. He is growing up and it is a love/hate thing for me. 


Both kids had a great day. I don't know if I've ever been more relieved in my life. I did text L1 once during the day just in case he checked it but he didn't. He's been great about that. We stopped and got milkshakes after school. 

That night L1 got dinner with a friend and L2 stayed with her BicBic. I had dinner with 2 amazing ladies. One is another police wife who lost her husband in the line of duty and the other is a fire wife who lost her husband as well. I thought on the way there, "Am I doing this? Am I a widow going to meet 2 other widows right now?" Again, how did my life get here y'all? Anyway, it wound up being a great dinner. We laughed so much. It's unfortunate but we're now in an invisible club nobody wants to be a member of. At least my club mates are gorgeous and cool. :)


Saturday was my nephews birthday party but we missed it. I wasn't with the traveling yet but that didn't matter. Both kids made plans. L1 invited one of his friends since Pre-K over for Saturday night and L2 had also made plans with a friend of hers to go skating. I was so upset we missed my little mans party but they both had a great weekend. I think they needed it. They were worn out afterward though. 

I got a ton of stuff done over the weekend too. The bestie came over and we cleaned everything. The amount of things we've received, including boxes of cards and letters, is unbelievable. All of it was in my dining room. I needed it gone. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so the whole crew got together and moved it. It was hard but the next morning when I walked in my dining room it didn't feel like a death room anymore. That might sound harsh but it was depressing. At least now I can breathe. I'll go through it all again later when I can. I also got my a/c for my office installed. Thank god for good friends. 


We had a mini craft night and dinner with friends that night too. It was so relaxing and all the baby shower decor we worked on came out great. 



Monday rolled around. Getting up sucked just as bad as Friday. I still don't sleep much so I was so tired when I got up. L1 was late by 2 minutes. We knew it would take some time to work out their morning schedule. It was so frustrating, but they didn't count him tardy since it was the 2nd day. I went home and sat in the clean house for about an hour while I cried over nothing. When I say nothing what I really mean is I cried over everything possible.  Then I went back to bed. The whole day wasn't awful. I got up, did some things around the house, and waited for the kids. They were so excited to tell me about their days which were both great apparently. L1's anxiety was down a ton. I could see it and it made me feel much better. The next day L2 was late. Another fail on the morning schedule. Since she was going to be late either way we hit a drive thru and got breakfast. It was nice. They both had great days again. I also got some pics of the wedding they were in. They're beautiful.




Yesterday had me questioning myself. Am I getting depressed? Why am I back to crying every single day? I've gotten at least one migraine (a real one, not a bad headache) a week for a month now. I've thought it through and am convinced it isn't depression. Getting back into a routine really makes you see the changes. Summer is always a little hectic but school isn't. Not to mention the pure amount of stress that was removed in the past week (death room, first day of school). I think it has all just come to a head and my hormones and emotions are trying to balance out. The perks of this day were nobody was late to school (Hallelujah!) and L1 was excited about pulling a tooth.  

Today is just a blah day. I did manage to get a pic with L1 on the way to school. I finished up filling out all the school paperwork that was supposed to have been in Monday. The paperwork had crossed my mind but I ignored it. Having to fill it out with nobody to list on it but me was hard. So hard. I'd fill out a piece and cry some. I will say this: My face is smooth this week. I have cried and wiped it so much there is no dead skin anywhere. Silver lining folks. That's all I can say. I'm hoping next week is better than this week. I need these emotions to flatline because they're killing me. 


I am grateful for every single person that reads this blog and thinks of us. People offer up prayers, words of hope, and the best: their stories. People who have read something I've written and felt moved enough by it to share their story with me. The amount of grief I've come to realize is out there is far surpassed by the sheer amount of strength I see in the people who deal with it and fight it every day. I just want to say it really does mean something.

Last week's post and next week's post are linked below.

Week 13
Week 15