tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54174024065149611642024-03-13T11:33:43.133-07:00Here's to Life.Here's me living my life instead of watching it pass by too quickly.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-87719460661640233112016-10-13T21:23:00.000-07:002017-02-05T14:01:29.198-08:00Week 23: Fair Time! <div style="text-align: center;">
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It's coming. I've avoided it at all costs. But it's coming. Let's see if I can pull this years costume off. haha. Yeah, right. Not happening. We all know it. My Friday has been shot already. Nothing other than it being October honestly. Normally I'm planning stuff this month. October please go away. Far, far away.<br />
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This just cracks me up. I did a little mouth running Friday thanks to being ill. All true so I don't care but yeah, I did it. Only about myself though. Anyone else harder on yourself than anyone else? I'd be perfect if I could live up to my own unrealistic expectations.<br />
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Saturday I got a nice reminder on facebook about how awesome our wedding invitations were last year. They really were. A friend of mine made them and they were wax sealed and all to go withour gothic theme. Ate at Red Lobster. So I ate biscuits for dinner basically. haha. My adopted nephew spent the night with me. Almost. I took him home about 2am just so he would be home in the morning when he got up but he was so good. He slept by himself for the first time ever. His mama did not want to let him go. He has never stayed with anyone before. So I spent the whole evening feeding him junk food. Aunt J for the win! He played with the kids, ran around outside... we wore him out. It was so nice having a happy kid as a distraction. Besties and their kids were here for a while too so he had a last. We had a birthday party for one of my friends teenagers too so there were at least 100 kids at my house. Okay, it may have been more like 5 but it sounded like 100. Why are they so loud? Again, teachers, I commend you. I could not do it. Not even a little. They wear me out just listening to them.<br />
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Sunday we all went to spend the night with friends. I got to hang out with my friend, kids got to hang out with theirs. It was nice and got us away from the house. Staying in it has been especially hard this month.<br />
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Monday was boring and Tuesday I saw this quote somewhere: "Life is short, live it. Love is rare, hold onto it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them." It put things back into perspective. At least for the day.<br />
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Wednesday we went to the fair! As you can see we spent lots of time taking pictures. It was fun and we saw tons of people. We went with a big group and everybody had a good time. Lots of junk food. I had a red velvet funnel cake. It's like heaven topped with powdered sugar and cream cheese icing. Highly recommend this for your next unhealthy choice.<br />
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This week also held 2 more missed soccer games. We're writing it off completely. He's getting over it because he's tired of hurting and taking baths. Apparently he misses his showers and isn't a fan of having to soak his legs every night. On a completely unrelated note, I found out this week my mom is moving here! I CANNOT WAIT!!! Omg. My mom. Here. In the same state. All the time. It's an answered prayer. So this turned out to be a great week.<br />
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Links to the previous and next post are below.<br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/10/week-22-first-soccer-game.html">Week 22</a><br />
Week 24</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-30211651360944173842016-10-06T20:33:00.000-07:002017-02-05T11:37:35.554-08:00Week 22: First soccer game.<div style="text-align: center;">
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Friday I got my hair done. It took hours. I love it. I sent lots of ridiculous pictures to my friends because we all need some amusement sometimes right?</div>
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I've been feeling less than amusing lately. I'm trying so hard to let go. Not of him. I need to let go of the pain. The sadness. The constant ache for my children. It's a heavy weight. An unimaginable weight honestly. And letting go is an impossible task this month. I've got it slotted for next month but it's flexible. We'll see. 😂<br />
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Either way, I'm trying to do what I need to do for me. Nobody else is living this surreal existence for me. I even went out Saturday night. It was just to our bar with The Besties but I just assumed I'd hole up the entire month so it was nice. Went and got Little2 and she came home but L1 stayed at my MIL's.<br />
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I got my living room, kitchen, and pantry cleaned out again. It's a never ending cycle. Do it once, do it fifty more times. How does it happen? And why do all the people in books seem to get little elf people that help when I seem to get the ones who sneak in when I'm not looking and move all my stuff? We also got some nests built into the chicken coop because we're having eggs now. Sweet girls out there making some delicious breakfast.<br />
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Monday the kids were late. I don't know if the alarm didn't go off or if I turned it off. Oh well. It was not on purpose. So I got there, went back home, and enjoyed hot chocolate in my mug my mom got me in Chattanooga. The Cheshire Cat disappears. I don't care if I'm a kid. It's cool.<br />
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This was a facebook post from this week. Life insurance folks. Get it and pray it is years of wasted money. It does pay if you go with a good company. Research. Don't take my word for it, but don't delude yourself into thinking it's useless and you won't need it.<br />
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We're still trying at soccer. L1 managed an entire half of a game before he couldn't walk. I have a feeling he over did it and won't be playing in another one.I hate it because he loves it but I love him not being hurt long term so we'll see what happens.<br />
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Yesterday was just a plain day and today we missed the 2nd soccer game. He overdid it for sure. I knew it while it was happening. He's not as upset about it as I thought he'd be though. I think he's tired of hurting. This was just another "normal" week. Makes for a boring post but a great week for us. </div>
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Links to the previous and next post are below.<br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-21-chattanooga-ironman.html">Week 21</a><br />
Week 23</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-6834736040251725322016-09-29T21:06:00.000-07:002017-01-26T09:17:39.455-08:00Week 21: Chattanooga IronMan<div style="text-align: center;">
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This has been a long week but not a terrible one. Friday I packed and tried to mentally prepare for being gone all weekend. Another stress but I was still excited to go to Chattanooga. It was the first IronMan competition I've ever been to and I was amazed at the people doing it. The amount of motivation and determination they possess is off the chart. Anxiety from packing and knowing I had to travel made me feel like this.<br />
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It wasn't all bad though. I took Little1 to see my <a href="http://www.middlegeorgiamedicalmassage.com/">massage therapist</a> for his shin splints. His Achilles tendon was so tight it was in danger of ripping in half. She worked it out thankfully. If you're in our area you should go see her. She's worked out all of our issues. He has had to soak and ice it all week but it's doing better now. The Besties and their boys stayed the night so we could all leave together the next morning. We ate way too much Chinese food for dinner and tried to go to bed early.</div>
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We got up Saturday and left pretty early but we wanted to get there in time to go see all the stuff set up for IronMan and tour Chattanooga a little bit. We met my mom at the hotel and unloaded everything. Have I mentioned all 8 of us were staying in the same room? At first not everyone was going then the hotel booked all the rooms. Glad we're all family! haha. We thought it was going to be crazy. Then we Uber'd a ride and went downtown. It was really nice. One of my favorite cousins lives in Chatt with his wife so we got to see them and they led us on a tour of Chattanooga. We got to visit the MoonPie store and bought all kinds, tried on ridiculous hats (I'm sure the Sorting Hat whispered Gryffindor to me), and bought cream sodas at a great candy store. Also, we SnapChat a lot. :)</div>
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We ate dinner with some great <a href="http://www.teamblueline.org/">Team BlueLine</a> members at a pizza place. We actually made the trip to meet them and cheer them on. Delicious food. After dinner we went to the room and as many people as we had staying in it you would think the evening would be miserable but it wasn't. Let me not forget to mention that poor A's pants fell down while he was carrying stuff up the stairs. He couldn't drop the stuff and he couldn't pull his pants up. His wife and I laughed and took pictures. lol. The kids all love each other and sometimes the adults like them too (haha) so it worked out. We shared beds, made pallets, and watched cartoons. Got this random guy to let me take a picture of his shirt the next morning while we were eating breakfast. It was my favorite shirt I saw hands down.<br />
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We helped with the TBL tent which also helps by selling shirts, stickers, cups, and all types of things. This is my favorite picture from the entire trip. This is Barry, one of the Team BlueLine members. He is a previous LEO, a huge supporter of all things law enforcement, and an all around great guy. I know because my children love him. Somehow he got these kids to just follow him around. Some of them don't speak to anyone and yet here they are. He wasn't the only member but he's the only one we got a picture of. Sadly, I didn't even take this. His wife Cindy (who also does IronMan competitions) took it and sent it to me. They were such a blast. I met some awesome police wives while we were there as well. (Hey Sherri!)<br />
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Watching the IronMan really was amazing. We saw the first finisher and then we had to head home. We did have another amusing situation on the way home. We were tired and traffic was awful so what did we do? Accelerate the situation by stopping at McDonald's. We had our order together. It was very simple. Ordered very clearly. Then we waited. After 15 minutes we get handed a bag of fries. We stood there for a second while they try to figure out what was going on and then the girl at the counter finally looks at the girl bagging the food and says "It's to go". The girl responded with "All of it?" Dear lord. I thought I was going to die laughing. I am not belittling anyone who works in fast food, trust me. But when you're handed half a bag of food and the other half is on a tray to eat in it is funny. Yes. All of it hon.<br />
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The rest of the week was slower. Monday Little2 got her first eggs from her chickens and she was super excited. Can't you tell?</div>
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L1 had to miss his first game Tuesday because his leg was still not right. My MIL took them out to dinner Wednesday night which they enjoyed. Another thing that happened Wednesday was one of the police widows I know got engaged. She is younger than me and such a good person. Beautiful, fuuny... She deserves the best life has to offer. We all go through kind of the same things and her being able to be happy and move on gives me hope for the future. I don't want to be alone and unhappy forever. I'm not actively looking to move on but one day I hope I have someone there. I hope the hole gets filled just a little. We also worked on L2's coin puzzle she got. It takes longer than you'd think and it was fun.</div>
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Today L1 had to miss his 2nd soccer game as well. I'm afraid he isn't going to be able to play this season. Basically his muscles can't grow fast enough to catch up with his growth spurt. I hate it but he's tough and he understands. I also made a hair appointment. I need a change. I'm getting it for sure next week. Can't wait!<br />
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Links to the previous and next post are below.<br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/12/week-20-just-chugging-along.html">Week 20</a><br />
Week 22</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-50654571748166339432016-09-22T06:05:00.000-07:002017-01-26T09:15:25.536-08:00Week 20: Just chugging along.<div style="text-align: center;">
*If you would like to stay updated, please <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/TTQEH" target="_blank">subscribe</a> to my RSS Feed.*</div>
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This week has been busy. I have no complaints about that. The busier I am the better it is. I can feel myself getting even more socially awkward. October is coming up and my mood is everywhere. It just won't balance out. The more I do, the better it is. This is me on my best day. </div>
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Friday was just a boring day. It was a good day though. I felt so much better after talking to my MIL. I really did. So I just enjoyed the day. Kids went to school, came home, cleaned up some, Little2 went to my MIL's, and Little1 went to bed. I went to bed shortly after and actually slept some. It was great. Saturday I hung out with L1 and the besties came over that night for dinner. They stayed the night in the guest house. We're getting ready to start working on it again. That was DH's latest project. It's been hard but it's time to do it. No reason for it to just sit there. </div>
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Sunday a friend and I went to IKEA. I got the bed and a couple other things for the guest house. If you've ever been there you know it's a day trip. It's also almost two hours from my house so it was a trip for sure. L1 spent Saturday night with my MIL too so that he could go to church with her so there were no kids with us at least. They do not enjoy getting dragged around a store all day and I don't enjoy dragging them. </div>
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Monday was a good day too. I had lunch with a good friend and her girls which are the cutest redheads you've ever seen. Also, one of my first cousins moved to Alaska a few years ago and I haven't seen her since. She has three kids I haven't seen in years either. I don't know how but I managed not to take one single picture. I was just so excited to see her. My MIL started a vacation on Monday as well. She was going with the church and she needed it. They did have a good time thankfully.<br />
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Tuesday was a long day too. I worked in my office some (it has been SO neglected) so I can get it straightened up and, oh, I don't know, maybe actually use my stress relief room? How am I supposed to Christmas if I can't make stuff? Also, how am I supposed to Christmas when I'm usually way finished by now? Ugh. This year sucks. I know that seems like the understatement of the century but it does. lol. This particular day wasn't awful until halfway through his 3rd soccer practice L1 got shin splints. They were terrible. We iced and took care of them that night but he was miserable. I've never seen him hurt so bad. He was a trooper though. We waited it out to see if he could finish practice but he couldn't. Poor thing.<br />
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Wednesday the song Braden had been waiting on all morning came on about 5 seconds before he got out. A year ago I can assure you I wouldn't have been the mom to blast the radio while he walked into school so he could hear it but really, what did it hurt? Did some other mom judge me for not being prim and proper? Probably. Did I care? Not even a little. I would never disrupt the classroom but these kids were walking into the school and it wasn't a vulgar or profane song so oh well. Then a friend came over. He's had a rough couple of years himself and sometimes we can just sit and know the year has sucked together while we eat snacks and watch Bob's Burgers.<br />
