Week 15: Be a good friend folks.

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This week was ridiculous like the past couple. Well, Friday was actually nice. The stress from school starting was almost gone and friends came over. It was so nice. We had still been working on baby shower stuff so another friend drove out on her kid-free day and delivered everyone lunch from a place here called Roly Poly that has the best wraps. Really, they have the best sauce. I go places for sauces and fries. I eat like a child. lol. I got to do my favorite thing after lunch - my weekly massage. My allergies have been acting up and anyone who has allergy issues can understand feeling like your whole body can't breathe so I was looking forward to it even more than usual. If you're in the middle Georgia area she is worth any drive you'd have to make and you can book an appointment with her here. I get zero incentives for recommending people, I just believe if you hurt somewhere, give her a few weeks and she can fix it even if it's been hurting for years. I also got a nice text saying my Mustang had been completely tuned up. I have the best friends.

Saturday was just a normal day. We cleaned, did some grocery shopping, and hung out with the besties and their kids that evening. Sunday my crew surprised a crew member of ours who's been super stressed out with a cleaning day. Sounds like a good surprise but when people start showing up at 9am to clean and you don't know about it, it can make for an annoying morning I'm sure. We didn't care. Also, I wouldn't really know since on my way out of the house I dropped the entire box of cleaning supplies under the car (How does that even happen?) which caused me to spill my entire tea down my shirt, shorts, and legs. I'm so graceful. 😂 So I got there almost an hour late. Anyway, sometimes people need a foot up the ass and sometimes people just need some help because they're drowning. This situation was the latter. We got the main parts and as most of you know, once you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's easier to keep going. I don't think there's many things you can do that are better than being a good friend so I try to do that as much as I can. All of my friends do which is why they're my friends.

The rest of the week wasn't very eventful. Makes for a boring blog post but it's the best week I've had in a while. Wednesday the bestie came over and cleaned again. At this point it probably sounds like I do nothing but I cannot even begin to explain how bad everything got from so many people being here. It was crazy. On a happy note, I got packages delivered too. One had crystals in it (smoky quartz, selenite wand, etc.) and the other had gardening and bath product books in it. I need to get back to making soap and all so I figure why not start out fresh and start testing some new recipes.

Today I spent cleaning and getting ready to leave tomorrow. We're going to a road race sponsored by Team Blue Line. We're excited to get to meet the founders in person. They're great people. I'm still a little apprehensive about traveling but it's not super far away and it's only for a night. My mom is meeting us there too so I know everything will be fine. She even got some special keychains made to give to some of the runners and officers working because she's awesome.

I managed to vacuum my mattress (so gross) and wash all the linens. I worked in the bathroom. I emptied the drawers. I reorganized about half of it and the rest is still on the counter. Guess what? It'll still be there when I come back because unlike my husband I was not blessed with a "cleaning fairy". I'm just going to toss this picture of L2 out here because she dresses herself and looks better than half the adults I know. It's crazy.

All in all, this week was decent. It's the best I've had in about a month so I will definitely take it with no complaints. Again, thank you to all who sent up anything positive for us. I know it helped.

I have linked the previous and next post below.

Week 14

Week 16

Week 14: First Day of School! 😒

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As usual, here's your warning for a long emotional post. Don't say I didn't warn you. Now, first day of school. Omg. Seriously, it sucked. There is not a good way to say it. I barely slept the night before. I got up and sat around for a few minutes to get it together. Getting the kids up wasn't easy. We'd gotten back on a better night schedule last week but they still didn't want to get up at 6:00am. I didn't either. Little #2 said, "Mom, it's weird with you getting me up." She was right. It was weird. We got breakfast, dressed, backpacks, supplies, and teeth brushed with no real issues. I was surprised. There were officers that offered to go with us but the kids wanted it to be as normal as it could so we just took one friend. Little #1 asked him to go. I think he just wanted some male support. 

When we got in the truck to leave L2 got a little emotional but we turned on a fun song and distracted her. When we got to her school I walked her to her classroom. It went fairly well. I shed a few tears on the way back to the truck but cleared them up quick. I didn't want L1 to see me upset. 

