Thursday, July 28, 2016

Week 12: Getting Ready to go Back to School

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This week was okay. I stayed busy most of the time. Between school shopping and stuff I have let go at home I've got plenty to do. Having to get it done made me get out of the house some and I needed that. I still don't like going places. I just don't like dealing with people. I know that sounds harsh but most of the time someone still says something that sets me off so it's easier not to talk. Puts me in this mood.

Since I was not able to avoid shopping completely I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. I went with friends, made a dinner date out of it, whatever. It just helped to not have to do it alone since I never have before. Knowing the first day of school was coming up just made the whole week worse for me. I was dreading it when it was still 2 weeks away. School is going to be the biggest change for the kids. They need the schedule and routine that comes with it but their dad always took them to school except for a few times each year. They're not used to Mom doing it. Little 1 is also changing schools. It's his first year of middle school and he has moved to a different area than most of his old classmates so he'll only have maybe one person he knows in his class. I'm just anxious about the whole situation I think. We've never had a First Day of School without Dad and we're all going to have a hard time with it.

Okay, so back to school shopping. I did a ton of shopping over FaceTime and text message since The Littles were still at the beach Friday and Saturday. It amazes me how far things have come and how much things have changed. I'm walking around the store with a mini computer videoing a shopping trip to children on a beach so they can see what I see. How could anyone think that is not amazing? L2 picked out her backpack but L1 wants to use the same one he's used the last 2 years. He also wants to use the same binder. That is a trait he picked up from me. I like old and familiar much more than new and flashy. He has also gotten to the age where he needs to pick out his own stuff and he is SO picky. He likes things that are very plain and it's so hard to find stuff like that. I know because I like very plain things and I can't ever find anything either. That's okay though because it gave me an excuse to talk to them a bunch while they were gone without being an overbearing mom. 😁

They did come back on Sunday so we went and got all of their "boring supplies". I think the exact sentence was, "Can't you just go get all the boring supplies? I just want to pick out my shoes." Um, no. They were so going with me. If I had to do the boring part they were going to do it with me. So we spent some more time school shopping together and doing stuff at home the rest of the week. We just have so much to do at home. They're also leaving tomorrow for one last trip with another set of grandparents. They're going to an aquarium and a few other places so it'll  be a nice week for them. I had to keep the combat boots to a minimum since that's all she wants to wear now. She is so mine. I love when she dresses herself like this. :)

This wasn't a terrible week. I have just really dreaded school starting back the entire time. When the routine changes is when I notice things the most. Can't change that so I just push through it. He did work a lot but it doesn't mean I don't notice he's not here and lately it's been more than usual. Weird how things change. I'm just trying to make sure they change for the better. 

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.
Week 13

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Week 11: Headstones and Tattoos

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Last week basically continued this week. It was the longest week. The kids came home Saturday since they stayed with their grandparents after we left the beach. I was so glad to see them when they got here. The after math of the panic attack continued for days. It's been so long since I had one I had forgotten how awful they could be and how much of a long lasting effect they can have.

Friday was actually a decent day aside from the headache that wouldn't quit. Bojar had been in training for 4 weeks and I got to go get him. I was so glad to see him. He has done so well with his training. I got him first thing in the morning so  I took him home and dropped him off in the kennel while I ran out to buy dog food. I also had to pick up a set of shock collars since training has to be continuous. When we got home the very first thing he did was get in my bed. He did not chew it up and got down when instructed so that was a nice change. Obviously he can still smell DH in the bed being a German Shepard trained to work with scents but now he can control chewing a hole in the mattress. I was genuinely relieved to bring him home. It was like another piece of DH was here with me. I need things to be familiar as much as possible at home. Outside places change all the time no matter what but home should be a constant. Now he's back and it's familiar and comforting.

The kids got home Saturday so I got a short visit from my dad when he brought them back. It was my grandmother's birthday so he had to leave out early to get to dinner with her on time. We didn't do much of anything. The kids had some friends over that evening and the next so we just all hung around the house. We are trying to get closets cleaned out and rooms deep cleaned. It's an ongoing project unfortunately. They left again Tuesday for the beach with my MIL. They spent a lot of time fishing and hunting Pokemon I've been told.

