Thursday, July 21, 2016

Week 11: Headstones and Tattoos

                       *If you would like to stay updated, please subscribe to my RSS Feed.*

Last week basically continued this week. It was the longest week. The kids came home Saturday since they stayed with their grandparents after we left the beach. I was so glad to see them when they got here. The after math of the panic attack continued for days. It's been so long since I had one I had forgotten how awful they could be and how much of a long lasting effect they can have.

Friday was actually a decent day aside from the headache that wouldn't quit. Bojar had been in training for 4 weeks and I got to go get him. I was so glad to see him. He has done so well with his training. I got him first thing in the morning so  I took him home and dropped him off in the kennel while I ran out to buy dog food. I also had to pick up a set of shock collars since training has to be continuous. When we got home the very first thing he did was get in my bed. He did not chew it up and got down when instructed so that was a nice change. Obviously he can still smell DH in the bed being a German Shepard trained to work with scents but now he can control chewing a hole in the mattress. I was genuinely relieved to bring him home. It was like another piece of DH was here with me. I need things to be familiar as much as possible at home. Outside places change all the time no matter what but home should be a constant. Now he's back and it's familiar and comforting.

The kids got home Saturday so I got a short visit from my dad when he brought them back. It was my grandmother's birthday so he had to leave out early to get to dinner with her on time. We didn't do much of anything. The kids had some friends over that evening and the next so we just all hung around the house. We are trying to get closets cleaned out and rooms deep cleaned. It's an ongoing project unfortunately. They left again Tuesday for the beach with my MIL. They spent a lot of time fishing and hunting Pokemon I've been told.

Tuesday was also the day of the Grand Jury hearing for the man who caused the wreck. I avoided social media like the plague. I spoke to the ADA after and he told me what happened as briefly as he could. I thanked him and tried to go on about my day. It was one of the hardest days I've had. I try to keep my distance.from those situations but it isn't always easy. I just sort of floated through the rest of the day. It was miserable. Peppermint and orange oils were my best friends that day.

Wednesday I had a meeting at the funeral home to pick up a book and go over headstone details. I thought over and over, "Am I really 31 years old and picking out a headstone for my husband who was just killed? Is this real life?" Unfortunately yes, it is real life. It is painful but also beautiful. Like when the lady who worked at the funeral  home asked if she could pray for me and I told her yes. She prayed one of the most heartfelt prayers I have ever heard that brought me to my knees. This is a woman I didn't even know but who I instantly connected with. She had her own type of loss in her past and she knew what I was going through. I know not everyone believes in prayer but whether or not you do doesn't change the fact that someone being so humble and doing the one thing they believe will help most in the world is amazing and beautiful.

After I left the funeral home I went to the tattoo shop one of his best friends works at. It's also where we got our annual Halloween anniversary tattoo (and any others we have) and I haven't seen it or the friend since the funeral. He's called and checked on me plenty but sometimes seeing certain people is hard. It was hard and I cried and cried like a blubbering idiot, especially after the funeral home right before that. It was so good to see him. I  felt better and I know he did too.

Thursday has been fairly uneventful thank God. Thursdays are always a little off for me because it adds one more week to the length of time it's been. I know I'm going to write this blog and I know that means I'm going to have to reflect on things that happened whether they were good or bad. Truthfully I get very anxious about writing this blog now that so many people have started reading it. I've always been a very private person and while I'm glad people check on me and care what is going on I almost want to shrink back and keep it all in. I just keep thinking it might help someone one day so I keep going. Emotions are the best right? *sigh* That's just life. It is what it is.

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.

No comments:

Post a Comment