We decided on the way to his school that we would see what everyone else was doing before we made a solid decision on whether or not I'd walk him to class. We did see a few parents going in but mostly they didn't so I let him go by himself. Ugh. It was an awful feeling. As I watched him walk away it hit me just how grown he really is. It also reminded me how much he's grown up just in the last 3 months. He's as tall as me and wears a shoe 3 sizes bigger. He aspires to be a police officer. He has his own hopes and dreams. He is growing up and it is a love/hate thing for me. 

Both kids had a great day. I don't know if I've ever been more relieved in my life. I did text L1 once during the day just in case he checked it but he didn't. He's been great about that. We stopped and got milkshakes after school. 

That night L1 got dinner with a friend and L2 stayed with her BicBic. I had dinner with 2 amazing ladies. One is another police wife who lost her husband in the line of duty and the other is a fire wife who lost her husband as well. I thought on the way there, "Am I doing this? Am I a widow going to meet 2 other widows right now?" Again, how did my life get here y'all? Anyway, it wound up being a great dinner. We laughed so much. It's unfortunate but we're now in an invisible club nobody wants to be a member of. At least my club mates are gorgeous and cool. :)

Saturday was my nephews birthday party but we missed it. I wasn't with the traveling yet but that didn't matter. Both kids made plans. L1 invited one of his friends since Pre-K over for Saturday night and L2 had also made plans with a friend of hers to go skating. I was so upset we missed my little mans party but they both had a great weekend. I think they needed it. They were worn out afterward though. 

I got a ton of stuff done over the weekend too. The bestie came over and we cleaned everything. The amount of things we've received, including boxes of cards and letters, is unbelievable. All of it was in my dining room. I needed it gone. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so the whole crew got together and moved it. It was hard but the next morning when I walked in my dining room it didn't feel like a death room anymore. That might sound harsh but it was depressing. At least now I can breathe. I'll go through it all again later when I can. I also got my a/c for my office installed. Thank god for good friends. 

We had a mini craft night and dinner with friends that night too. It was so relaxing and all the baby shower decor we worked on came out great. 

Monday rolled around. Getting up sucked just as bad as Friday. I still don't sleep much so I was so tired when I got up. L1 was late by 2 minutes. We knew it would take some time to work out their morning schedule. It was so frustrating, but they didn't count him tardy since it was the 2nd day. I went home and sat in the clean house for about an hour while I cried over nothing. When I say nothing what I really mean is I cried over everything possible.  Then I went back to bed. The whole day wasn't awful. I got up, did some things around the house, and waited for the kids. They were so excited to tell me about their days which were both great apparently. L1's anxiety was down a ton. I could see it and it made me feel much better. The next day L2 was late. Another fail on the morning schedule. Since she was going to be late either way we hit a drive thru and got breakfast. It was nice. They both had great days again. I also got some pics of the wedding they were in. They're beautiful.

Yesterday had me questioning myself. Am I getting depressed? Why am I back to crying every single day? I've gotten at least one migraine (a real one, not a bad headache) a week for a month now. I've thought it through and am convinced it isn't depression. Getting back into a routine really makes you see the changes. Summer is always a little hectic but school isn't. Not to mention the pure amount of stress that was removed in the past week (death room, first day of school). I think it has all just come to a head and my hormones and emotions are trying to balance out. The perks of this day were nobody was late to school (Hallelujah!) and L1 was excited about pulling a tooth.  

Today is just a blah day. I did manage to get a pic with L1 on the way to school. I finished up filling out all the school paperwork that was supposed to have been in Monday. The paperwork had crossed my mind but I ignored it. Having to fill it out with nobody to list on it but me was hard. So hard. I'd fill out a piece and cry some. I will say this: My face is smooth this week. I have cried and wiped it so much there is no dead skin anywhere. Silver lining folks. That's all I can say. I'm hoping next week is better than this week. I need these emotions to flatline because they're killing me. 

I am grateful for every single person that reads this blog and thinks of us. People offer up prayers, words of hope, and the best: their stories. People who have read something I've written and felt moved enough by it to share their story with me. The amount of grief I've come to realize is out there is far surpassed by the sheer amount of strength I see in the people who deal with it and fight it every day. I just want to say it really does mean something.