Tuesday was also the day of the Grand Jury hearing for the man who caused the wreck. I avoided social media like the plague. I spoke to the ADA after and he told me what happened as briefly as he could. I thanked him and tried to go on about my day. It was one of the hardest days I've had. I try to keep my distance.from those situations but it isn't always easy. I just sort of floated through the rest of the day. It was miserable. Peppermint and orange oils were my best friends that day.

Wednesday I had a meeting at the funeral home to pick up a book and go over headstone details. I thought over and over, "Am I really 31 years old and picking out a headstone for my husband who was just killed? Is this real life?" Unfortunately yes, it is real life. It is painful but also beautiful. Like when the lady who worked at the funeral  home asked if she could pray for me and I told her yes. She prayed one of the most heartfelt prayers I have ever heard that brought me to my knees. This is a woman I didn't even know but who I instantly connected with. She had her own type of loss in her past and she knew what I was going through. I know not everyone believes in prayer but whether or not you do doesn't change the fact that someone being so humble and doing the one thing they believe will help most in the world is amazing and beautiful.

After I left the funeral home I went to the tattoo shop one of his best friends works at. It's also where we got our annual Halloween anniversary tattoo (and any others we have) and I haven't seen it or the friend since the funeral. He's called and checked on me plenty but sometimes seeing certain people is hard. It was hard and I cried and cried like a blubbering idiot, especially after the funeral home right before that. It was so good to see him. I  felt better and I know he did too.

Thursday has been fairly uneventful thank God. Thursdays are always a little off for me because it adds one more week to the length of time it's been. I know I'm going to write this blog and I know that means I'm going to have to reflect on things that happened whether they were good or bad. Truthfully I get very anxious about writing this blog now that so many people have started reading it. I've always been a very private person and while I'm glad people check on me and care what is going on I almost want to shrink back and keep it all in. I just keep thinking it might help someone one day so I keep going. Emotions are the best right? *sigh* That's just life. It is what it is.

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Week 10: Beach Time!

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Thank God this week is over. That is all I can say. So many firsts this week. So much emotion. So little sleep. Just thank God it's over. Okay, obviously I've got to give you a little more than that so here goes. Fair warning, if you keep reading it's probably going to be long and emotional. If that's not what you want today read later or not at all. 

It's going to be best to just go day by day, so I'll start with Friday. Friday I had to pick up a pale yellow bowtie for Little #1 for a wedding he was in THE. NEXT. DAY. *facepalm* I should have done this already but I've been a little distracted. The Littles spent the night with their BicBic (my MIL) Thursday since they had been gone and I'd have them all weekend so luckily I didn't have to drag them around with me. At this point I should mention I had already forgotten her headband (she's in the wedding too) and his shoes. I had handled those things only the day before. I found the bowtie much quicker than expected and had a couple other things to do so I finished up and got home. I washed all their clothes the night before so I still had to pack a few things. While packing I realized he didn't have the shirt he needed and she didn't have shoes that fit. I was about to have a meltdown at this point because through all of this I was also dreading the trip. I love my family but crowds are not my friend at all lately so just the thought made me anxious. Plus lots of time to think on a 3.5 hour drive I should have been making with my husband if everything went right. I got the kids, got on the way, and realized I forgot L#1's medication and Little #2's dress. Yep, the dress she had to wear in the wedding. Kill me now. So we made it to the rehearsal dinner at 6:35. We were only 5 minutes late but I had 2 hours to spare originally and it was SO hot. All petty problems I know but I have zero nerves left. Then I basically flipped out on my aunt that night. She and her husband were arguing so I tried to joke and end the argument. She popped back with, "It's my husband and I'll speak to him how I want." "At least you still have a husband to argue with," fell out of my face before I knew what was happening. It was over after that. She hadn't really done anything wrong. People argue all the time and it wasn't serious. I just apologized over and over, tried to explain that negativity literally makes my brain hurt, and realized the first of two debilitating issues this has caused me. The first is the fear of saying something you'll regret and won't be able to take back if something happens. It haunts my every conversation. I spent the rest of the night pretending I had stubbed my toe really hard and that was why I was crying and upset to a 7 year old. It was an all night thing almost. I passed out hours later still crying. It was like all the stress fell on me at once and being away from home made it worse. If you made it through that, let me remind you that was only Day 1. 

Saturday was the wedding. The morning was nice. I felt awful from the night before but that didn't stop me from taking L2 down to the beach. It was just us since L1 spent the night with his papa the night before instead of staying with us. We also ate lunch with my aunt. It was like nothing ever happened because we both understand the other is stressed. All the smiles in the pictures below prove you can never know what is going on in someone else's head because smiling was literally the last thought in my head.

