Week 8: Taking Care of Business

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This week started off with Little #1 getting home from church camp. By Friday I was so ready to see him. I know he had fun but he also had some hard times I couldn't be there for and I hate that for him. I had a nice surprise waiting when he got home. We went together and got a cell phone for him. He had no idea why we were there until we were leaving and I handed him his new phone. He hugged me and the customer service person remarked how he'd never seen a child hug a parent for getting them a phone. I guess most feel entitled so it was a nice compliment for me. L#1 just told him how much he loves his mama and that he hugs me all the time. ☺️ We stopped by a couple more places, went home, and did nothing together. It was great. 

Saturday we went to lunch and a movie. I got outvoted so we saw Independence Day 2 instead of Finding Dory. It turned out to be really good so it was fine. Went home after and just hung out. Nice, relaxing day.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Monday was another counseling appointment for L#1. It went very well. He's starting to open up some. It was his hardest session yet. His emotions were still a little raw from camp. He did take the therapists advice and cut back on the video games on his own which was very nice. I was dreading having to cut him back even though I knew it needed to be done. He had a checkup with his doctor Monday afternoon. Everything was fine and he was excited about seeing his doctor so it worked out great. We went out to eat with our best friends and their kids that evening then hung out at the house so the boys could see each other. Good ending to the night for him. 

Tuesday I had a meeting with a lawyer. Please make sure you get a Will done if you don't already have one. Dealing with stuff on my end shouldn't be too difficult but it would be much simpler with a will. I didn't want to but I've learned it's best right now to have a lawyer. There is so much paperwork that even though that's my actual job, I just can't get through it all. 

Wednesday was fairly uneventful. Went to lunch with L#1 and shopped with a friend to help her find some stuff for her new job. Came home, laid around, and went to bed. Another nice relaxing day. 

Today I went to a bench dedication. The vet office that handles all of the K-9's for our Sheriff's Office dedicated a bench and put a very nice plaque out beside it in TJ's memory. It's beautiful and such a sweet gesture of remembrance. It was a little emotional. I held it together until I got home. I hibernated in my room for about an hour and then I was done. Pick it up and move it along. 

A man also handmade a model car to match our cruisers and had custom decals made for it. You can see more of his work here. It's beautiful. Just more things people have amazed me by doing. Some of the things are so considerate and thoughtful it's unreal.

You can probably tell a lot of the excitement has died down. We are in the new normal rut right now. We're basically going through the motions from day to day. I'm glad they're getting plenty of time to adjust during the summer instead of having to deal with school but it's also very unstructured. We just hang out a lot of days and wait on the next day to get here. I think that'll change some when school starts back. I think school is going to have an entirely different set of issues this year. I guess we'll find out. It is what it is. 

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Week 7

Week 9

Week 6: A Huge Thank You

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My posts have been a little negative lately. My life has been a little negative so I guess that's to be expected, but I thought I'd use this week to be a little more positive. I'll get to that. 😀

The only major milestone this week was that our closest friends and I went to our "spot". We hung out with the kids all day before that trip. It was a little hard being there without him but when you have amazing friends it makes it so much easier. My best friends birthday was this week so we celebrated that too. My best friend just happens to be one of his best friends and her husband is his very best friend so it makes things extra hard for us to get through things sometimes but we manage. 

She was not happy about the candles but I didn't care. I did make her favorite chocolate chocolate chip sour cream cupcakes and cream cheese icing so it was fine because she was not getting one without candles in it. And really, isn't she beautiful? Her hair makes me want to rip it out and glue it on my head. 😒

I'm not feeling super wordy today so I thought it would be nice to share some pictures of some of the amazing things the kids and I have received since the wreck. A lot of these came from civilians who just want officers and their families to know they care which has restored some of my faith in humanity. People can be really great when they want. Most of these are posted on my Instagram so if you've seen them already I'm sorry! I just want to make sure everyone can see them. Maybe some of the people who have sent these in will see this one day and know how thankful I have been for their support. 