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Today L1 couldn't practice again. He ran for 5 minutes and was done. He was limping so bad. I hate it for him. I have a feeling this is not going to be his year for soccer. He grew 15 inches in the last year. It's been crazy and I'm positive it has affected how easily he gets shin splints because he's never even almost had one. I started packing today for our weekend trip too. The Littles, Besties, Besties Kids, Mom, and I are all going to Chattanooga for the weekend. Team Blue Line is participating in the IronMan and we're going to watch. They've been so great it's the least we can do. I'm a little apprehensive because traveling is not my thing lately but I also think getting away will be nice. Plus, my whole crew is going so it can't really be bad right?<br />
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Links to the previous and next post are below.<br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-19.html"><br /></a>
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-19.html">Week 19</a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-21-chattanooga-ironman.html">Week 21</a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-28361576338321916132016-09-15T21:58:00.000-07:002016-09-29T17:03:42.671-07:00Week 19: The Memorial Weekend<span style="text-align: center;">*If you would like to stay updated, please </span><a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/TTQEH" style="text-align: center;" target="_blank">subscribe</a><span style="text-align: center;"> to my RSS Feed.*</span><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">Here's another one of those posts that deserves a warning label. Reading is now on you. There were two memorials this week so of course it was emotional. These were the last ones for a while as far as I know. I won't be attending anymore right now anyway. It's a lot to handle. It's so nice of people to put so much effort into them but the emotion section of my brain might just shut down to survival mode if I go to another one. Unfortunately this is me. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Friday was a good day. Got up, got ready, got stuff done, and my mom came down. It's always a good time when she's here and I needed that. I even wore the perfect shirt. Sometimes I have to remind myself it's okay. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;"></span> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4OWSZXJvQ2XavQSvGp1lwyBHa4xfJgKe4_1PX1xpiX2g4Hz-LuRW4ji7_0yN6juEgU6KOvowLAWQRM8HEoHRDARUJWl2d5lIKy7-9VUxInQaMVDSntSfZZbxQxxIYunt4P6BXIuZLkAml/s640/blogger-image-1791080255.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4OWSZXJvQ2XavQSvGp1lwyBHa4xfJgKe4_1PX1xpiX2g4Hz-LuRW4ji7_0yN6juEgU6KOvowLAWQRM8HEoHRDARUJWl2d5lIKy7-9VUxInQaMVDSntSfZZbxQxxIYunt4P6BXIuZLkAml/s640/blogger-image-1791080255.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Saturday. The memorial. There were a lot of people here getting ready but we all made it on time. I don't know how. I sat on the couch and talked to my mom forever. Then there was a 30 minute delay because I just could not make myself get moving. I know it is subconscious avoidance but still. It happened. There was another 30 minute delay because Little2 didn't want to get dressed. She was being difficult so I was furious but once we got into her closet alone she just broke down in tears. She just said she missed her dad. I knew the day would be full of thoughts of him but she started earlier than I expected. We got through the episode by crying together in the closet then picked out an outfit that matched mine. She's beautiful. Also, she's holding Leo the Blue Peep in these pictures. Leo is traveling this year for an organization called <a href="https://www.facebook.com/WeRideToProvide/">We Ride to Provide</a>. They provide K-9 officers with First Aid kits for their furry partners. It's a great organization that my husband worked with over the years so if you ever feel like giving someone a dollar they are another great option. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Little1 got sick again. He said he only told me but he felt like he might pass out again. The morning had been a lot like the morning of the funeral which is the only time he has ever passed out. I think he was just stressing out. I got some sugar in him and he was better fairly quickly. He's beautiful too. (Nobody is ever allowed to tell him I said that. He'd kill me.) For real though... he is.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">We got there a little early and passed out key chains to officers and talked to people. I avoided inside as long as possible. The ceremony was beautiful. Songs were sang, prayers were prayed, and tears were cried. There was a butterfly and balloon release as well. It was all gorgeous. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">It was a long day. We laughed and cried, had a meltdown in a store, made it home all in one piece, and I got to snuggle my nephew a little that evening so it worked out okay. Sunday morning we all got up and went to Law Enforcement Appreciation Day at our church. It was a nice service with a wonderful guest speaker. Look him up. He runs a ministry for officers. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">BFF's youngest had a birthday party Sunday as well since she rescheduled it to go to the memorial. 💙 We went there when we left church. We missed most of it due to church but we made it. Mom left from there going home with my nephew. We hung around for a while and then wasted the rest of the day with friends. It had been a long weekend and we were all exhausted.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Monday was boring. Everyone was still a little irritable from the weekend. It was stressful. We just did our own thing. School, homework, dinner, baths, bed. None of us were mad or even had a bad day. It was just a normal day after a weekend of going nonstop. As boring as that sounds, I am thankful for every "normal" day that comes along. Boring is better than bad. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Tuesday was a good day. I found an article on Facebook that I liked which is rare. Find it here. I also shared a post that my husband had made after another officer had gotten killed. It's odd to read things like that sometimes. It was helpful to me to be reminded how he felt by him. It's always better directly from the source right?</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"> L2 wanted to make another video so we did that. She is hilarious. It's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UU-ZmROA2U">here</a> if you want to see it. Now I'm going to share the biggest accomplishment in my life with y'all. I won't keep you in suspense. After 30+ years, I made a good bun. In my hair. MY hair. My I-refuse-to-do-anything-you-ever-ever-want-me-to hair. Okay people, yes, my children are my biggest accomplishment. Don't judge me. But <b><i>-right after-</i></b> them is this bun. </span></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">See? That is an accomplishment right? The man upstairs knew I needed a good day because I also found out a friend is having a baby girl. This particular person struggled with getting pregnant and found out she was not long after DH passed. I feel like he knew we needed something new and bright. Then when we got to our first soccer practice we found out one of L1's lifelong friends was on his team. Tuesday was just a really good day. Other than not sleeping. And on that note:</span></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Wednesday was another normal day. Very nice again. Made another video with L2. We were just sitting in IHOP. She's addicted. They are fun though, and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zT1Z4_2xJI">this one</a> is a classic. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">This week has been a very long, very difficult one. It has led to some great things though. L1 had his 2nd soccer practice tonight. My MIL and FIL went. After practice she and I started talking about nothing in particular and just wound up having a very long conversation. We were stressed out and few people understand what we deal with on a daily basis. We tend to not talk about our feelings anyway and then on top of that you never want to bring it up in case the other is actually having a good day and not thinking about it. We needed to talk. She needs all the prayers and good vibes you can send to her too. L2 went home with her after practice so she can take her to school tomorrow</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">. She's stopping by to get L1 because he likes to sleep in his own room as much as possible. I assume that's a teenage thing. Whatever. This week is ending on a pretty good note all things considered. Thanks to everyone who has been checking on us!</span></div>
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-18.html">Week 18</a></div>
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Week 20</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-80956842932652233652016-09-08T15:41:00.000-07:002016-09-29T17:00:19.198-07:00Week 18: Football season is here!<div style="text-align: center;">
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This week started off with me not having to take the kids to school again. My MIL likes to take the kids since Friday is her one off morning. I am always grateful because that one morning just makes so much difference. By Friday my nerves are shot from staying up all night and not sleeping all day every day. The day was uneventful thankfully. I spent most of it worrying about the next weekend since there was a memorial and then a LEO appreciation church service. I started freaking out. I didn't realize before that part of the memorial was to be held at the crash site. I haven't gone there so I wasn't looking forward to it at all.<br />
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Saturday was so much fun. People came over, saved my sanity, and had a blast. We made bath bombs, cooked, watched football (Isn't this the best time of year?), and had some drinks. Every single one of us had a sucky week and none of us was looking forward to the next week so we made the most of it.<br />
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Sunday was one of those days. We got up, went to breakfast, and then I literally cried all day. No, I don't know why. I do understand I have a dead husband and most people say that's reason enough but it still sucks when you can't pinpoint what the issue is. Turned out the actual issue happened to be that I was getting sick so I felt like crap. I still had a rough day no matter the reason. I worried about how there is nobody to get the kids but me. What happens if I get sick and can't get them to school? I can't even put them on the bus because L1 doesn't have a bus that comes by here since he's at a different school. Sometimes the amount of pure responsibility that is on me now just weighs me down. It's no different than a lot of other peoples but it's new to me. Oh, on top of all that the transmission went out in the truck my BFF was borrowing on Sunday too. I knew it was going to happen so it was no big deal but it's still just one more thing.<br />
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After Sunday, I knew I would do nothing Monday. So I didn't even try. I just decided to take that time. I was so drained. I managed to get out of bed, get the kids to school, and call the mechanic so he could get the truck picked up so I'll call that one a win and move on. Tuesday was much better. I was told they were moving the location of the memorial from the crash site. I was thankful for that. There was so much hard work put into it that I didn't want to say anything but it turned out that some of the officers didn't think they would be able to go there. That was enough for me. I will not put my boys through more than they've already had to go through. A lot of them carry guilt they don't deserve to carry. Had my DH not given his all for them and they had gotten killed it would've killed him anyway.<br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Wednesday I decided what tattoo I would get. His BFF used a program and turned his voice into a sound wave of some sort. I have dropped off the file and will be getting it tattooed on me sometime soon. I have gone back and forth between what to get so finally making the decision was a relief. I have chronicled my entire life with tattoos and this is the biggest thing I've ever had happen to me. Not in a good way but that's life.</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Today I was still sick and so was L2. I will be having her iron checked next week. We went to L1's soccer tryouts tonight. I expected them to be much longer. I did find out they've been moved to 8 instead of 7:30 which sucks since my kids are in bed by 8:30. I let them watch TV for a little while after they go to bed to wind down but I can't do that with practice starting at 8. Ugh. Oh well. He loves it and he's pretty good. He's been playing for years. After practice I had a talk with my MIL. It was much needed for both of us I think. She has started counseling and I'm proud of her for that. It's hard to admit you need help. Her mother passed away 6 months before her son and her husband passed 9 years ago (she is remarried to a wonderful man now) so it's been especially stressful for her as well. I hope the counseling helps. DH may not need her anymore but we do. <3</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We did discover a new app this week and we've been wearing it out. It's just fun and funny. You can watch a couple of the videos <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCk3dCDrwT2OdYhMJenmfF8A">here</a>. Maybe you'll get a laugh out of them because we definitely did. :) It wasn't very long ago I would've told L2 that I wouldn't do that with her. I don't even know why. Because somebody might think we looked silly? Oh well. I don't even care anymore. </span></div>
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-17-changing-landscapes.html">Week 17</a></div>
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-19.html">Week 19</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-31783227443026943252016-09-01T21:51:00.000-07:002016-09-29T09:53:13.126-07:00Week 17: Changing Landscapes<div style="text-align: center;">
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This week started off nicely because I didn't have to take the kids to school. YAY!!! I did get up and get them ready. I should have gone back to bed but I had so much stuff to do I didn't. I just got started. It did feel nice to do something productive again. It's happening more and more often. I am slowly (let me emphasize the word <i>slowly</i>) getting everything done. This wasn't a particularly exciting week.<br />
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Saturday I hung out with Little1 most of the day. We ran a ton of errands and had lunch. It was so nice. Just a good break. He wanted to spend the night with my MIL and go to church Sunday so he went over there that evening. A friend of mine stayed the night. I haven't seen her since the funeral so it was great to catch up.<br />
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Sunday was my MIL's birthday dinner. We all went out after church. We wound up being out forever. There was about 13 of us and it was fun. Cousins, aunts, uncles... I don't even know how long we all just stood around talking after dinner. It was literally hours. I think we all needed it. Unfortunately we didn't get a picture of everybody. Go figure. We also had a little incident at dinner. Little2 is deathly afraid of pulling teeth. She had one about to completely fall out. Her mouth was literally full of blood. Hanging on by a root. Every time I tried to get it she bit me. It wasn't on purpose, she was just so scared it would hurt. She finally twisted it out after about 20 minutes. Hopefully she won't be so scared of the next one because it was way too big of an ordeal.<br />
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Monday was a normal day. Got the kids to school, came home, did some things, and laid down for a nap. About that time my phone rings and it's my BFF. She was at the dealership with her car and 4,000 miles over her warranty. I happen to have an extra vehicle so she took it. I get a text not long after that said "Omg, this truck smells just like TJ." She was right. It still does. I know one day it won't and I'm almost ready for that. I love him and I miss him but I've passed the point that he's all I want to think about and I want to be able to have a life. I cannot do that if I cannot stop thinking about him. I like to think of him everyday but I like to do it on my time. Not when some reminder slaps me in the face hard if that makes sense. On top of everything, L2 looked beautiful Monday.</div>