I had to have the kids to the picture location at 4. We were there on time. At the wrong place. In my defense I had been told the wrong place, but still. Late again. Ugh. So we finally get there to take pictures and it was hot. A beach wedding in the South is hot in July. They were over at 5:15 for us and I had to take L2 back to the room before the wedding. If I hadn't let her cool down she wouldn't have walked down the aisle. We made it to the actual wedding on time so at least there's that. She's so beautiful. She really looks like a little angel.

The reception was fun. We danced and had a good time for a couple of hours. That night we swam until about 1am. They went in and fell asleep pretty much instantly and I stayed up all night and had another meltdown. I slept about 3 hours. I was so glad to see Sunday. I actually spent some time at the beach Sunday and Monday and headed home Tuesday. That part was actually a break. It  was nice to just be somewhere without anything I had to do. I should have been at home doing things but I don't feel bad about it at all.

Monday I had a full blown panic attack. I got a call  that morning from the ADA letting me know the Grand Jury Hearing was the next week. I had been waiting for the panic attack to happen.  I could feel  it and have no idea how I held it in so long. It's good to have people to take care of you because I needed it then and I needed it the rest of the week. It took me a while to recover from it. My hormones were out of whack (like they were in whack to begin with) and it just drained me when I didn't have anything left to drain. I ignored everyone basically all week and tried to just post on Facebook once or twice that I was alive so nobody worried too much. I know that doesn't sound like much of a break but it really was. I got it out of my system and had I been home I probably would have broken a ton of shit so I think it worked out perfectly.

This was an awful week completely. No reason to sugar coat it. But it's over and a new week is starting. I'm hoping it's going to be better. Either way, it is what it is.

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.
Week 11

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Week 9: Thank you Team Blue Line!

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This week was another relatively boring one. I would like to clarify that when I say relatively boring, it means the ups and downs were manageable. It does not mean I felt great 24/7. Nothing over-the-top happened. It was just life. My mom came into town Friday. She spent the night with my granny then came to  the house Saturday with Little #2 in tow. I was so ready to  see them both. It had been 2 whole weeks. That is a looooong time for my child to be gone but she had a blast with Nana and Pawpaw. She got to open a birthday present she received in the mail from Team Blue Line. You should check them out if you have time. They do races and all types of fundraisers for fallen officers. They are just starting and already doing a great job. I've enjoyed working with them.

While Mom was here we did some shopping. Kids are still outgrowing everything plus school is coming up. It never ends does it? I was so glad to see my nephew. He's had a really hard time with everything. He just doesn't understand and all bagpipes and police officers remind him.

They left with Nana again to go on an out-of-town vacation Sunday.

I didn't do much while they were gone. When they leave so does most of my motivation. If it weren't for them I'd be gone, no doubt. I did manage to get the house cleaned up some. There is always something to do. I don't really know how since nobody is here most of the time. I think it's mostly because I'm constantly packing and unpacking the kids due to all the traveling they do during the summer. I still believe that going is better for them and me. I like to have all my emotions in check when they're around. I let them see me get upset but I do not want them to see me broken.

I did eat lunch with a longtime friend this week. Her husband is in the military so we don't get to see each other often and it was great. It's always good to talk to people who don't judge you when it seems like everyone else is. They understand your needs are different from what most of society thinks they should be. Everyone's are different. I've had to learn to stop feeling guilty for basically being alive when TJ isn't. I have the thought all the time that what I'm doing isn't fair because he can't do it too and that is no way to be. It doesn't help when people act like doing something for yourself is selfish. It seems crazy to think that other than my few closest friends (maybe 5 people) my biggest support for doing things for myself and just being generally happy is my mom, MIL, and his closest friends. They actually want to see me happy whether I do it the way they think I should or not. They don't push, they encourage. God forbid this ever happens to you, but if it does you  will see that a lot of the people you thought would be amazing about the situation are, for lack of a better word, shitty. You would be amazed at the things people have said to and about me. Most of these people are ones I hear from maybe once every couple of weeks.

I've had to learn to ignore things. I have never been good at ignoring things. I have to learn this lesson about once a week. It was a long week and I feel like next week won't be any better. I hope so but there's a lot to do including some traveling so I doubt it. I guess we'll see. It is what it is.

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.

Week 8
Week 10