Last week's post and next week's post are linked below.

Week 13
Week 15

Week 8: Taking Care of Business

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This week started off with Little #1 getting home from church camp. By Friday I was so ready to see him. I know he had fun but he also had some hard times I couldn't be there for and I hate that for him. I had a nice surprise waiting when he got home. We went together and got a cell phone for him. He had no idea why we were there until we were leaving and I handed him his new phone. He hugged me and the customer service person remarked how he'd never seen a child hug a parent for getting them a phone. I guess most feel entitled so it was a nice compliment for me. L#1 just told him how much he loves his mama and that he hugs me all the time. ☺️ We stopped by a couple more places, went home, and did nothing together. It was great. 

Saturday we went to lunch and a movie. I got outvoted so we saw Independence Day 2 instead of Finding Dory. It turned out to be really good so it was fine. Went home after and just hung out. Nice, relaxing day.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Monday was another counseling appointment for L#1. It went very well. He's starting to open up some. It was his hardest session yet. His emotions were still a little raw from camp. He did take the therapists advice and cut back on the video games on his own which was very nice. I was dreading having to cut him back even though I knew it needed to be done. He had a checkup with his doctor Monday afternoon. Everything was fine and he was excited about seeing his doctor so it worked out great. We went out to eat with our best friends and their kids that evening then hung out at the house so the boys could see each other. Good ending to the night for him. 

Tuesday I had a meeting with a lawyer. Please make sure you get a Will done if you don't already have one. Dealing with stuff on my end shouldn't be too difficult but it would be much simpler with a will. I didn't want to but I've learned it's best right now to have a lawyer. There is so much paperwork that even though that's my actual job, I just can't get through it all. 

Wednesday was fairly uneventful. Went to lunch with L#1 and shopped with a friend to help her find some stuff for her new job. Came home, laid around, and went to bed. Another nice relaxing day. 

Today I went to a bench dedication. The vet office that handles all of the K-9's for our Sheriff's Office dedicated a bench and put a very nice plaque out beside it in TJ's memory. It's beautiful and such a sweet gesture of remembrance. It was a little emotional. I held it together until I got home. I hibernated in my room for about an hour and then I was done. Pick it up and move it along. 

A man also handmade a model car to match our cruisers and had custom decals made for it. You can see more of his work here. It's beautiful. Just more things people have amazed me by doing. Some of the things are so considerate and thoughtful it's unreal.

You can probably tell a lot of the excitement has died down. We are in the new normal rut right now. We're basically going through the motions from day to day. I'm glad they're getting plenty of time to adjust during the summer instead of having to deal with school but it's also very unstructured. We just hang out a lot of days and wait on the next day to get here. I think that'll change some when school starts back. I think school is going to have an entirely different set of issues this year. I guess we'll find out. It is what it is. 

If you would like to read more please click below.

Week 7

Week 9

Week 5: After the Break

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This last week has been a blur. It was so busy compared to the last month. I had to go shopping again. It was awful. Nothing fits. For all the people that constantly tell me they wish they were my size, I've got a diet plan that works right now but I wouldn't recommend it. I hate having to spend money on clothes but mine are literally falling off. I got dressed almost every day. The difference just getting dressed makes is unbelievable. I even put on eyeliner and mascara once. And yes, I know my pants have a hole or two. They're comfortable that way. 

My mom came to visit and I got her to myself the whole weekend since the kids were gone. It never happens anymore and I loved it. We hung out with each other, some friends, and some family. It was great. I don't know what I'd do without her some days. As a person I'm a little odd but she always tries to understand me and she doesn't judge me. She has had my back even when I was dead wrong. And man does she love TJ.

We enjoyed our family dinner with my favorite people too. Even had a photo session. 

I haven't been back to church. I need to but right now crowds just don't work for me. I have been reading a daily devotional some thoughtful anonymous person sent me. I love it. It is specifically for grief and has helped calm my mind more than once. I've also been getting specifics down for a foundation to help officers left behind after a tragedy by working with an officer from around here. Busy all the time is good for me. I know some people don't like it but it's just what I need most days.