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Tuesday evening both kids got sick. They had random fevers and headaches. We picked up dinner in our jammies and did nothing. They just felt bad. Both of them missed school yesterday. A friend came by so we ate Mexican for a late lunch. I also made a huge supply order because I really need to get back to making soap and everything that goes with it. My personal supply is running low between all the people getting it and me gifting it out. Some other friends took care of getting a mechanic who happened to be friends with DH to take care of his hunting truck. The transmission has to be rebuilt. He arranged for a wrecker to come pick it up and everything. I still get amazed all the time by normal, everyday people doing things they aren't obligated to do.</div>
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Today has been a little weird. It was a little unnerving to look out the back door and see the hunting truck gone. It's like the whole landscape changed because it's been there for so long. It's in good hands but that doesn't stop it from being odd that it's not there. There was also a bond hearing today. I have managed to avoid it all week but my alarm went off last night at midnight reminding me. I haven't looked at anything but I did get a call from the ADA immediately after it was over letting me know he was denied bond. I was thankful for that. Whether a person does something on purpose or not, there are consequences to every action they ever choose to make. I do not want the man who hit my husband to have his entire life ruined over this but he made a split second decision that cost him and us a lot more than I'm sure he ever expected it to. He does deserve a severe punishment but I do not believe it should be the rest of his life. two wrongs do not make a right and I will not condemn a person like that. I do not want the karma that comes with ruining a persons life.</div>
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Links to the previous and next post are below.<br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/08/week-16-team-blue-line-road-race-time.html">Week 16</a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-18.html">Week 18</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-66161904220505687392016-08-25T21:47:00.000-07:002016-09-29T09:46:47.478-07:00Week 16: Team Blue Line Road Race Time!<div style="text-align: center;">
*If you would like to stay updated, please <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/TTQEH" target="_blank">subscribe</a> to my RSS Feed.*</div>
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This week started off crazy. I've pretty much decided when your week starts on Friday it is going to start off crazy no matter what. It was so busy. I didn't have to take the kids to school Friday though! My MIL is off on Fridays so I got them ready and she picked them up and drove them. I had to finish getting packed to go to the Team Blue Line triathlon and about a million other things. Not a big deal. Totally doable. Oh, what's that? A storm? A horrible, thundering & lightning light show? Perfect. 😑 Long story short, we didn't leave for the race until 4:45pm. We had to get gas and food on the way out. It took us half as long to get there as I thought so it wound up being a great time to leave. I never get that lucky! Mom got there before us so when we got there we grabbed her and took her to get food. We just went to McDonald's. It was late and we wanted something quick. Gave her long enough to check out my new ride and spill an entire large sweet tea directly into the floorboard. What? Oh yes, in the -brand new- floorboard. 😂 She just looked at me like, "Well..." I am no longer a person to get bent out of shape about stuff like that so I just laughed because she didn't have a drink now. We took the mat out and put it in the shower for about 20 mins. Cleanest mat in the truck now. 😄 Oh, I did get to test a new black bath bomb recipe Friday morning. That was super nice.</div>
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After we got everything in the room (that was its own ordeal) we got showers and put jammies on. That night was the looooongest night. We all slept so badly. We even swapped bed partners at about 1am after I had to get out of bed and go to the truck to get Little 2's blanket because she really was freezing. Poor baby was covered in chill bumps. We had to be at the race site by 6:45am. We made it on time after a ruckus that morning due to 75% of us not being morning people. We had the best time. We met so many people that were as nice and funny as can be. </div>
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This race was close to where they film The Walking Dead so after the race was over we went to lunch and stopped by The Walking Dead Store. </div>
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We got home much earlier than expected Saturday so we just hung out with Mom since she came back with us. It was so nice. We were all tired because we didn't sleep the night before and got up early so we went to bed earlier than normal. The next morning we grabbed breakfast and took my granny a cupcake for her 73rd birthday. Lord have mercy. 73 years. That's a long time. </div>
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The rest of the week hasn't been overly exciting. Yesterday was a friends birthday so we cooked at my house and had cupcakes. I bought him non-alcoholic beer for his birthday because he stopped drinking almost 9 months ago. I am so proud of him. It has been a hard road. Today was my MIL's birthday and I almost missed it. I just did not realize the date. Thankfully everyone knows I'm awful about not knowing what day it is. I did drop the ball on her present though. I ordered her something and didn't realize it had a wait on it. I also had to post a mini-rant on Facebook today about people cornering people I'm "dating". I can overlook lots of things but when my friends get asked if they've been threatened over me yet I draw the line. Like it would be anyone's business anyway. </div>
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After school milkshakes and a cotton candy bath bomb were perks today though so it's fine. </div>
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So that's this week. The race was about the only exciting thing. I've never been to a triathlon before and even though it was a mini tri the people doing it were amazing. 70+ year old people out there and I can't run to the mailbox. I need to go to the gym...<br />
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Links to the previous and next post are below!<br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/08/week-15-be-good-friend.html">Week 15</a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/09/week-17-changing-landscapes.html">Week 17</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-64206652368345180252016-08-18T21:47:00.000-07:002016-09-29T09:48:30.335-07:00Week 15: Be a good friend folks.<div style="text-align: center;">
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This week was ridiculous like the past couple. Well, Friday was actually nice. The stress from school starting was almost gone and friends came over. It was <i>so</i> nice. We had still been working on baby shower stuff so another friend drove out on her kid-free day and delivered everyone lunch from a place here called Roly Poly that has the best wraps. Really, they have the best sauce. I go places for sauces and fries. I eat like a child. lol. I got to do my favorite thing after lunch - my weekly massage. My allergies have been acting up and anyone who has allergy issues can understand feeling like your whole body can't breathe so I was looking forward to it even more than usual. If you're in the middle Georgia area she is worth any drive you'd have to make and you can book an appointment with her <a href="http://middlegeorgiamedicalmassage.com/">here</a>. I get zero incentives for recommending people, I just believe if you hurt somewhere, give her a few weeks and she can fix it even if it's been hurting for years. I also got a nice text saying my Mustang had been completely tuned up. I have the best friends.</div>
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Saturday was just a normal day. We cleaned, did some grocery shopping, and hung out with the besties and their kids that evening. Sunday my crew surprised a crew member of ours who's been super stressed out with a cleaning day. Sounds like a good surprise but when people start showing up at 9am to clean and you don't know about it, it can make for an annoying morning I'm sure. We didn't care. Also, I wouldn't really know since on my way out of the house I dropped the entire box of cleaning supplies under the car (How does that even happen?) which caused me to spill my entire tea down my shirt, shorts, and legs. I'm so graceful. 😂 So I got there almost an hour late. Anyway, sometimes people need a foot up the ass and sometimes people just need some help because they're drowning. This situation was the latter. We got the main parts and as most of you know, once you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's easier to keep going. I don't think there's many things you can do that are better than being a good friend so I try to do that as much as I can. All of my friends do which is why they're my friends.</div>
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The rest of the week wasn't very eventful. Makes for a boring blog post but it's the best week I've had in a while. Wednesday the bestie came over and cleaned again. At this point it probably sounds like I do nothing but I cannot even begin to explain how bad everything got from so many people being here. It was crazy. On a happy note, I got packages delivered too. One had crystals in it (smoky quartz, selenite wand, etc.) and the other had gardening and bath product books in it. I need to get back to making soap and all so I figure why not start out fresh and start testing some new recipes.</div>
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Today I spent cleaning and getting ready to leave tomorrow. We're going to a road race sponsored by <a href="http://teamblueline.org/">Team Blue Line</a>. We're excited to get to meet the founders in person. They're great people. I'm still a little apprehensive about traveling but it's not super far away and it's only for a night. My mom is meeting us there too so I know everything will be fine. She even got some special keychains made to give to some of the runners and officers working because she's awesome.</div>
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I managed to vacuum my mattress (so gross) and wash all the linens. I worked in the bathroom. I emptied the drawers. I reorganized about half of it and the rest is still on the counter. Guess what? It'll still be there when I come back because unlike my husband I was not blessed with a "cleaning fairy". I'm just going to toss this picture of L2 out here because she dresses herself and looks better than half the adults I know. It's crazy.</div>
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All in all, this week was decent. It's the best I've had in about a month so I will definitely take it with no complaints. Again, thank you to all who sent up anything positive for us. I know it helped.</div>
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I have linked the previous and next post below.</div>
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/08/week-14.html">Week 14</a></div>
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/08/week-16-team-blue-line-road-race-time.html">Week 16</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-74999009113999153752016-08-11T07:37:00.000-07:002016-09-29T09:44:01.315-07:00Week 14: First Day of School! 😒<div>
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*If you would like to stay updated, please <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/TTQEH" target="_blank">subscribe</a> to my RSS Feed.*</div>
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As usual, here's your warning for a long emotional post. Don't say I didn't warn you. Now, first day of school. Omg. Seriously, it sucked. There is not a good way to say it. I barely slept the night before. I got up and sat around for a few minutes to get it together. Getting the kids up wasn't easy. We'd gotten back on a better night schedule last week but they still didn't want to get up at 6:00am. I didn't either. Little #2 said, "Mom, it's weird with you getting me up." She was right. It was weird. We got breakfast, dressed, backpacks, supplies, and teeth brushed with no real issues. I was surprised. There were officers that offered to go with us but the kids wanted it to be as normal as it could so we just took one friend. Little #1 asked him to go. I think he just wanted some male support. </div>
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When we got in the truck to leave L2 got a little emotional but we turned on a fun song and distracted her. When we got to her school I walked her to her classroom. It went fairly well. I shed a few tears on the way back to the truck but cleared them up quick. I didn't want L1 to see me upset. </div>
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We decided on the way to his school that we would see what everyone else was doing before we made a solid decision on whether or not I'd walk him to class. We did see a few parents going in but mostly they didn't so I let him go by himself. Ugh. It was an awful feeling. As I watched him walk away it hit me just how grown he really is. It also reminded me how much he's grown up just in the last 3 months. He's as tall as me and wears a shoe 3 sizes bigger. He aspires to be a police officer. He has his own hopes and dreams. He is growing up and it is a love/hate thing for me. </div>
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Both kids had a great day. I don't know if I've ever been more relieved in my life. I did text L1 once during the day just in case he checked it but he didn't. He's been great about that. We stopped and got milkshakes after school. </div>
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That night L1 got dinner with a friend and L2 stayed with her BicBic. I had dinner with 2 amazing ladies. One is another police wife who lost her husband in the line of duty and the other is a fire wife who lost her husband as well. I thought on the way there, "Am I doing this? Am I a widow going to meet 2 other widows right now?" Again, how did my life get here y'all? Anyway, it wound up being a great dinner. We laughed so much. It's unfortunate but we're now in an invisible club nobody wants to be a member of. At least my club mates are gorgeous and cool. :)</div>
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Saturday was my nephews birthday party but we missed it. I wasn't with the traveling yet but that didn't matter. Both kids made plans. L1 invited one of his friends since Pre-K over for Saturday night and L2 had also made plans with a friend of hers to go skating. I was so upset we missed my little mans party but they both had a great weekend. I think they needed it. They were worn out afterward though. </div>
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I got a ton of stuff done over the weekend too. The bestie came over and we cleaned everything. The amount of things we've received, including boxes of cards and letters, is unbelievable. All of it was in my dining room. I needed it gone. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so the whole crew got together and moved it. It was hard but the next morning when I walked in my dining room it didn't feel like a death room anymore. That might sound harsh but it was depressing. At least now I can breathe. I'll go through it all again later when I can. I also got my a/c for my office installed. Thank god for good friends. </div>
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We had a mini craft night and dinner with friends that night too. It was so relaxing and all the baby shower decor we worked on came out great. </div>
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Monday rolled around. Getting up sucked just as bad as Friday. I still don't sleep much so I was so tired when I got up. L1 was late by 2 minutes. We knew it would take some time to work out their morning schedule. It was so frustrating, but they didn't count him tardy since it was the 2nd day. I went home and sat in the clean house for about an hour while I cried over nothing. When I say nothing what I really mean is I cried over everything possible. Then I went back to bed. The whole day wasn't awful. I got up, did some things around the house, and waited for the kids. They were so excited to tell me about their days which were both great apparently. L1's anxiety was down a ton. I could see it and it made me feel much better. The next day L2 was late. Another fail on the morning schedule. Since she was going to be late either way we hit a drive thru and got breakfast. It was nice. They both had great days again. I also got some pics of the wedding they were in. They're beautiful.</div>
