Week 21: Chattanooga IronMan

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This has been a long week but not a terrible one. Friday I packed and tried to mentally prepare for being gone all weekend. Another stress but I was still excited to go to Chattanooga. It was the first IronMan competition I've ever been to and I  was amazed at the people doing it. The amount of motivation and determination they possess is off the chart. Anxiety from packing and knowing I had to travel made me feel like this.

It wasn't all bad though. I took Little1 to see my massage therapist for his shin splints. His Achilles tendon was so tight it was in danger of ripping in half. She worked it out thankfully. If you're in our area you should go see her. She's worked out all of our issues. He has had to soak and ice it all week but it's doing better now. The Besties and their boys stayed the night so we could all leave together the next morning. We ate way too much Chinese food for dinner and tried to go to bed early.

We got up Saturday and left pretty early but we wanted to get there in time to go see all the stuff set up for IronMan and tour Chattanooga a little bit. We met my mom at the hotel and unloaded everything. Have I mentioned all 8 of us were staying in the same room? At first not everyone was going then the hotel booked all the rooms. Glad we're all family! haha. We thought it was going to be crazy. Then we Uber'd a ride and went downtown. It was really nice. One of my favorite cousins lives in Chatt with his wife so we got to see them and they led us on a tour of Chattanooga. We got to visit the MoonPie store and bought all kinds, tried on ridiculous hats (I'm sure the Sorting Hat whispered Gryffindor to me), and bought cream sodas at a great candy store. Also, we SnapChat a lot. :)

My heart.

We ate dinner with some great Team BlueLine members at a pizza place. We actually made the trip to meet them and cheer them on. Delicious food. After dinner we went to the room and as many people as we had staying in it you would think the evening would be miserable but it wasn't. Let me not forget to mention that poor A's pants fell down while he was carrying stuff up the stairs. He couldn't drop the stuff and he couldn't pull his pants up. His wife and I laughed and took pictures. lol. The kids all love each other and sometimes the adults like them too (haha) so it worked out. We shared beds, made pallets, and watched cartoons. Got this random guy to let me take a picture of his shirt the next morning while we were eating breakfast. It was my favorite shirt I saw hands down.

We helped with the TBL tent which also helps by selling shirts, stickers, cups, and all types of things. This is my favorite picture from  the entire trip. This is Barry, one of the Team BlueLine members. He is a previous LEO, a huge supporter of all things law enforcement, and an all around great guy. I know because my children love him. Somehow he got these kids to just follow him around. Some of them don't speak to anyone and yet here they are. He wasn't the only member but he's the only one we got a picture of. Sadly, I didn't even take this. His wife Cindy (who also does IronMan competitions) took it and sent it to me. They were such a blast. I met some awesome police wives while we were there as well. (Hey Sherri!)

Watching the IronMan really was amazing. We saw the first finisher and then we had to head home. We did have another amusing situation on the way home. We were tired and traffic was awful so what did we do? Accelerate the situation by stopping at McDonald's. We had our order together. It was very simple. Ordered very clearly. Then we waited. After 15 minutes we get handed a bag of fries. We stood there for a second while they try to figure out what was going on and then the girl at the counter finally looks at the girl bagging the food and says "It's to go". The girl responded with "All of it?" Dear lord. I thought I was going to die laughing. I am not belittling anyone who works in fast food, trust me. But when you're handed half a bag of food and the other half is on a tray to eat in it is funny. Yes. All of it hon.

The rest of the week was slower. Monday Little2 got her first eggs from her chickens and she was super excited. Can't you tell?

L1 had to miss his first game Tuesday because his leg was still not right. My MIL took them out to dinner Wednesday night which they enjoyed. Another thing that happened Wednesday was one of the police widows I know got engaged. She is younger than me and such a good person. Beautiful, fuuny... She deserves the best life has to offer. We all go through kind of the same things and her being able to be happy and move on gives me hope for the future. I don't want to be alone and unhappy forever. I'm not actively looking to move on but one day I hope I have someone there. I hope the hole gets filled just a little. We also worked on L2's coin puzzle she got. It takes longer than you'd think and it was fun.