The kids got home Tuesday. I don't know if I've ever been as happy to see them as I was when they got home this time. I missed them so much. They had a great time with their grandparents but they were happy to be home too. My Little B lost her first tooth. It literally fell out. I've been trying to pull it for weeks but she wouldn't let me.

We had a family therapy session the afternoon they got home. It went well. It was difficult but needed and I do think it's helping my son. They don't normally get a ton of television or video game time but it's been raining a lot and school is out so they've gotten more than normal. He admitted he's been playing so much because he can zone out and not think about what is really going on. This is good at times but bad as well because he's not letting himself process his emotions. At some point they just wind up boiling over. I just can't imagine having to process what he's processing at his age but he is managing like a champ. 

I went to the grocery store alone for the first time as well Tuesday. It sucked so bad. I haven't done that in years. I missed him shopping by color and throwing at least 5 useless things in with the stuff we needed. I hated having to not buy the things only he ate. I could've bought them anyway but it would've been a waste so I didn't. I'm so glad logic usually wins with me. Not being overly emotional has been the best thing I could have asked for over the last five weeks.

I also had some great help this week. A friend has helped me with all the guy stuff. Changing light bulbs, taking care of the animals, cleaning out the freezers... The list never ends and some of it I just can't do by myself. It's nice to not have to do it all alone. I haven't moved any of TJs stuff this week. I did pay bills. I've got to get a new vehicle. Mine is the same one I've had since I was 17 and both of ours have 200K+ miles on them. We were already looking for something so I plan on staying with our original idea. I'm sure plenty of people will have something to say about it but I don't care anymore. We had the money for it and I'm doing it. Everyone worries because mine are old and it is different knowing if something happens he won't be with us to help fix it. It sucks thinking about what other people will say. That's not something I normally do and I hate it. People say stuff either way though so I may as well do what I need to. I still don't really care what people think about me unless it has to do with how I felt about him. I loved him with every fiber I had to love a person with and people belittling decisions or thinking I'm not handling things correctly just infuriates me.

Today is a cleaning day. The house is finally returning to some type of order. At least one kids room has been completely cleaned out. One left to go. I've been debating on moving some of his stuff around in the closet. Haven't done it yet, but honestly it doesn't make sense to leave all his stuff where it is when half of mine could go there and be way easier for me. Whether it makes sense or not, his stuff is still there. Just can't move it yet. I'm not trying to move on from him but the practical side of my brain knows I should do what is most beneficial for myself. We'll see. Everything's different. It is what it is.


If you would like to read more, please click below.

Week 4
Week 6

Week 3: A New Normal

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Week 3 is over as of today. I have to say, this has been the worst week so far. There are numerous reasons. Friday was the commitment hearing for the person who hit him. I avoided it completely. The ADA called me as soon as it was over and let me know what happened. The man did not get bond which was expected. Honestly, as much as I hate him, I have passed the "I want him to die" stage and have made it to the "I really hate that even more lives are ruined because of his actions" stage. He has a family. A mother. Friends. Someone else has lost someone they care about too and I hate that for them. If all I can be is vengeful and all I can think about is revenge I will  turn into a person TJ would hate and I do not ever want that to happen.

My mom came down to be with me for the hearing. We managed to go to the bank where the song we danced to at our wedding renewal 6 1/2 months ago came on. I cried in the bank. Just cried. No breakdown. Mostly because it's such a happy memory.

My mom took me to get our nails done. Seemed pointless but felt great. Nobody there knew who I was so I had a public hour without hearing "I'm so sorry," followed by, "What exactly happened?" Just so you know, whether you know a person or not (and *especially* if not because then you are flat out being nosy - good time to learn how to use Google and how to mind your own business) asking them to explain to you exactly how a person close to them was killed is not a good thing to do. EVER. Our son had a lock-in at school he went to from 3:30-8:00 and then a church lock-in after. We picked him up from school and dropped him off at church then had Mexican. First time I had gone to  one of "our spots" without him. Since my mom was with me it was okay. We stayed up all night talking and passed out.