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Yesterday had me questioning myself. Am I getting depressed? Why am I back to crying every single day? I've gotten at least one migraine (a real one, not a bad headache) a week for a month now. I've thought it through and am convinced it isn't depression. Getting back into a routine really makes you see the changes. Summer is always a little hectic but school isn't. Not to mention the pure amount of stress that was removed in the past week (death room, first day of school). I think it has all just come to a head and my hormones and emotions are trying to balance out. The perks of this day were nobody was late to school (Hallelujah!) and L1 was excited about pulling a tooth. </div>
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Today is just a blah day. I did manage to get a pic with L1 on the way to school. I finished up filling out all the school paperwork that was supposed to have been in Monday. The paperwork had crossed my mind but I ignored it. Having to fill it out with nobody to list on it but me was hard. So hard. I'd fill out a piece and cry some. I will say this: My face is smooth this week. I have cried and wiped it so much there is no dead skin anywhere. Silver lining folks. That's all I can say. I'm hoping next week is better than this week. I need these emotions to flatline because they're killing me. </div>
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I am grateful for every single person that reads this blog and thinks of us. People offer up prayers, words of hope, and the best: their stories. People who have read something I've written and felt moved enough by it to share their story with me. The amount of grief I've come to realize is out there is far surpassed by the sheer amount of strength I see in the people who deal with it and fight it every day. I just want to say it really does mean something.<br />
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Last week's post and next week's post are linked below.<br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/08/week-13-will-school-ever-start-back.html">Week 13</a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/08/week-15-be-good-friend.html">Week 15</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-5540355306607888052016-08-04T10:38:00.000-07:002016-09-04T22:11:52.144-07:00Week 13: Will school ever start back?<div style="text-align: center;">
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I just dreaded school this whole week. I know that sounds like a broken record but I did. I need tomorrow to get here so at least the dread will go away. It's so stressful. I did have a lot of random things go on this week so I was distracted a little.</div>
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Friday I had dog kennels poured. That was a project he was working on and had already talked about so I did it. Since the kennels were already coming I had the guys doing it pour a walkway to my front door as well. It's never mattered but now so many people stop by (which is nice) that sometimes my underwear are in the laundry room in front of unsuspecting folks. Haha. You have to go through it if you come in through the garage so I'm hoping the walkway will be a deterrent for garage entry now. I did wonder how many people would judge my walkway and kennels as me "just spending money" so I didn't tell anyone except a handful of people. It wouldn't matter that we had talked about it and planned accordingly. That is a frustrating thing to worry about. Why does it matter to people? These aren't people who worry about me financially. People who know me well worry about that the least. It's just talking. It happens everywhere so I know y'all know what I mean.</div>
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I also <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">decided to go ahead and buy myself a new vehicle. This is not a decision I made lightly. We had talked for a year about getting something bigger while going through options. We knew what we wanted so when I decided to take the plunge it was easy as far as that was concerned. I still have all of the same reasons for needing it other than one person being in it. We had been putting money back for it and planned to purchase right after the kids got out of school. It just took me a little longer. It is a huge change since I've driven the same car for 15 years and I HATE to spend money. I really do. All jokes aside, it breaks my heart. Lol. I spent Friday evening at the dealership. It was my first big purchase alone. They did have to transfer a vehicle so I couldn't pick it up until Monday but everything was handled Friday. It was a little stressful but it went great. The only thing I didn't get was black wheels and since anyone who knows TJ knows how big of a deal that would be to him I'm going to spend the little bit extra and get some so we can have exactly what we wanted. I do what I can. 😀</span></div>
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Saturday I went school shopping again with a friend and his kids. I learned school shopping is stressful no matter who you are. Haha. I had to pick up a gift card for one of my best friends' son since his party was the next day. Normally I'm the fun gifter but he's growing like a weed and needs lots of clothes and to throw away some toys like every other kid I know so I got what he needed. The party was the next day and my whole crew was there so I didn't freak out once. Even when it got rained out and the crowd packed inside I held it together. Okay, there was one time I laughed at a kid that fell down but I don't think that counts. And yes, it was funny. Had it been an adult I may have laughed even harder. Kid was fine by the way. I'm not heartless. Isn't the birthday boy precious? 💙</div>
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Monday was truck day! I'm not a bells and whistles kind of person but I do love the satellite radio. Of course it rained while I was driving it home. I learned the buttons and knobs real quick. Need those wipers! Lol. I was so apprehensive about spending the money on it that I couldn't get very excited about it. Sad I know. Plus I didn't post it anywhere because of people talking about my spending habits. I just didn't feel like justifying my purchase to a thousand different people. Even with all of that, Tuesday morning when the kids got home and L2 said, "Mom! It's like a spaceship in here. Dad would love this thing!," I managed to get excited. </div>
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I also found the best picture of a memory from 4 years ago on Timehop that day so it was an especially happy morning. </div>
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Yesterday I flooded my laundry room. I washed actual carpet that had been ripped out of the floor of my linen closet by someone who didn't even ask (it was fine and funny) because something had gotten spilled and soured. Carpet lets so many fibers go in the washer that it wouldn't drain. I figured out what to do last time this happened so that wasn't an issue. The issue was it was a 3 person job the last time and now there was just me. So I drained it. It flooded. I threw tons of clean towels in the floor to soak up dirty water. I cussed. I mopped. I cussed some more. I threw all the wet stuff in the mudsink, started washing loads of nasty wet stuff, and then I cussed a little more. Before you ask, yes, it did make me feel better. </div>
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After that catastrophe we had errands to run so we did those and got to L1's Open House about 5:45. We met all of his teachers and they seemed great. Since his aunt teaches at the school he's going to this year we're hoping that if he does have a bad day he can escape to her long enough to calm down and gather himself. He's pretty excited about that. I think he really is afraid he'll have a breakdown in front of people. It has happened once before and he hated it. Dinner and bed came quickly after all the Open House excitement. They have got to get on a normal s<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">chedule again. Ugh. </span></div>
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Today was L2's Open House. I wasn't worried about her at all. Her age makes her much more resilient the rest of us. It makes me sad for her every time I think about how much she won't remember but it also makes me glad that she isn't going through exactly what we are. She's a sun in the dark for me sometimes. We got school supplies together during the day so we were ready to go when it was time. I even managed to help a friend with some baby shower decorations. It's nice to help and have something productive to do. </div>
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Another week down. Tomorrow is the big day. Send up some prayers or vibes or whatever you think will help because I can tell you now it's going to suck.<br />
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If you'd like to read more please click below.<br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/07/week-12-getting-ready-to-go-back-to.html">Week 12</a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/08/week-14.html">Week 14</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-92220732484529555262016-07-28T19:59:00.000-07:002016-08-07T12:51:26.322-07:00Week 12: Getting Ready to go Back to School<div style="text-align: justify;">
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This week was okay. I stayed busy most of the time. Between school shopping and stuff I have let go at home I've got plenty to do. Having to get it done made me get out of the house some and I needed that. I still don't like going places. I just don't like dealing with people. I know that sounds harsh but most of the time someone still says something that sets me off so it's easier not to talk. Puts me in this mood.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlCeHSMTzpYqsrVsnWe5G0co1nh9_6kO_49588Rz9Y-rpYhWGTvSrdp7e1Rh9Fh5kkmMR_3Bhp3E_yUMG97AYFmiee4CQtSDPX6vY007WZ1AHENfdN5h9CsVcyThvx_rXMFZTHaVHD6341/s640/blogger-image-853862388.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlCeHSMTzpYqsrVsnWe5G0co1nh9_6kO_49588Rz9Y-rpYhWGTvSrdp7e1Rh9Fh5kkmMR_3Bhp3E_yUMG97AYFmiee4CQtSDPX6vY007WZ1AHENfdN5h9CsVcyThvx_rXMFZTHaVHD6341/s640/blogger-image-853862388.jpg"></a></div><br></div>
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Since I was not able to avoid shopping completely I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. I went with friends, made a dinner date out of it, whatever. It just helped to not have to do it alone since I never have before. Knowing the first day of school was coming up just made the whole week worse for me. I was dreading it when it was still 2 weeks away. School is going to be the biggest change for the kids. They need the schedule and routine that comes with it but their dad always took them to school except for a few times each year. They're not used to Mom doing it. Little 1 is also changing schools. It's his first year of middle school and he has moved to a different area than most of his old classmates so he'll only have maybe one person he knows in his class. I'm just anxious about the whole situation I think. We've never had a First Day of School without Dad and we're all going to have a hard time with it.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br></div>
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Okay, so back to school shopping. I did a ton of shopping over FaceTime and text message since The Littles were still at the beach Friday and Saturday. It amazes me how far things have come and how much things have changed. I'm walking around the store with a mini computer videoing a shopping trip to children on a beach so they can see what I see. How could anyone think that is not amazing? L2 picked out her backpack but L1 wants to use the same one he's used the last 2 years. He also wants to use the same binder. That is a trait he picked up from me. I like old and familiar much more than new and flashy. He has also gotten to the age where he needs to pick out his own stuff and he is SO picky. He likes things that are very plain and it's so hard to find stuff like that. I know because I like very plain things and I can't ever find anything either. That's okay though because it gave me an excuse to talk to them a bunch while they were gone without being an overbearing mom. 😁</div>
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They did come back on Sunday so we went and got all of their "boring supplies". I think the exact sentence was, "Can't you just go get all the boring supplies? I just want to pick out my shoes." Um, no. They were so going with me. If I had to do the boring part they were going to do it with me. So we spent some more time school shopping together and doing stuff at home the rest of the week. We just have so much to do at home. They're also leaving tomorrow for one last trip with another set of grandparents. They're going to an aquarium and a few other places so it'll be a nice week for them. I had to keep the combat boots to a minimum since that's all she wants to wear now. She is so mine. I love when she dresses herself like this. :)</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br>
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This wasn't a terrible week. I have just really dreaded school starting back the entire time. When the routine changes is when I notice things the most. Can't change that so I just push through it. He did work a lot but it doesn't mean I don't notice he's not here and lately it's been more than usual. Weird how things change. I'm just trying to make sure they change for the better. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br><div style="text-align: center;"><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixZwmIk5RuTIa3B9aqLZly74ICJwPNwdfGNjqd8mSbu0UfyqKhLz5jnxvTDXbb9Ix2oHJQMqpGTqfqVuIfBTVGCayvC8-acuhsWdS7jC_ISofx2lx9apcx2cqIHgWMscy2yuM3Y_BYezP9/s640/blogger-image-1677027249.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixZwmIk5RuTIa3B9aqLZly74ICJwPNwdfGNjqd8mSbu0UfyqKhLz5jnxvTDXbb9Ix2oHJQMqpGTqfqVuIfBTVGCayvC8-acuhsWdS7jC_ISofx2lx9apcx2cqIHgWMscy2yuM3Y_BYezP9/s640/blogger-image-1677027249.jpg"></a></div><br></div>
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<b><i>If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.</i></b></div>
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<b><br></b><b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/07/week-11-headstones-and-tattoos.html" target="_blank">Week 11</a></b></div>
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<b>Week 13</b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-324387959450715742016-07-21T08:07:00.000-07:002016-09-04T22:02:54.565-07:00Week 11: Headstones and Tattoos<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Last week basically continued this week. It was the longest week. The kids came home Saturday since they stayed with their grandparents after we left the beach. I was so glad to see them when they got here. The after math of the panic attack continued for days. It's been so long since I had one I had forgotten how awful they could be and how much of a long lasting effect they can have.<br />
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Friday was actually a decent day aside from the headache that wouldn't quit. Bojar had been in training for 4 weeks and I got to go get him. I was so glad to see him. He has done so well with his training. I got him first thing in the morning so I took him home and dropped him off in the kennel while I ran out to buy dog food. I also had to pick up a set of shock collars since training has to be continuous. When we got home the very first thing he did was get in my bed. He did not chew it up and got down when instructed so that was a nice change. Obviously he can still smell DH in the bed being a German Shepard trained to work with scents but now he can control chewing a hole in the mattress. I was genuinely relieved to bring him home. It was like another piece of DH was here with me. I need things to be familiar as much as possible at home. Outside places change all the time no matter what but home should be a constant. Now he's back and it's familiar and comforting.<br />
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The kids got home Saturday so I got a short visit from my dad when he brought them back. It was my grandmother's birthday so he had to leave out early to get to dinner with her on time. We didn't do much of anything. The kids had some friends over that evening and the next so we just all hung around the house. We are trying to get closets cleaned out and rooms deep cleaned. It's an ongoing project unfortunately. They left again Tuesday for the beach with my MIL. They spent a lot of time fishing and hunting Pokemon I've been told.<br />