Today L1 had to miss his 2nd soccer game as well. I'm afraid he isn't going to be able to play this season. Basically his muscles can't grow fast enough to catch up with his growth spurt. I hate it but he's tough and he understands. I also made a hair appointment. I need a change. I'm getting it for sure next week. Can't wait!

Links to the previous and next post are below.

Week 20
Week 22

Week 15: Be a good friend folks.

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This week was ridiculous like the past couple. Well, Friday was actually nice. The stress from school starting was almost gone and friends came over. It was so nice. We had still been working on baby shower stuff so another friend drove out on her kid-free day and delivered everyone lunch from a place here called Roly Poly that has the best wraps. Really, they have the best sauce. I go places for sauces and fries. I eat like a child. lol. I got to do my favorite thing after lunch - my weekly massage. My allergies have been acting up and anyone who has allergy issues can understand feeling like your whole body can't breathe so I was looking forward to it even more than usual. If you're in the middle Georgia area she is worth any drive you'd have to make and you can book an appointment with her here. I get zero incentives for recommending people, I just believe if you hurt somewhere, give her a few weeks and she can fix it even if it's been hurting for years. I also got a nice text saying my Mustang had been completely tuned up. I have the best friends.

Saturday was just a normal day. We cleaned, did some grocery shopping, and hung out with the besties and their kids that evening. Sunday my crew surprised a crew member of ours who's been super stressed out with a cleaning day. Sounds like a good surprise but when people start showing up at 9am to clean and you don't know about it, it can make for an annoying morning I'm sure. We didn't care. Also, I wouldn't really know since on my way out of the house I dropped the entire box of cleaning supplies under the car (How does that even happen?) which caused me to spill my entire tea down my shirt, shorts, and legs. I'm so graceful. 😂 So I got there almost an hour late. Anyway, sometimes people need a foot up the ass and sometimes people just need some help because they're drowning. This situation was the latter. We got the main parts and as most of you know, once you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's easier to keep going. I don't think there's many things you can do that are better than being a good friend so I try to do that as much as I can. All of my friends do which is why they're my friends.

The rest of the week wasn't very eventful. Makes for a boring blog post but it's the best week I've had in a while. Wednesday the bestie came over and cleaned again. At this point it probably sounds like I do nothing but I cannot even begin to explain how bad everything got from so many people being here. It was crazy. On a happy note, I got packages delivered too. One had crystals in it (smoky quartz, selenite wand, etc.) and the other had gardening and bath product books in it. I need to get back to making soap and all so I figure why not start out fresh and start testing some new recipes.

Today I spent cleaning and getting ready to leave tomorrow. We're going to a road race sponsored by Team Blue Line. We're excited to get to meet the founders in person. They're great people. I'm still a little apprehensive about traveling but it's not super far away and it's only for a night. My mom is meeting us there too so I know everything will be fine. She even got some special keychains made to give to some of the runners and officers working because she's awesome.

I managed to vacuum my mattress (so gross) and wash all the linens. I worked in the bathroom. I emptied the drawers. I reorganized about half of it and the rest is still on the counter. Guess what? It'll still be there when I come back because unlike my husband I was not blessed with a "cleaning fairy". I'm just going to toss this picture of L2 out here because she dresses herself and looks better than half the adults I know. It's crazy.

All in all, this week was decent. It's the best I've had in about a month so I will definitely take it with no complaints. Again, thank you to all who sent up anything positive for us. I know it helped.

I have linked the previous and next post below.

Week 14

Week 16

Week 8: Taking Care of Business

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This week started off with Little #1 getting home from church camp. By Friday I was so ready to see him. I know he had fun but he also had some hard times I couldn't be there for and I hate that for him. I had a nice surprise waiting when he got home. We went together and got a cell phone for him. He had no idea why we were there until we were leaving and I handed him his new phone. He hugged me and the customer service person remarked how he'd never seen a child hug a parent for getting them a phone. I guess most feel entitled so it was a nice compliment for me. L#1 just told him how much he loves his mama and that he hugs me all the time. ☺️ We stopped by a couple more places, went home, and did nothing together. It was great. 