Saturday Mom helped me clean off his dresser. I couldn't do it but there were some things I needed to find that were there. She also emptied my bathroom trash can. Sounds silly, but all of his cigar trash was in it and I couldn't do it. I had tried at least 3 times already and walked away every time. I got everything out of his car put up as well. It was in the floor and on my dresser so it had to be done. We also got Bojar (Boy-er) brushed and his anxiety is doing much better thankfully.

Sunday was hard. It was the first time I've gone to church. I dreaded it all day. I'm glad I went but I've never gone without him so it was one of the hardest firsts I've had. I meant to take his Bible which was in his car with him when he got hit but I was so frazzled I forgot it. I wound up not needing it. I know church is where I need to be but right now I talk to God from home mostly. Sometimes it gets loud.

Monday was uneventful except for the drive to counseling. 3 of our songs came on in a row. Wildest Dreams, You Are Not Alone, and Shake It Off. He loved Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift and wasn't ashamed at all. Coincidentally, those same 3 songs played Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I haven't heard the MJ song on the radio since right after he passed. It was definitely a little odd and comforting.

This song was played at our sons awards ceremony Tuesday and it has been stuck in my head ever since. I feel exactly like the song. No explanation needed. It was the longest day I've had so far. I basically cried all day. It's difficult to be happy and sad all at once but I'm becoming a pro. The first big thing he missed. As you can see below, he was still well represented. These people have been there every minute we've needed them and I couldn't be more thankful. Our son had a rough day and a meltdown in the evening. The first really big one he's had. We worked through it together. He felt better after than he did before. He's holding a lot of things in so that I don't get upset.

Wednesday the kids decided they didn't want to go to school. Tuesday was such a long day for them that they were still exhausted so we just hung around the house and didn't do much of anything. We had some company come by, played video games, and napped. We tried to recuperate from Tuesday basically. They did go to their last day of school today and had a good time. They needed it and I needed it for them. I need to see my kids be happy sometimes, especially when they pointed out earlier this week that nobody laughs as much anymore around here. They pick up on everything.

Overall this week just sucked. We're trying to settle in and find a new normal but it isn't very easy. It all happened at a time that came with a lot of changes anyway. The end of school, summer coming... So much happening all at once. One day at a time is what I tell myself over and over. It can't be changed. It is what it is.

If you would like to read more, previous and next posts are linked below.

Week 2
Week 4

Week 2: Still the beginning...

Here we are another week down. Week 2 was not any easier than Week 1 but it was different. I had some great conversations with some people that really do understand exactly what I'm going through and they made all the difference. Don't be afraid to reach out. People that you don't even know can be more of a help than anyone if they have been through the same thing. I also had some people do things for me that were unexpected but very welcome and made me feel just a little bit better about the world at a time when I just want to hate it. Someone came and sprayed our yard for bugs, one of the departments handled yard care for a year, our K9 guys have been out constantly to check on things. It has been amazing and overwhelming how people have just done what they can for us. I have learned to let people help and to accept that help graciously. It's a lesson I had never learned before now. We were always doing the helping, not being helped.

I can understand how situations like this turn into  lifelong addictions for people. I cannot count how many people have said something like, "If you can't sleep, just have a glass of wine," or, "Just take this pill, it will help." They are probably right but I'm afraid to start that. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. I tried to get dressed because I was taking my kids by their school so they could visit. I wound up putting on a t-shirt that was his because anything that looked cute seemed wrong. No good reason why at all. The kids decided I didn't need to stay with them so I went to a lady I've been using for a while that does medical massage. On top of everything, I could barely move because dehydration, stress, and anxiety have made my muscles one gigantic knot. It was a huge help going and I have another appointment tomorrow. As soon as I got back my son was all over me telling me he wished he hadn't told me to leave. He is so concerned for me. He told me I needed a "guy roommate" because he didn't want me to have to do everything by myself, including just watching grown-up movies he's not old enough for. He's 11. I hate him thinking about things like that. When did he get so grown and so much like his dad?