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Tuesday was also the day of the Grand Jury hearing for the man who caused the wreck. I avoided social media like the plague. I spoke to the ADA after and he told me what happened as briefly as he could. I thanked him and tried to go on about my day. It was one of the hardest days I've had. I try to keep my distance.from those situations but it isn't always easy. I just sort of floated through the rest of the day. It was miserable. Peppermint and orange oils were my best friends that day.<br />
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Wednesday I had a meeting at the funeral home to pick up a book and go over headstone details. I thought over and over, "Am I really 31 years old and picking out a headstone for my husband who was just killed? Is this real life?" Unfortunately yes, it is real life. It is painful but also beautiful. Like when the lady who worked at the funeral home asked if she could pray for me and I told her yes. She prayed one of the most heartfelt prayers I have ever heard that brought me to my knees. This is a woman I didn't even know but who I instantly connected with. She had her own type of loss in her past and she knew what I was going through. I know not everyone believes in prayer but whether or not you do doesn't change the fact that someone being so humble and doing the one thing they believe will help most in the world is amazing and beautiful.<br />
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After I left the funeral home I went to the tattoo shop one of his best friends works at. It's also where we got our annual Halloween anniversary tattoo (and any others we have) and I haven't seen it or the friend since the funeral. He's called and checked on me plenty but sometimes seeing certain people is hard. It was hard and I cried and cried like a blubbering idiot, especially after the funeral home right before that. It was so good to see him. I felt better and I know he did too.<br />
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Thursday has been fairly uneventful thank God. Thursdays are always a little off for me because it adds one more week to the length of time it's been. I know I'm going to write this blog and I know that means I'm going to have to reflect on things that happened whether they were good or bad. Truthfully I get very anxious about writing this blog now that so many people have started reading it. I've always been a very private person and while I'm glad people check on me and care what is going on I almost want to shrink back and keep it all in. I just keep thinking it might help someone one day so I keep going. Emotions are the best right? *sigh* That's just life. It is what it is.<br />
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<div style="text-align: start;">
<b><i>If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.</i></b></div>
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<b><br /></b><b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/07/week-10-beach-time.html" target="_blank">Week 10</a></b></div>
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<b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/07/week-12-getting-ready-to-go-back-to.html">Week 12</a></b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-76149995897084237402016-07-14T10:37:00.000-07:002016-08-06T21:38:43.067-07:00Week 10: Beach Time!<div style="text-align: center;">
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Thank God this week is over. That is all I can say. So many firsts this week. So much emotion. So little sleep. Just thank God it's over. Okay, obviously I've got to give you a little more than that so here goes. Fair warning, if you keep reading it's probably going to be long and emotional. If that's not what you want today read later or not at all. </div>
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It's going to be best to just go day by day, so I'll start with Friday. Friday I had to pick up a pale yellow bowtie for Little #1 for a wedding he was in THE. NEXT. DAY. *facepalm* I should have done this already but I've been a little distracted. The Littles spent the night with their BicBic (my MIL) Thursday since they had been gone and I'd have them all weekend so luckily I didn't have to drag them around with me. At this point I should mention I had already forgotten her headband (she's in the wedding too) and his shoes. I had handled those things only the day before. I found the bowtie much quicker than expected and had a couple other things to do so I finished up and got home. I washed all their clothes the night before so I still had to pack a few things. While packing I realized he didn't have the shirt he needed and she didn't have shoes that fit. I was about to have a meltdown at this point because through all of this I was also dreading the trip. I love my family but crowds are not my friend at all lately so just the thought made me anxious. Plus lots of time to think on a 3.5 hour drive I should have been making with my husband if everything went right. I got the kids, got on the way, and realized I forgot L#1's medication and Little #2's dress. Yep, the dress she had to wear <i>in</i> the wedding. Kill me now. So we made it to the rehearsal dinner at 6:35. We were only 5 minutes late but I had 2 hours to spare originally and it was SO hot. All petty problems I know but I have zero nerves left. Then I basically flipped out on my aunt that night. She and her husband were arguing so I tried to joke and end the argument. She popped back with, "It's my husband and I'll speak to him how I want." "At least you still have a husband to argue with," fell out of my face before I knew what was happening. It was over after that. She hadn't really done anything wrong. People argue all the time and it wasn't serious. I just apologized over and over, tried to explain that negativity literally makes my brain hurt, and realized the first of two debilitating issues this has caused me. The first is the fear of saying something you'll regret and won't be able to take back if something happens. It haunts my every conversation. I spent the rest of the night pretending I had stubbed my toe really hard and that was why I was crying and upset to a 7 year old. It was an all night thing almost. I passed out hours later still crying. It was like all the stress fell on me at once and being away from home made it worse. If you made it through that, let me remind you that was only Day 1. </div>
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Saturday was the wedding. The morning was nice. I felt awful from the night before but that didn't stop me from taking L2 down to the beach. It was just us since L1 spent the night with his papa the night before instead of staying with us. We also ate lunch with my aunt. It was like nothing ever happened because we both understand the other is stressed. All the smiles in the pictures below prove you can <u>never</u> know what is going on in someone else's head because smiling was literally the last thought in my head.</div>
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I had to have the kids to the picture location at 4. We were there on time. At the wrong place. In my defense I had been told the wrong place, but still. Late again. Ugh. So we finally get there to take pictures and it was hot. A beach wedding in the South is <b>hot</b> in July. They were over at 5:15 for us and I had to take L2 back to the room before the wedding. If I hadn't let her cool down she wouldn't have walked down the aisle. We made it to the actual wedding on time so at least there's that. She's so beautiful. She really looks like a little angel.</div>
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The reception was fun. We danced and had a good time for a couple of hours. That night we swam until about 1am. They went in and fell asleep pretty much instantly and I stayed up all night and had another meltdown. I slept about 3 hours. I was so glad to see Sunday. I actually spent some time at the beach Sunday and Monday and headed home Tuesday. That part was actually a break. It was nice to just be somewhere without anything I <i>had</i> to do. I should have been at home doing things but I don't feel bad about it at all.<br />
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Monday I had a full blown panic attack. I got a call that morning from the ADA letting me know the Grand Jury Hearing was the next week. I had been waiting for the panic attack to happen. I could feel it and have no idea how I held it in so long. It's good to have people to take care of you because I needed it then and I needed it the rest of the week. It took me a while to recover from it. My hormones were out of whack (like they were in whack to begin with) and it just drained me when I didn't have anything left to drain. I ignored everyone basically all week and tried to just post on Facebook once or twice that I was alive so nobody worried too much. I know that doesn't sound like much of a break but it really was. I got it out of my system and had I been home I probably would have broken a ton of shit so I think it worked out perfectly.<br />
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This was an awful week completely. No reason to sugar coat it. But it's over and a new week is starting. I'm hoping it's going to be better. Either way, it is what it is.<br />
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<b><i>If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.</i></b></div>
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<b><br /></b><b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/07/week-9-thank-you-team-blue-line.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: black;">Week </span>9</a></b></div>
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<b>Week 11</b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-519727756977005002016-07-07T12:36:00.000-07:002016-07-18T13:42:56.174-07:00Week 9: Thank you Team Blue Line!<div style="text-align: center;">
*If you would like to stay updated, please <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/TTQEH" target="_blank">subscribe</a> to my RSS Feed.*</div>
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This week was another relatively boring one. I would like to clarify that when I say relatively boring, it means the ups and downs were manageable. It does not mean I felt great 24/7. Nothing over-the-top happened. It was just life. My mom came into town Friday. She spent the night with my granny then came to the house Saturday with Little #2 in tow. I was so ready to see them both. It had been <i>2 whole weeks</i>. That is a looooong time for my child to be gone but she had a blast with Nana and Pawpaw. She got to open a birthday present she received in the mail from <a href="http://www.teamblueline.org/" target="_blank">Team Blue Line</a>. You should check them out if you have time. They do races and all types of fundraisers for fallen officers. They are just starting and already doing a great job. I've enjoyed working with them.</div>
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While Mom was here we did some shopping. Kids are still outgrowing everything plus school is coming up. It never ends does it? I was so glad to see my nephew. He's had a really hard time with everything. He just doesn't understand and all bagpipes and police officers remind him.</div>
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They left with Nana again to go on an out-of-town vacation Sunday.<br />
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I didn't do much while they were gone. When they leave so does most of my motivation. If it weren't for them I'd be gone, no doubt. I did manage to get the house cleaned up some. There is always something to do. I don't really know how since nobody is here most of the time. I think it's mostly because I'm constantly packing and unpacking the kids due to all the traveling they do during the summer. I still believe that going is better for them and me. I like to have all my emotions in check when they're around. I let them see me get upset but I do not want them to see me broken.</div>
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I did eat lunch with a longtime friend this week. Her husband is in the military so we don't get to see each other often and it was great. It's always good to talk to people who don't judge you when it seems like everyone else is. They understand your needs are different from what most of society thinks they should be. Everyone's are different. I've had to learn to stop feeling guilty for basically being alive when TJ isn't. I have the thought all the time that what I'm doing isn't fair because he can't do it too and that is no way to be. It doesn't help when people act like doing something for yourself is selfish. It seems crazy to think that other than my few closest friends (maybe 5 people) my biggest support for doing things for myself and just being generally happy is my mom, MIL, and his closest friends. They actually want to see me happy whether I do it the way they think I should or not. They don't push, they encourage. God forbid this ever happens to you, but if it does you will see that a lot of the people you thought would be amazing about the situation are, for lack of a better word, shitty. You would be amazed at the things people have said to and about me. Most of these people are ones I hear from maybe once every couple of weeks.<br />
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I've had to learn to ignore things. I have never been good at ignoring things. I have to learn this lesson about once a week. It was a long week and I feel like next week won't be any better. I hope so but there's a lot to do including some traveling so I doubt it. I guess we'll see. It is what it is.<br />
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<b><i>If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.</i></b><br />
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<b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-8-taking-care-of-business.html" target="_blank">Week 8</a></b><br />
<b>Week 10</b></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-52613706260973423102016-06-30T19:34:00.001-07:002016-07-18T13:47:34.379-07:00Week 8: Taking Care of Business<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This week started off with Little #1 getting home from church camp. By Friday I was so ready to see him. I know he had fun but he also had some hard times I couldn't be there for and I hate that for him. I had a nice surprise waiting when he got home. We went together and got a cell phone for him. He had no idea why we were there until we were leaving and I handed him his new phone. He hugged me and the customer service person remarked how he'd never seen a child hug a parent for getting them a phone. I guess most feel entitled so it was a nice compliment for me. L#1 just told him how much he loves his mama and that he hugs me all the time. ☺️ We stopped by a couple more places, went home, and did nothing together. It was great. </div>
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Saturday we went to lunch and a movie. I got outvoted so we saw Independence Day 2 instead of Finding Dory. It turned out to be really good so it was fine. Went home after and just hung out. Nice, relaxing day.</div>
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The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Monday was another counseling appointment for L#1. It went very well. He's starting to open up some. It was his hardest session yet. His emotions were still a little raw from camp. He did take the therapists advice and cut back on the video games on his own which was very nice. I was dreading having to cut him back even though I knew it needed to be done. He had a checkup with his doctor Monday afternoon. Everything was fine and he was excited about seeing his doctor so it worked out great. We went out to eat with our best friends and their kids that evening then hung out at the house so the boys could see each other. Good ending to the night for him. </div>
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Tuesday I had a meeting with a lawyer. Please make sure you get a Will done if you don't already have one. Dealing with stuff on my end shouldn't be too difficult but it would be much simpler with a will. I didn't want to but I've learned it's best right now to have a lawyer. There is so much paperwork that even though that's my actual job, I just can't get through it all. </div>
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Wednesday was fairly uneventful. Went to lunch with L#1 and shopped with a friend to help her find some stuff for her new job. Came home, laid around, and went to bed. Another nice relaxing day. </div>
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Today I went to a bench dedication. The vet office that handles all of the K-9's for our Sheriff's Office dedicated a bench and put a very nice plaque out beside it in TJ's memory. It's beautiful and such a sweet gesture of remembrance. It was a little emotional. I held it together until I got home. I hibernated in my room for about an hour and then I was done. Pick it up and move it along. </div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">A man also handmade a model car to match our cruisers and had custom decals made for it. You can see more of his work <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ten8collectables/" target="_blank">here</a>. It's beautiful. Just more things people have amazed me by doing. Some of the things are so considerate and thoughtful it's unreal.</span></div>