Saturday we went to lunch and a movie. I got outvoted so we saw Independence Day 2 instead of Finding Dory. It turned out to be really good so it was fine. Went home after and just hung out. Nice, relaxing day.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Monday was another counseling appointment for L#1. It went very well. He's starting to open up some. It was his hardest session yet. His emotions were still a little raw from camp. He did take the therapists advice and cut back on the video games on his own which was very nice. I was dreading having to cut him back even though I knew it needed to be done. He had a checkup with his doctor Monday afternoon. Everything was fine and he was excited about seeing his doctor so it worked out great. We went out to eat with our best friends and their kids that evening then hung out at the house so the boys could see each other. Good ending to the night for him. 

Tuesday I had a meeting with a lawyer. Please make sure you get a Will done if you don't already have one. Dealing with stuff on my end shouldn't be too difficult but it would be much simpler with a will. I didn't want to but I've learned it's best right now to have a lawyer. There is so much paperwork that even though that's my actual job, I just can't get through it all. 

Wednesday was fairly uneventful. Went to lunch with L#1 and shopped with a friend to help her find some stuff for her new job. Came home, laid around, and went to bed. Another nice relaxing day. 

Today I went to a bench dedication. The vet office that handles all of the K-9's for our Sheriff's Office dedicated a bench and put a very nice plaque out beside it in TJ's memory. It's beautiful and such a sweet gesture of remembrance. It was a little emotional. I held it together until I got home. I hibernated in my room for about an hour and then I was done. Pick it up and move it along. 

A man also handmade a model car to match our cruisers and had custom decals made for it. You can see more of his work here. It's beautiful. Just more things people have amazed me by doing. Some of the things are so considerate and thoughtful it's unreal.

You can probably tell a lot of the excitement has died down. We are in the new normal rut right now. We're basically going through the motions from day to day. I'm glad they're getting plenty of time to adjust during the summer instead of having to deal with school but it's also very unstructured. We just hang out a lot of days and wait on the next day to get here. I think that'll change some when school starts back. I think school is going to have an entirely different set of issues this year. I guess we'll find out. It is what it is. 

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Week 7

Week 9

Week 7: Happy 7th Birthday Little #2!

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I'm going to be a happy mom for a minute. This beautiful girl had her 7th birthday on Father's Day of all days.

She was also born on Father's Day. We had a lot of family come into town for cake and presents. We had her party on Saturday instead of Sunday. It was a little stressful. There were a lot more people than I expected and I just do not have the nerves for that yet. I am glad they were all  there. She genuinely enjoyed it. Some friends and I skipped out about 7 and briefly went to a welcome home party for a friend while the grandparents watched the kids. Everyone except those friends went home and we just hung out on the back porch. It was so relaxing.

Since my mom and dad came into town she got to go back home with Nana for a week. They would have had to leave late if we did her party on Sunday. After they left Sunday morning it was just Little #1 and I. We watched cartoons and ate pizza rolls because that's what he wanted to do.

He left Monday morning for church camp. I got a couple of messages from him Monday night. He was very upset. He's a homebody anyway and needs his alone time which is hard to get at camp. He made it through the night and Tuesday was much better. I got some really funny pictures and he had a soccer slot that day so he was much happier.

The past two weeks have brought around a new feeling. I'm not even sure what it is. I have somehow been relaxed. I go to a medical massage therapist every week and even she remarked on how much better my muscles were. Some knots seem to have just fell out. Someone not long ago told me I was inspiring in how I was dealing with the entire situation. I just told them I could either get worse or get better so I'm hoping I'm getting better specifically with this situation and generally with life. We could all improve in some way. I am trying to be less negative about things. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things. I am also trying to learn to let things go. It is not something I do very well but I am working on it.

Life is just so odd at this point. Things are happening I never expected and learning to deal with change is not a prominent trait I have either. I'm trying though and that's all I can do. I've gotten past the whispers and rumors already. I am going to be happy because the only other option is unhappy and that's not fair. It's not fair to the children or me to walk around miserable all the time. This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. 

What can I say? It is what it is.


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Week 6
Week 8

Week 6: A Huge Thank You

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My posts have been a little negative lately. My life has been a little negative so I guess that's to be expected, but I thought I'd use this week to be a little more positive. I'll get to that. 😀

The only major milestone this week was that our closest friends and I went to our "spot". We hung out with the kids all day before that trip. It was a little hard being there without him but when you have amazing friends it makes it so much easier. My best friends birthday was this week so we celebrated that too. My best friend just happens to be one of his best friends and her husband is his very best friend so it makes things extra hard for us to get through things sometimes but we manage. 