When we got home from  the school I realized none of us had eaten. On top of that, I realized none of us were even hungry. Appetites haven't been huge around here lately. I did manage to make tea. That doesn't sound like much but it's the first thing I've had to do alone for us. Everyone has been here and been so helpful I haven't had to do anything. My dad came to visit for the weekend. He grilled steaks and corn and baked potatoes Friday night and steamed crayfish Saturday night. Just something different. We got the house and yard picked up from so many people being here. I had a moment when he cranked the lawnmower. Nobody has ever cut grass here other than TJ and when I heard it start I just broke down for about 10 minutes. I let myself have my moment then I got up and kept going. It would've been very easy to just stay in the floor with his shirt but I chose not to. Since we got everything picked up and kind of back on a schedule Bojar (Boy-er), our K9, got to come home Monday afternoon. He's very anxious but we're all working through issues and he's no different than us.

I rinsed out his sink in the bathroom. It had toothpaste in it and hair from where he had shaved. I cried the entire time. It felt like I was removing part of him. If he was alive I would've picked at him about not doing it but as annoying as it was I miss it already. His clothes are still in the floor. I can't move them. I assume I will at some point but I can't be sure. His towel is still hanging on the towel rod. I used it once. Almost. When I got out of the tub I just fell in the floor and cried into it because he would never be using it again. Then I got up, dusted myself off, read the notes he left me on the bathroom mirror, and felt better remembering at least he was able to use it when he did.

I have been using my diffuser religiously at night. Lavender and cedarwood are such a great sleep combination. Cedarwood helps reset your short term memory which is great for combating bad dreams. I don't sell oils or anything like that. No sales pitch here. Just good advice for anyone. My children ask for it now since they've started sleeping with me. This week was full of way more breakdowns and breakthroughs than I expected. I washed clothes. The only thing of his in it was a pair of underwear. I cried some more realizing I would never be washing his clothes again. My laundry is cut in half and I'm sad about it. How does that happen? haha. 

So, about the interesting "roommate" conversation with my son this week. He told me I needed to get a "guy roommate". My immediate response was, "There is no way I'm ready for a boyfriend!" He told me that he didn't mean a boyfriend, he literally meant a male roommate because he didn't want me doing everything and having to do things alone. "Mom, you need somebody to help. And maybe watch grown up movies with you. I can't because I'm not old enough but you need somebody to." First of all, excuse me child? You're 11. Stop being 30. Second of all, I know he's right and the thought hurts me to my soul. I can't be alone forever. It doesn't even make sense. The issue is I cannot imagine moving on with another person. Honestly, just the thought makes me physically hurt. 

I spoke with a lady that lives close who lost her husband in an accident a while back. Her call just gave me a peace I didn't know I needed. She could tell me what I felt without me having to say it. It's amazing how complete strangers just get it. The kids went to church and one of my K9 guys offered to drive me to the pet store an hour away so I didn't have to deal  with people stopping me every 5 minutes to talk. We had dinner (as friends obviously but you know how people are so I'm clarifying) and laughed and I managed not to feel guilty. I don't know how. I even straightened my hair. First time it had been brushed in over a week. 

The kids and I also spent our first night alone this week. My Facebook post on that was this: "The kids and I are spending our first night alone, accompanied only by a lot of firepower. Lol. We're all in bed watching a cartoon that we watched with Dad not too long ago. We miss T.J. so much but it helps to talk and laugh about him. None of us think he was perfect but we even miss the bad things (like when he was grumpy according to Bacon - haha) bc they were part of who he was. 10 days ago I thought I wouldn't make it another day, yet here I am making it. We all are. He always had a way of making us happy even when things were awful. It's a quality not everyone has. I can't imagine ever loving another person like I love him. He's the person in my life I would literally give my own life for, except he gave his for us instead. We have so many good memories but the last 6 months when he cut out all his extra stuff and was at home all the time are the best memories I'll ever have. Our entire family dynamic changed. I truly believe God knew this was coming and made sure we were able to have a ton of amazing memories before he took him. I will be forever grateful for that instead of being angry he took him and it helps me sleep peacefully and not be bitter. We will see him again one day and hopefully I get to tell him about our next 50 years as a family."