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You can probably tell a lot of the excitement has died down. We are in the new normal rut right now. We're basically going through the motions from day to day. I'm glad they're getting plenty of time to adjust during the summer instead of having to deal with school but it's also very unstructured. We just hang out a lot of days and wait on the next day to get here. I think that'll change some when school starts back. I think school is going to have an entirely different set of issues this year. I guess we'll find out. It is what it is. </div>
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<b><i>If you would like to read more please click below.</i></b></div>
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<b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-7-happy-birthday-little-2.html" target="_blank">Week 7</a></b></div>
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<b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/07/week-9-thank-you-team-blue-line.html" target="_blank">Week 9</a></b></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-40699086348199010072016-06-23T20:00:00.000-07:002016-07-18T12:17:39.077-07:00Week 7: Happy 7th Birthday Little #2!<div style="text-align: center;">
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I'm going to be a happy mom for a minute. This beautiful girl had her 7th birthday on Father's Day of all days.<br />
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She was also born on Father's Day. We had a lot of family come into town for cake and presents. We had her party on Saturday instead of Sunday. It was a little stressful. There were a lot more people than I expected and I just do not have the nerves for that yet. I am glad they were all there. She genuinely enjoyed it. Some friends and I skipped out about 7 and briefly went to a welcome home party for a friend while the grandparents watched the kids. Everyone except those friends went home and we just hung out on the back porch. It was so relaxing.<br />
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Since my mom and dad came into town she got to go back home with Nana for a week. They would have had to leave late if we did her party on Sunday. After they left Sunday morning it was just Little #1 and I. We watched cartoons and ate pizza rolls because that's what he wanted to do.<br />
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He left Monday morning for church camp. I got a couple of messages from him Monday night. He was very upset. He's a homebody anyway and needs his alone time which is hard to get at camp. He made it through the night and Tuesday was much better. I got some really funny pictures and he had a soccer slot that day so he was much happier.</div>
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The past two weeks have brought around a new feeling. I'm not even sure what it is. I have somehow been relaxed. I go to a medical massage therapist every week and even she remarked on how much better my muscles were. Some knots seem to have just fell out. Someone not long ago told me I was inspiring in how I was dealing with the entire situation. I just told them I could either get worse or get better so I'm hoping I'm getting better specifically with this situation and generally with life. We could all improve in some way. I am trying to be less negative about things. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things. I am also trying to learn to let things go. It is not something I do very well but I am working on it.</div>
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Life is just so odd at this point. Things are happening I never expected and learning to deal with change is not a prominent trait I have either. I'm trying though and that's all I can do. I've gotten past the whispers and rumors already. I am going to be happy because the only other option is unhappy and that's not fair. It's not fair to the children or me to walk around miserable all the time. This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. </div>
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What can I say? It is what it is.<br />
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<i><b>If you would like to read more please click the links below.</b></i><br />
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<b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-6-huge-thank-you.html" target="_blank">Week 6</a></b><br />
<b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-8-taking-care-of-business.html" target="_blank">Week 8</a></b></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-68021863975304375082016-06-16T20:00:00.001-07:002016-07-18T12:04:00.702-07:00Week 6: A Huge Thank You<div style="text-align: justify;">
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My posts have been a little negative lately. My life has been a little negative so I guess that's to be expected, but I thought I'd use this week to be a little more positive. I'll get to that. 😀</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">The only major milestone this week was that our closest friends and I went to our "spot". We hung out with the kids all day before that trip. It was a little hard being there without him but when you have amazing friends it makes it so much easier. My best friends birthday was this week so we celebrated that too. My best friend just happens to be one of his best friends and her husband is his very best friend so it makes things extra hard for us to get through things sometimes but we manage. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">She was not happy about the candles but I didn't care. I did make her favorite chocolate chocolate chip sour cream cupcakes and cream cheese icing so it was fine because she was not getting one without candles in it. And really, isn't she beautiful? Her hair makes me want to rip it out and glue it on my head. 😒</span></div>
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I'm not feeling super wordy today so I thought it would be nice to share some pictures of some of the amazing things the kids and I have received since the wreck. A lot of these came from civilians who just want officers and their families to know they care which has restored some of my faith in humanity. People can be really great when they want. Most of these are posted on my <a href="https://www.instagram.com/jmfreee/" target="_blank">Instagram</a> so if you've seen them already I'm sorry! I just want to make sure everyone can see them. Maybe some of the people who have sent these in will see this one day and know how thankful I have been for their support. </div>
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This is nowhere near all of the stuff. I will add some of the things to later posts so we can all get some periodic reminding of how the entire world isn't against even when it feels like it is. I've had people do so many generous things free of charge as well like spray for bugs outside to help the kids, mount some animals from his hunting trip, do massages, bring food, donate a gun to a raffle, etc. I could go on and on. At some point I am going to make a post and name these people and businesses by name so they get some recognition for supporting a sometimes thankless profession. </div>
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I have still had some moments this week. I think I had my angriest day so far this week. It's the first time I've really been furious in weeks. It was over something I can't change so it's not worth mentioning but it still kind of sucked. The clothes are still in the bathroom floor. I knew they wouldn't be moved yet. I did get a ton of things I've been putting off done this week. Truck went to the shop, visited some places I needed to, went by his office and picked up the rest of his stuff... I'm exhausted at this point. I had to get all this done so it was worth it but I need some good sleep right now. Hopefully I get it. I'll be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel. I'm sorry. I'm such a nerd. It is what it is. 😁</div>
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<b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-5-after-break.html" target="_blank">Week 5</a></b></div>
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<b><a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-7-happy-birthday-little-2.html" target="_blank">Week 7</a></b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-7986995565996008712016-06-09T08:12:00.001-07:002016-07-18T12:01:10.451-07:00Week 5: After the Break<div style="text-align: justify;">
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If you would like to stay updated, please <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/TTQEH" target="_blank">subscribe</a> to my RSS Feed. </div>
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This last week has been a blur. It was so busy compared to the last month. I had to go shopping <i>again</i>. It was awful. Nothing fits. For all the people that constantly tell me they wish they were my size, I've got a diet plan that works right now but I wouldn't recommend it. I <b>hate</b> having to spend money on clothes but mine are literally falling off. I got dressed almost every day. The difference just getting dressed makes is unbelievable. I even put on eyeliner and mascara once. And yes, I know my pants have a hole or two. They're comfortable that way. </div>
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My mom came to visit and I got her to myself the whole weekend since the kids were gone. It never happens anymore and I loved it. We hung out with each other, some friends, and some family. It was great. I don't know what I'd do without her some days. As a person I'm a little odd but she always tries to understand me and she doesn't judge me. She has had my back even when I was dead wrong. And man does she love TJ.</div>
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We enjoyed our family dinner with my favorite people too. Even had a photo session. </div>
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I haven't been back to church. I need to but right now crowds just don't work for me. I have been reading a daily devotional some thoughtful anonymous person sent me. I love it. It is specifically for grief and has helped calm my mind more than once. I've also been getting specifics down for a foundation to help officers left behind after a tragedy by working with an officer from around here. Busy all the time is good for me. I know some people don't like it but it's just what I need most days.</div>
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The kids got home Tuesday. I don't know if I've ever been as happy to see them as I was when they got home this time. I missed them so much. They had a great time with their grandparents but they were happy to be home too. My Little B lost her first tooth. It literally fell out. I've been trying to pull it for weeks but she wouldn't let me.</div>
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We had a family therapy session the afternoon they got home. It went well. It was difficult but needed and I do think it's helping my son. They don't normally get a ton of television or video game time but it's been raining a lot and school is out so they've gotten more than normal. He admitted he's been playing so much because he can zone out and not think about what is really going on. This is good at times but bad as well because he's not letting himself process his emotions. At some point they just wind up boiling over. I just can't imagine having to process what he's processing at his age but he is managing like a champ. </div>
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I went to the grocery store alone for the first time as well Tuesday. It sucked so bad. I haven't done that in years. I missed him shopping by color and throwing at least 5 useless things in with the stuff we needed. I hated having to not buy the things only he ate. I could've bought them anyway but it would've been a waste so I didn't. I'm so glad logic usually wins with me. Not being overly emotional has been the best thing I could have asked for over the last five weeks.</div>
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I also had some great help this week. A friend has helped me with all the guy stuff. Changing light bulbs, taking care of the animals, cleaning out the freezers... The list never ends and some of it I just can't do by myself. It's nice to not have to do it all alone. I haven't moved any of TJs stuff this week. I did pay bills. I've got to get a new vehicle. Mine is the same one I've had since I was 17 and both of ours have 200K+ miles on them. We were already looking for something so I plan on staying with our original idea. I'm sure plenty of people will have something to say about it but I don't care anymore. We had the money for it and I'm doing it. Everyone worries because mine are old and it is different knowing if something happens he won't be with us to help fix it. It sucks thinking about what other people will say. That's not something I normally do and I hate it. People say stuff either way though so I may as well do what I need to. I still don't really care what people think about me unless it has to do with how I felt about him. I loved him with every fiber I had to love a person with and people belittling decisions or thinking I'm not handling things correctly just infuriates me.</div>
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Today is a cleaning day. The house is finally returning to some type of order. At least one kids room has been completely cleaned out. One left to go. I've been debating on moving some of his stuff around in the closet. Haven't done it yet, but honestly it doesn't make sense to leave all his stuff where it is when half of mine could go there and be way easier for me. Whether it makes sense or not, his stuff is still there. Just can't move it yet. I'm not trying to move on from him but the practical side of my brain knows I should do what is most beneficial for myself. We'll see. Everything's different. It is what it is.<br />
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<i>If you would like to read more, please click below.</i><br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-4-alone-at-last.html" target="_blank">Week 4</a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-6-huge-thank-you.html" target="_blank">Week 6</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-76712834175432073002016-06-02T09:40:00.001-07:002016-07-18T11:58:08.532-07:00Week 4: Alone at Last<div style="text-align: justify;">
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This past week has been especially full of firsts. The kids went to the beach with their grandmother so it was my first time at home without them. In turn, I also had my first night at home without anyone. It was difficult. It was actually more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I was ready for some alone time and when I got it I just wanted to send it back. </div>
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I had a few moments where I just didn't know what to do with myself. I cleaned up some which needed to be done. I've put it off because it just reminds me I'm now doing it all by myself. I'm not used to it and it is a harsh reminder of what is gone. I got my bathroom clean. His clothes are still in the floor. At some point I know I'll move them but it hasn't happened yet and it probably won't happen soon. I know those clothes are going to be the last thing. I just feel it. That's okay. I'm letting them stay and if people think I'm being ridiculous they can walk on by. </div>
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I managed to get dressed twice this week. Went to a movie with a buddy and saw Alice In Wonderland. Loved it. I didn't realize until the kids had been gone a day or so that I needed them to be gone. I've focused solely on them and it has not been the best thing to do. It has been great for them but not for me. Thankfully I've got friends that have made sure I'm eating and sleeping and all the other necessary things people have to do to survive. I can never thank those people enough. </div>
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My dad came back to visit so me, him, and a friend ran errands Saturday. Door needed fixing, dogs needed bathing, etc. Just did all the stuff I needed help with basically. I managed to relax with the kids gone. My son got his first fishhook and tetanus shot while he was gone. He's excited about his battle scar. 😄 I'm so glad they had a good time. I wasn't sure he was going to go until they actually left. He was so concerned with leaving me. He just proves to me how big he's getting every single day. It scares me to death and makes me more proud than I ever thought I could be. Geez. I just love those kids so much. He has taken care of me while my youngest has tried to keep me distracted. There is not one doubt in my mind that I would not be here to write this if I did not have them. </div>