She was not happy about the candles but I didn't care. I did make her favorite chocolate chocolate chip sour cream cupcakes and cream cheese icing so it was fine because she was not getting one without candles in it. And really, isn't she beautiful? Her hair makes me want to rip it out and glue it on my head. 😒

I'm not feeling super wordy today so I thought it would be nice to share some pictures of some of the amazing things the kids and I have received since the wreck. A lot of these came from civilians who just want officers and their families to know they care which has restored some of my faith in humanity. People can be really great when they want. Most of these are posted on my Instagram so if you've seen them already I'm sorry! I just want to make sure everyone can see them. Maybe some of the people who have sent these in will see this one day and know how thankful I have been for their support. 

This is nowhere near all of the stuff. I will add some of the things to later posts so we can all get some periodic reminding of how the entire world isn't against even when it feels like it is. I've had people do so many generous things free of charge as well like spray for bugs outside to help the kids, mount some animals from his hunting trip, do massages, bring food, donate a gun to a raffle, etc. I could go on and on. At some point I am going to make a post and name these people and businesses by name so they get some recognition for supporting a sometimes thankless profession. 

I have still had some moments this week. I think I had my angriest day so far this week. It's the first time I've really been furious in weeks. It was over something I can't change so it's not worth mentioning but it still kind of sucked. The clothes are still in the bathroom floor. I knew they wouldn't be moved yet. I did get a ton of things I've been putting off done this week. Truck went to the shop, visited some places I needed to, went by his office and picked up the rest of his stuff... I'm exhausted at this point. I had to get all this done so it was worth it but I need some good sleep right now. Hopefully I get it. I'll be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel. I'm sorry. I'm such a nerd. It is what it is. 😁

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Week 5

Week 7

Week 5: After the Break

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This last week has been a blur. It was so busy compared to the last month. I had to go shopping again. It was awful. Nothing fits. For all the people that constantly tell me they wish they were my size, I've got a diet plan that works right now but I wouldn't recommend it. I hate having to spend money on clothes but mine are literally falling off. I got dressed almost every day. The difference just getting dressed makes is unbelievable. I even put on eyeliner and mascara once. And yes, I know my pants have a hole or two. They're comfortable that way. 

My mom came to visit and I got her to myself the whole weekend since the kids were gone. It never happens anymore and I loved it. We hung out with each other, some friends, and some family. It was great. I don't know what I'd do without her some days. As a person I'm a little odd but she always tries to understand me and she doesn't judge me. She has had my back even when I was dead wrong. And man does she love TJ.

We enjoyed our family dinner with my favorite people too. Even had a photo session. 

I haven't been back to church. I need to but right now crowds just don't work for me. I have been reading a daily devotional some thoughtful anonymous person sent me. I love it. It is specifically for grief and has helped calm my mind more than once. I've also been getting specifics down for a foundation to help officers left behind after a tragedy by working with an officer from around here. Busy all the time is good for me. I know some people don't like it but it's just what I need most days.

The kids got home Tuesday. I don't know if I've ever been as happy to see them as I was when they got home this time. I missed them so much. They had a great time with their grandparents but they were happy to be home too. My Little B lost her first tooth. It literally fell out. I've been trying to pull it for weeks but she wouldn't let me.

We had a family therapy session the afternoon they got home. It went well. It was difficult but needed and I do think it's helping my son. They don't normally get a ton of television or video game time but it's been raining a lot and school is out so they've gotten more than normal. He admitted he's been playing so much because he can zone out and not think about what is really going on. This is good at times but bad as well because he's not letting himself process his emotions. At some point they just wind up boiling over. I just can't imagine having to process what he's processing at his age but he is managing like a champ. 

I went to the grocery store alone for the first time as well Tuesday. It sucked so bad. I haven't done that in years. I missed him shopping by color and throwing at least 5 useless things in with the stuff we needed. I hated having to not buy the things only he ate. I could've bought them anyway but it would've been a waste so I didn't. I'm so glad logic usually wins with me. Not being overly emotional has been the best thing I could have asked for over the last five weeks.