I did go to a Memorial Luncheon thrown by another fallen officer's family this week. We lost him almost 2 years ago. It's really the only thing I've gone to and I only went because of who was throwing it. I knew it would do them good to  see me and I hoped it would do me some good to see them. I was right. It really did. It was the day after I had a very profound experience and I was so at peace during the entire thing. I realize people will wonder what the experience was so I will tell you. Believe it or not. Doesn't matter to me. I was having a hard time falling asleep for the first time. I'm so exhausted by the time we get to bed I've been passing out quickly, but for some reason I couldn't. I sleep with his shirt and somehow when I rolled over it came out of my hand. I reached over and grabbed it and when I did I felt his entire body weight cuddle me. I've imagined him laying there. This was not that. This felt REAL. Like he was right there. I saw his face as clear as if he was sitting in front of me and he said, "Wife, just go to sleep." I was asleep within 10 seconds. I have never felt anything like it before and haven't since but I hope I do. It was amazing. I've had a peace ever since that I didn't even know I was missing.

I have had so many conflicting feelings this week. A ton of laughs. A few breakdowns. A cryfest here and there. Experiences I didn't even know could happen. A couple of "normal" evenings. One day at a time. As always, it is what it is.

If you would like to read more posts,  please click below.

Week 1
Week 3

It's been a while....

I was just on Pinterest for a minute or two (or 60), and saw a few times where my 'What It's Like to Love a LEO' post had been shared and pinned numerous times. The descriptions were amazing. People I didn't know saying thank you to me (who they didn't know) for writing something they could 100% relate to. Ladies, I'm here to tell you that post is still completely relevant to me too. Especially with all the happenings going on lately. It has just been one struggle after another. 

Seeing my post pinned over and over also made me realize how much I missed blogging. I know it's useless, but it gives me a way to interact with people who understand whether I know them or not. I have been so busy lately I let the things that I do just for me slide. WHY??? I need that now more than ever. My personal LEO has been gone this week. It has been difficult. He is handling something with K-9 so he's hours away and I'm here, being Mom and Dad. And the maid. And the cook. And the disciplinarian. And the zookeeper. I won't keep going, even though I could. 

Anyway, my week. Let's recap: Monday Copper left. No big deal. He was here until lunch. About the time he left our 7 yr old pit bull got sick. From everywhere. It lasted all night. I'm not sure if I felt worse for him or me. Oh, me definitely because by that night I was sick too. Up until 4:30 am the. Took the littles to school.l and thankfully it was uneventful, so Tuesday was okay, just a loooong day. Had to work on some vinyl stuff, normal job, etc. But then Wednesday came and it brought an entirely different meaning of hell with it. Got the kids up and dressed. Little says she doesn't feel good and won't eat breakfast so she lays on the couch and wraps up in a comforter. I take Big to school bc it's not even 5 minutes away. Left her with the phone and locked her in. Get back and walked over to check for fever. At this moment she sits up and literally throws up onto my feet. I'm talking about in between my toes folks. This went on all day. Port thing. Oh, remember how the dog was sick Monday? It lasted through Tuesday morning but that was it. Until the minute I had the slime between my toes. What do I hear happening in the other room? I won't tell you. Let's just say it was worse - yes, WORSE - than the toe slime. This also went on all day. I was so glad for it to end. 

So, here I am on Thursday. I'm taking care of the farm plus doing the 2 jobs and I get a call from Big's teacher letting me know he painted a kid one day this week (how in the hell did that even happen and how come I'm only finding out now) and has been turning in no homework. Awesome. He is so smart but he despises homework. Makes both of our lives difficult. Deal with that, and not very well I hate to admit. I'm stressed and still not over being sick so I had a moment. Whatever. It happens. 

I would like to give a HUGE shoutout to the single parents. It is so hard. I do spend a lot of time alone but it feels different when you know that eventually they'll be home. Might be after a 20 hour shift but they will be. Knowing my backup is hours away sucks. You people that do this all the time as single parents are amazing and have my full respect. 

The kicker? He's gone next week too. Send prayers. :/

Thanks for listening to my rant. Feel free to share your horror stories with me. We can vent and rant together as only

our community can. Blue Family is the best family. 💙💙💙