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I did some shopping and went to lunch with some friends one day. I had to shop because twice my pants have literally fallen off. No bras, pants, shorts, or anything else for that matter fits now. I literally had no choice. It was nice to get out and do something for me. I was a little surprised by that honestly. This week has been full of surprises. I learned I was "dating". Seriously? It hasn't even been a month. I also learned that it is apparently just fine for me to call my married guy friends if I need something but to call a single guy friend that can help without taking time away from his family and responsibilities means I must be dating him or he must be at least trying. 😂 At this point in my life I honestly don't know what is wrong with people. </div>
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So this week was way better than last week. Last week was the absolute worst. It just sucked. Now it's time to start being whatever normal is again. It's at least time to figure out what normal is somewhat. Life, man. Life. Ugh. It just is what it is. </div>
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Note: This didn't publish correctly for some reason to begin with. Sorry!<br />
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<i>If you would like to read more click below.</i><br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/05/week-3-new-normal.html" target="_blank">Week 3</a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-5-after-break.html" target="_blank">Week 5</a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-3112009555003513552016-05-26T13:50:00.000-07:002016-07-18T11:52:50.459-07:00Week 3: A New Normal<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Week 3 is over as of today. I have to say, this has been the worst week so far. There are numerous reasons. Friday was the commitment hearing for the person who hit him. I avoided it completely. The ADA called me as soon as it was over and let me know what happened. The man did not get bond which was expected. Honestly, as much as I hate him, I have passed the "I want him to die" stage and have made it to the "I really hate that even more lives are ruined because of his actions" stage. He has a family. <i><u>A mother.</u></i> Friends. Someone else has lost someone they care about too and I hate that for them. If all I can be is vengeful and all I can think about is revenge I will turn into a person TJ would hate and I do not ever want that to happen.<br />
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<span style="text-align: justify;">My mom came down to be with me for the hearing. We managed to go to the bank where the song we danced to at our wedding renewal 6 1/2 months ago came on. I cried in the bank. Just cried. No breakdown. Mostly because it's such a happy memory.</span><br />
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My mom took me to get our nails done. Seemed pointless but felt great. Nobody there knew who I was so I had a public hour without hearing "I'm so sorry," followed by, "What <i>exactly</i> happened?" Just so you know, whether you know a person or not (and *especially* if not because then you are flat out being nosy - good time to learn how to use Google and how to mind your own business) asking them to explain to you exactly how a person close to them was killed is <b>not</b> a good thing to do. <b>EVER. </b>Our son had a lock-in at school he went to from 3:30-8:00 and then a church lock-in after. We picked him up from school and dropped him off at church then had Mexican. First time I had gone to one of "our spots" without him. Since my mom was with me it was okay. We stayed up all night talking and passed out.<br />
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Saturday Mom helped me clean off his dresser. I couldn't do it but there were some things I needed to find that were there. She also emptied my bathroom trash can. Sounds silly, but all of his cigar trash was in it and I couldn't do it. I had tried at least 3 times already and walked away every time. I got everything out of his car put up as well. It was in the floor and on my dresser so it had to be done. We also got Bojar (Boy-er) brushed and his anxiety is doing much better thankfully.<br />
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Sunday was hard. It was the first time I've gone to church. I dreaded it all day. I'm glad I went but I've never gone without him so it was one of the hardest firsts I've had. I meant to take his Bible which was in his car with him when he got hit but I was so frazzled I forgot it. I wound up not needing it. I know church is where I need to be but right now I talk to God from home mostly. Sometimes it gets loud.<br />
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Monday was uneventful except for the drive to counseling. 3 of our songs came on in a row. Wildest Dreams, You Are Not Alone, and Shake It Off. He loved Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift and wasn't ashamed at all. Coincidentally, those same 3 songs played Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I haven't heard the MJ song on the radio since right after he passed. It was definitely a little odd and comforting.</div>
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<span style="text-align: justify;">This </span><a href="https://youtu.be/ibSme0arxkU" style="text-align: justify;" target="_blank">song</a><span style="text-align: justify;"> was played at our sons awards ceremony Tuesday and it has been stuck in my head ever since. I feel exactly like the song. No explanation needed. It was the longest day I've had so far. I basically cried all day. It's difficult to be happy and sad all at once but I'm becoming a pro. The first big thing he missed. As you can see below, he was still well represented. These people have been there every minute we've needed them and I couldn't be more thankful. Our son had a rough day and a meltdown in the evening. The first really big one he's had. We worked through it together. He felt better after than he did before. He's holding a lot of things in so that I don't get upset.</span></div>
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Wednesday the kids decided they didn't want to go to school. Tuesday was such a long day for them that they were still exhausted so we just hung around the house and didn't do much of anything. We had some company come by, played video games, and napped. We tried to recuperate from Tuesday basically. They did go to their last day of school today and had a good time. They needed it and I needed it for them. I need to see my kids be happy sometimes, especially when they pointed out earlier this week that nobody laughs as much anymore around here. They pick up on everything.</div>
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Overall this week just sucked. We're trying to settle in and find a new normal but it isn't very easy. It all happened at a time that came with a lot of changes anyway. The end of school, summer coming... So much happening all at once. One day at a time is what I tell myself over and over. It can't be changed. It is what it is.<br />
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<i><b>If you would like to read more, previous and next posts are linked below.</b></i><br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/05/week-2-still-beginning.html" target="_blank"><b>Week 2</b></a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/06/week-4-alone-at-last.html" target="_blank"><b>Week 4</b></a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-30090748496352756212016-05-19T18:42:00.001-07:002016-07-18T11:51:13.739-07:00Week 2: Still the beginning...<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<span style="text-align: justify;">Here we are another week down. Week 2 was not any easier than Week 1 but it was different. I had some great conversations with some people that really do understand exactly what I'm going through and they made all the difference. Don't be afraid to reach out. People that you don't even know can be more of a help than anyone if they have been through the same thing. I also had some people do things for me that were unexpected but very welcome and made me feel just a little bit better about the world at a time when I just want to hate it. Someone came and sprayed our yard for bugs, one of the departments handled yard care for a year, our K9 guys have been out constantly to check on things. It has been amazing and overwhelming how people have just done what they can for us. I have learned to let people help and to accept that help graciously. It's a lesson I had never learned before now. We were always doing the helping, not being helped.</span></div>
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I can understand how situations like this turn into lifelong addictions for people. I cannot count how many people have said something like, "If you can't sleep, just have a glass of wine," or, "Just take this pill, it will help." They are probably right but I'm afraid to start that. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. I tried to get dressed because I was taking my kids by their school so they could visit. I wound up putting on a t-shirt that was his because anything that looked cute seemed wrong. No good reason why at all. The kids decided I didn't need to stay with them so I went to a lady I've been using for a while that does medical massage. On top of everything, I could barely move because dehydration, stress, and anxiety have made my muscles one gigantic knot. It was a huge help going and I have another appointment tomorrow. As soon as I got back my son was all over me telling me he wished he hadn't told me to leave. He is so concerned for me. He told me I needed a "guy roommate" because he didn't want me to have to do everything by myself, including just watching grown-up movies he's not old enough for. He's 11. I hate him thinking about things like that. When did he get so grown and so much like his dad?</div>
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When we got home from the school I realized none of us had eaten. On top of that, I realized none of us were even hungry. Appetites haven't been huge around here lately. I did manage to make tea. That doesn't sound like much but it's the first thing I've had to do alone for us. Everyone has been here and been so helpful I haven't had to do anything. My dad came to visit for the weekend. He grilled steaks and corn and baked potatoes Friday night and steamed crayfish Saturday night. Just something different. We got the house and yard picked up from so many people being here. I had a moment when he cranked the lawnmower. Nobody has ever cut grass here other than TJ and when I heard it start I just broke down for about 10 minutes. I let myself have my moment then I got up and kept going. It would've been very easy to just stay in the floor with his shirt but I chose not to. Since we got everything picked up and kind of back on a schedule Bojar (Boy-er), our K9, got to come home Monday afternoon. He's very anxious but we're all working through issues and he's no different than us.</div>
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I rinsed out his sink in the bathroom. It had toothpaste in it and hair from where he had shaved. I cried the entire time. It felt like I was removing part of him. If he was alive I would've picked at him about not doing it but as annoying as it was I miss it already. His clothes are still in the floor. I can't move them. I assume I will at some point but I can't be sure. His towel is still hanging on the towel rod. I used it once. Almost. When I got out of the tub I just fell in the floor and cried into it because he would never be using it again. Then I got up, dusted myself off, read the notes he left me on the bathroom mirror, and felt better remembering at least he was able to use it when he did.<br />
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I have been using my diffuser religiously at night. Lavender and cedarwood are such a great sleep combination. Cedarwood helps reset your short term memory which is great for combating bad dreams. I don't sell oils or anything like that. No sales pitch here. Just good advice for anyone. My children ask for it now since they've started sleeping with me. This week was full of way more breakdowns and breakthroughs than I expected. I washed clothes. The only thing of his in it was a pair of underwear. I cried some more realizing I would never be washing his clothes again. My laundry is cut in half and I'm sad about it. How does that happen? haha. </div>
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So, about the interesting "roommate" conversation with my son this week. He told me I needed to get a "guy roommate". My immediate response was, "There is no way I'm ready for a boyfriend!" He told me that he didn't mean a boyfriend, he literally meant a male roommate because he didn't want me doing everything and having to do things alone. "Mom, you need somebody to help. And maybe watch grown up movies with you. I can't because I'm not old enough but you need somebody to." First of all, excuse me child? You're 11. Stop being 30. Second of all, I know he's right and the thought hurts me to my soul. I can't be alone forever. It doesn't even make sense. The issue is I cannot imagine moving on with another person. Honestly, just the thought makes me physically hurt. </div>
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I spoke with a lady that lives close who lost her husband in an accident a while back. Her call just gave me a peace I didn't know I needed. She could tell me what I felt without me having to say it. It's amazing how complete strangers just get it. The kids went to church and one of my K9 guys offered to drive me to the pet store an hour away so I didn't have to deal with people stopping me every 5 minutes to talk. We had dinner (as friends obviously but you know how people are so I'm clarifying) and laughed and I managed not to feel guilty. I don't know how. I even straightened my hair. First time it had been brushed in over a week. </div>
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The kids and I also spent our first night alone this week. My Facebook post on that was this: "The kids and I are spending our first night alone, accompanied only by a lot of firepower. Lol. We're all in bed watching a cartoon that we watched with Dad not too long ago. We miss T.J. so much but it helps to talk and laugh about him. None of us think he was perfect but we even miss the bad things (like when he was grumpy according to Bacon - haha) bc they were part of who he was. 10 days ago I thought I wouldn't make it another day, yet here I am making it. We all are. He always had a way of making us happy even when things were awful. It's a quality not everyone has. I can't imagine ever loving another person like I love him. He's the person in my life I would literally give my own life for, except he gave his for us instead. We have so many good memories but the last 6 months when he cut out all his extra stuff and was at home all the time are the best memories I'll ever have. Our entire family dynamic changed. I truly believe God knew this was coming and made sure we were able to have a ton of amazing memories before he took him. I will be forever grateful for that instead of being angry he took him and it helps me sleep peacefully and not be bitter. We will see him again one day and hopefully I get to tell him about our next 50 years as a family."</div>
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I did go to a Memorial Luncheon thrown by another fallen officer's family this week. We lost him almost 2 years ago. It's really the only thing I've gone to and I only went because of who was throwing it. I knew it would do them good to see me and I hoped it would do me some good to see them. I was right. It really did. It was the day after I had a very profound experience and I was so at peace during the entire thing. I realize people will wonder what the experience was so I will tell you. Believe it or not. Doesn't matter to me. I was having a hard time falling asleep for the first time. I'm so exhausted by the time we get to bed I've been passing out quickly, but for some reason I couldn't. I sleep with his shirt and somehow when I rolled over it came out of my hand. I reached over and grabbed it and when I did I felt his entire body weight cuddle me. I've imagined him laying there. This was not that. This felt REAL. Like he was right there. I saw his face as clear as if he was sitting in front of me and he said, "Wife, just go to sleep." I was asleep within 10 seconds. I have never felt anything like it before and haven't since but I hope I do. It was amazing. I've had a peace ever since that I didn't even know I was missing.<br />