I also had some great help this week. A friend has helped me with all the guy stuff. Changing light bulbs, taking care of the animals, cleaning out the freezers... The list never ends and some of it I just can't do by myself. It's nice to not have to do it all alone. I haven't moved any of TJs stuff this week. I did pay bills. I've got to get a new vehicle. Mine is the same one I've had since I was 17 and both of ours have 200K+ miles on them. We were already looking for something so I plan on staying with our original idea. I'm sure plenty of people will have something to say about it but I don't care anymore. We had the money for it and I'm doing it. Everyone worries because mine are old and it is different knowing if something happens he won't be with us to help fix it. It sucks thinking about what other people will say. That's not something I normally do and I hate it. People say stuff either way though so I may as well do what I need to. I still don't really care what people think about me unless it has to do with how I felt about him. I loved him with every fiber I had to love a person with and people belittling decisions or thinking I'm not handling things correctly just infuriates me.

Today is a cleaning day. The house is finally returning to some type of order. At least one kids room has been completely cleaned out. One left to go. I've been debating on moving some of his stuff around in the closet. Haven't done it yet, but honestly it doesn't make sense to leave all his stuff where it is when half of mine could go there and be way easier for me. Whether it makes sense or not, his stuff is still there. Just can't move it yet. I'm not trying to move on from him but the practical side of my brain knows I should do what is most beneficial for myself. We'll see. Everything's different. It is what it is.


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Week 4
Week 6

Week 4: Alone at Last

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This past week has been especially full of firsts. The kids went to the beach with their grandmother so it was my first time at home without them. In turn, I also had my first night at home without anyone. It was difficult. It was actually more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I was ready for some alone time and when I got it I just wanted to send it back. 

I had a few moments where I just didn't know what to do with myself. I cleaned up some which needed to be done. I've put it off because it just reminds me I'm now doing it all by myself. I'm not used to it and it is a harsh reminder of what is gone. I got my bathroom clean. His clothes are still in the floor. At some point I know I'll move them but it hasn't happened yet and it probably won't happen soon. I know those clothes are going to be the last thing. I just feel it. That's okay. I'm letting them stay and if people think I'm being ridiculous they can walk on by. 

I managed to get dressed twice this week. Went to a movie with a buddy and saw Alice In Wonderland. Loved it. I didn't realize until the kids had been gone a day or so that I needed them to be gone. I've focused solely on them and it has not been the best thing to do. It has been great for them but not for me. Thankfully I've got friends that have made sure I'm eating and sleeping and all the other necessary things people have to do to survive. I can never thank those people enough. 

My dad came back to visit so me, him, and a friend ran errands Saturday. Door needed fixing, dogs needed bathing, etc. Just did all the stuff I needed help with basically. I managed to relax with the kids gone. My son got his first fishhook and tetanus shot while he was gone. He's excited about his battle scar. 😄 I'm so glad they had a good time. I wasn't sure he was going to go until they actually left. He was so concerned with leaving me. He just proves to me how big he's getting every single day. It scares me to death and makes me more proud than I ever thought I could be. Geez. I just love those kids so much. He has taken care of me while my youngest has tried to keep me distracted. There is not one doubt in my mind that I would not be here to write this if I did not have them. 

I did some shopping and went to lunch with some friends one day. I had to shop because twice my pants have literally fallen off. No bras, pants, shorts, or anything else for that matter fits now. I literally had no choice. It was nice to get out and do something for me. I was a little surprised by that honestly. This week has been full of surprises. I learned I was "dating". Seriously? It hasn't even been a month. I also learned that it is apparently just fine for me to call my married guy friends if I need something but to call a single guy friend that can help without taking time away from his family and responsibilities means I must be dating him or he must be at least trying. 😂 At this point in my life I honestly don't know what is wrong with people. 

So this week was way better than last week. Last week was the absolute worst. It just sucked. Now it's time to start being whatever normal is again. It's at least time to figure out what normal is somewhat. Life, man. Life. Ugh. It just is what it is. 

Note: This didn't publish correctly for some reason to begin with. Sorry!

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Week 3
Week 5