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I have had so many conflicting feelings this week. A ton of laughs. A few breakdowns. A cryfest here and there. Experiences I didn't even know could happen. A couple of "normal" evenings. One day at a time. As always, it is what it is.<br />
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<b><i>If you would like to read more posts, please click below</i>.</b><br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/05/week-1-beginning.html" target="_blank"><b>Week 1</b></a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/05/week-3-new-normal.html" target="_blank"><b>Week 3</b></a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-33579589807478979322016-05-12T17:05:00.003-07:002016-07-18T11:48:16.662-07:00Week 1: The Beginning<div style="text-align: center;">
If you would like to stay updated, please <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/TTQEH" target="_blank">subscribe</a> to my RSS Feed.</div>
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It has been one week since my LEO was killed in the line of duty. I have so many mixed emotions. I want to keep up with this journey so I can see how much things change and I grow. I know there are going to be okay days and days where I melt into a puddle on my floor. So far there's been a nice mix of days, but mostly they've been busy. Now it's time to settle into the long haul. This is not about attention, I don't even care if people read it to be honest. It makes me feel better to write it. Get it all out without depressing everyone on Facebook. And maybe, just maybe, it'll help someone else one day because as bad as I don't want it to, this will happen to someone else.<br />
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Some things about my husband: K9, SWAT, Special Investigations (specifically Narcotics), headed to Instructor Training this summer to eventually open a K9 Training Center. Took kids to school everyday, put them to bed every night, ate dinner at the table with them. Made me laugh, annoyed me, left his clothes wherever he took them off, took a bath with me every night, learned to do acrylic nails so I could have them done since I wouldn't take time away from him to go. Great guy. Selfless in the truest sense of the word.<br />
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Some things about our relationship: It was not perfect. We have been through some things I'd rather forget. We also have memories I wouldn't trade for the world. I can say with 100% certainty I would've rather had the exact same 7 1/2 years with him than 50 with someone else. No questions asked. People say we had a fairy tale romance due to the circumstances that brought us together and because we only knew each other for two months before we got married. We had a fairy tale love but not a fairy tale romance. There is a difference. Either way, it was real. Every single second. I have no regrets and that makes it easier. We loved each other so much and my mind is peaceful. No "what ifs". Just peace knowing he's better and I'll see him again.</div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">Today is the first day I've been pretty much alone. I got my son up and had him clean his room. I didn't want to make him. I set up his first counseling appointment. Setting up appointments for him because his father was murdered is not something I ever thought I would have to do. My daughter has been spending a lot of time with my MIL because it's therapeutic for them both and my son needs alone time with me.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">We're trying to get back to normal but we cannot get back to normal because our normal is gone. Now we're trying to figure out what our new normal is. I think that's the hardest thing. I took a bath while he started on his room. I realized I hadn't had one since Sunday. It's Thursday. It hasn't even crossed my mind. When I did get in the bath, I started to shave and thought, "Why am I shaving? It doesn't even matter." I almost felt like I was betraying him. Like the only reason I shave is for him. I shaved long before I met him, but it didn't matter. I thought about putting on make up so I didn't look dead and it felt like I was trying to impress someone. It's almost like I'm afraid if another man notices me I'm betraying him. Men have noticed me plenty of times while he was with me. How could it be a betrayal? I don't know, but it feels like one. We wound up not even leaving the house.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">I need to clean my bathroom but I can't figure out when I'll be able to get his dirty clothes out of the floor. It's almost like if I remove them I'm removing him and his memory. I sleep with his shirt every night. It's comforting. I'm not in shock or denial. It just makes me feel better to be reminded of him. I had to mark myself as "widowed" on more than one piece of paperwork today. It was horrible.</span><br />
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He was so pretty. I got messages like these all day every day. I think I miss that the most.</div>
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We're watching Star Wars now and just talking about him and how much he loved this movie too. A stack of movies he never got to watch is still here. He was just the best. He really was. My old <a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2014/07/what-its-like-to-love-leo.html" target="_blank">post about loving a LEO</a> has had 28K+ views. It talks about how it's not glamorous. This is the epitome of that. No glamour to it. This is real life. He's really gone. He's really never coming back. I'll really never hear that velcro again. Don't make this life glamorous. Don't ever be that stupid.</div>
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There have been things happen during this time I would've never expected. Petty things. Things that would normally never be a second thought in my head but now they just make me furious. People posting numerous things about my husband but didn't take 5 minutes out of their partying to stop by or even call. We could obviously see how upset those people were. The ones not around post the most because they need the most attention. People who can't even tag him in a status because they were blocked from his pages but are all of a sudden his best friend. Seriously? People here didn't need attention. We know how upset they were because we were here to see it. People inserting themselves in the situation when they haven't cared about seeing or speaking to him in years but are all of a sudden so distraught over him being gone. I just want to scream "STOP!!! This is my LIFE. Every. Single. Day. I miss him. My whole life as I knew it was over and you had a nice party day this weekend." I haven't because I'm afraid if I let myself get angry I won't ever stop. There have been numerous people post and say things that don't see him that don't bother me because they're not trying to pretend they were super close or best friends or that they've been here for us. I know this probably sounds petty but it's amazing the things that bother you when it becomes about your murdered husband. At this point I guess I don't care who gets mad. I try to keep it to myself but if they run across this, oh well.</div>
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Either way, Week 1 is down and over. We survived and we'll survive the next week too unless it's our time to go. Life goes on. It may not be easy, but it is what it is.<br />
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If you would like to read more posts, please click below.<br />
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<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/05/week-2-still-beginning.html" target="_blank">Week 2</a><br />
<a href="http://jmfreee.blogspot.com/2016/05/week-3-new-normal.html" target="_blank">Week 3</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-5751955717654366052015-09-10T22:25:00.001-07:002015-09-10T22:25:46.336-07:00It's been a while....I was just on Pinterest for a minute or two <i>(or 60), </i>and saw a few times where my 'What It's Like to Love a LEO' post had been shared and pinned numerous times. The descriptions were amazing. People I didn't know saying thank you to me (who they didn't know) for writing something they could 100% relate to. Ladies, I'm here to tell you that post is still completely relevant to me too. Especially with all the happenings going on lately. It has just been one struggle after another. <div><br></div><div>Seeing my post pinned over and over also made me realize how much I missed blogging. I know it's useless, but it gives me a way to interact with people who understand whether I know them or not. I have been so busy lately I let the things that I do just for me slide. <b>WHY??? </b>I need that now more than ever. My personal LEO has been gone this week. It has been difficult. He is handling something with K-9 so he's hours away and I'm here, being Mom and Dad. And the maid. And the cook. And the disciplinarian. And the zookeeper. I won't keep going, even though I could. </div><div><br></div><div>Anyway, my week. Let's recap: Monday Copper left. No big deal. He was here until lunch. About the time he left our 7 yr old pit bull got sick. From <i>everywhere.</i> It lasted all night. I'm not sure if I felt worse for him or me. Oh, me definitely because by that night I was sick too. Up until 4:30 am the. Took the littles to school.l and thankfully it was uneventful, so Tuesday was okay, just a loooong day. Had to work on some vinyl stuff, normal job, etc. But then Wednesday came and it brought an entirely different meaning of hell with it. Got the kids up and dressed. Little says she doesn't feel good and won't eat breakfast so she lays on the couch and wraps up in a comforter. I take Big to school bc it's not even 5 minutes away. Left her with the phone and locked her in. Get back and walked over to check for fever. At this moment she sits up and literally throws up onto my feet. I'm talking about in between my <b>toes </b>folks. This went on all day. Port thing. Oh, remember how the dog was sick Monday? It lasted through Tuesday morning but that was it. Until the minute I had the slime between my toes. What do I hear happening in the other room? I won't tell you. Let's just say it was worse - yes, WORSE - than the toe slime. This also went on all day. I was so glad for it to end. </div><div><br></div><div>So, here I am on Thursday. I'm taking care of the farm plus doing the 2 jobs and I get a call from Big's teacher letting me know he painted a kid one day this week (how in the hell did that even happen and how come I'm only finding out now) and has been turning in no homework. Awesome. He is so smart but he despises homework. Makes both of our lives difficult. Deal with that, and not very well I hate to admit. I'm stressed and still not over being sick so I had a moment. Whatever. It happens. </div><div><br></div><div>I would like to give a <i>HUGE </i>shoutout to the single parents. It is so hard. I do spend a lot of time alone but it feels different when you know that eventually they'll be home. Might be after a 20 hour shift but they will be. Knowing my backup is hours away sucks. You people that do this all the time as single parents are amazing and have my full respect. </div><div><br></div><div>The kicker? He's gone next week too. Send prayers. :/</div><div><br></div><div>Thanks for listening to my rant. Feel free to share your horror stories with me. We can vent and rant together as only</div><div>our community can. Blue Family is the best family. 💙💙💙</div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298332825388842604noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5417402406514961164.post-18519948608225805102014-08-29T09:22:00.000-07:002014-08-29T09:22:17.915-07:00My new jewelry hangers.I have been especially stressed out lately. I'm not typically a stressed person, but there have been a million things going on that are just out of my control. I'm not a control freak, but I like to know where things are headed. I have been planning on making some jewelry hangers for a while. When I get stressed I get extra productive. It worked out well in this case, because I now have some really cool jewelry hangers. We caught all the knobs on sale at Hobby Lobby for 50% off and spent about an hour picking them out. Husband wanted his own, kids wanted to pick out some... Yeah, it was a long process. But I loved what we wound up with. These are just some pictures of how I finished them.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Had to cut the right length of board.</td></tr>
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I found some wood left by the previous owners of our house under the porch. It was perfect. As you can see, I didn't have any big saws or anything else out. Since we moved we don't have a workshop and it was easier to just cut it than to go to my MIL's to do it. I just decided what length I needed, cut it, and took it to my kitchen sink and washed it off. Also, please don't judge me below. I was still in pajamas. It was just one of those days. :/ My daughter decided to snap some random pictures so I thought I'd use one.<br />
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I measuerd all mine 2.5 inches apart and left that same amount hanging off each end. It balanced nicely.<div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Drilling some holes.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Counter sunk holes.</td></tr>
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I did stain and polyacrylic the fronts before I added the knobs, but most people want the really distressed look now. If that was what I wanted I wouldn't have done anything to it. These are the drilled holes with the knobs and nuts already screwed in. I didn't need the washers. I used 2 drill bits for these holes. I did the smaller part first with a 1/4 inch bit (I think). Drilled those all the way through, then put on a 1/2 inch bit and drilled about halfway through the wood. I did it slowly and had no problems at all. I have never done this before so I was surprised I didn't screw it up. It was easy.<br />
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Then my DH used a sawzall with a diamond blade and shaved off the extra length from the knobs. I could have done it, but he likes using the saw. It does look like a tiger stripe on the back of it but you can't tell anywhere else. We could have gotten the grinder out and the back would have been much prettier, but seriously, who's looking at the back when it's on my wall?<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's so helpful</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can't see the saw marks even from the top.</td></tr>
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We wound up with something that made us both very happy. We each have our own. I was so happy with the way it came out. There are teeth type picture hangers on the back. One on each end. It sits almost flush with the wall. He loved all the weird knobs, especially the dog head. Too bad they didn't have any breed specific knobs. K9 officers have one track minds sometimes.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is mine.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is is TJs.</td></tr>
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And the first one I actually made was for my MIL's birthday. She has beachy stuff all over her house so we were able to find the perfect knobs for her. She loved it. Hers is going to have 2 screws attached to each corner and wire wrapped around them so that it will hang on the wall like string for a different look. Fits her house perfectly.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_NTjv5mGjEEkl4pCv4UZmqld_B6INvcsQdjokVStfgerMzYhgD8K0sA_uIlKqrO_aqm2ux_DqBD_wvBSZWfKY1DuIXlk_x9auRDJloXRYPZvJVrH4SumF-dpBECyLgU2U48B64Srzzqae/s1600/IMG_5135%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_NTjv5mGjEEkl4pCv4UZmqld_B6INvcsQdjokVStfgerMzYhgD8K0sA_uIlKqrO_aqm2ux_DqBD_wvBSZWfKY1DuIXlk_x9auRDJloXRYPZvJVrH4SumF-dpBECyLgU2U48B64Srzzqae/s1600/IMG_5135%5B1%5D.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">MIL's birthday present.</td></tr>
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<br /> So there you go. Fairly easy to make your own cute, custom jewelry hanger. I'm going to make an earring holder from the long cabinet and door handles at some point. Those are already bought and at home too, just haven't had time.<br />
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On a side note, if anyone see any knobs anywhere police related, please let me know! I think it would be awesome to have one to put in his office. I say jewelry holders, but it could be a coat rack during the winter as long as it's hung well.<br />
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