This is nowhere near all of the stuff. I will add some of the things to later posts so we can all get some periodic reminding of how the entire world isn't against even when it feels like it is. I've had people do so many generous things free of charge as well like spray for bugs outside to help the kids, mount some animals from his hunting trip, do massages, bring food, donate a gun to a raffle, etc. I could go on and on. At some point I am going to make a post and name these people and businesses by name so they get some recognition for supporting a sometimes thankless profession. 

I have still had some moments this week. I think I had my angriest day so far this week. It's the first time I've really been furious in weeks. It was over something I can't change so it's not worth mentioning but it still kind of sucked. The clothes are still in the bathroom floor. I knew they wouldn't be moved yet. I did get a ton of things I've been putting off done this week. Truck went to the shop, visited some places I needed to, went by his office and picked up the rest of his stuff... I'm exhausted at this point. I had to get all this done so it was worth it but I need some good sleep right now. Hopefully I get it. I'll be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel. I'm sorry. I'm such a nerd. It is what it is. 😁

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Week 5

Week 7

Week 5: After the Break

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This last week has been a blur. It was so busy compared to the last month. I had to go shopping again. It was awful. Nothing fits. For all the people that constantly tell me they wish they were my size, I've got a diet plan that works right now but I wouldn't recommend it. I hate having to spend money on clothes but mine are literally falling off. I got dressed almost every day. The difference just getting dressed makes is unbelievable. I even put on eyeliner and mascara once. And yes, I know my pants have a hole or two. They're comfortable that way. 

My mom came to visit and I got her to myself the whole weekend since the kids were gone. It never happens anymore and I loved it. We hung out with each other, some friends, and some family. It was great. I don't know what I'd do without her some days. As a person I'm a little odd but she always tries to understand me and she doesn't judge me. She has had my back even when I was dead wrong. And man does she love TJ.

We enjoyed our family dinner with my favorite people too. Even had a photo session. 

I haven't been back to church. I need to but right now crowds just don't work for me. I have been reading a daily devotional some thoughtful anonymous person sent me. I love it. It is specifically for grief and has helped calm my mind more than once. I've also been getting specifics down for a foundation to help officers left behind after a tragedy by working with an officer from around here. Busy all the time is good for me. I know some people don't like it but it's just what I need most days.

The kids got home Tuesday. I don't know if I've ever been as happy to see them as I was when they got home this time. I missed them so much. They had a great time with their grandparents but they were happy to be home too. My Little B lost her first tooth. It literally fell out. I've been trying to pull it for weeks but she wouldn't let me.

We had a family therapy session the afternoon they got home. It went well. It was difficult but needed and I do think it's helping my son. They don't normally get a ton of television or video game time but it's been raining a lot and school is out so they've gotten more than normal. He admitted he's been playing so much because he can zone out and not think about what is really going on. This is good at times but bad as well because he's not letting himself process his emotions. At some point they just wind up boiling over. I just can't imagine having to process what he's processing at his age but he is managing like a champ. 

I went to the grocery store alone for the first time as well Tuesday. It sucked so bad. I haven't done that in years. I missed him shopping by color and throwing at least 5 useless things in with the stuff we needed. I hated having to not buy the things only he ate. I could've bought them anyway but it would've been a waste so I didn't. I'm so glad logic usually wins with me. Not being overly emotional has been the best thing I could have asked for over the last five weeks.

I also had some great help this week. A friend has helped me with all the guy stuff. Changing light bulbs, taking care of the animals, cleaning out the freezers... The list never ends and some of it I just can't do by myself. It's nice to not have to do it all alone. I haven't moved any of TJs stuff this week. I did pay bills. I've got to get a new vehicle. Mine is the same one I've had since I was 17 and both of ours have 200K+ miles on them. We were already looking for something so I plan on staying with our original idea. I'm sure plenty of people will have something to say about it but I don't care anymore. We had the money for it and I'm doing it. Everyone worries because mine are old and it is different knowing if something happens he won't be with us to help fix it. It sucks thinking about what other people will say. That's not something I normally do and I hate it. People say stuff either way though so I may as well do what I need to. I still don't really care what people think about me unless it has to do with how I felt about him. I loved him with every fiber I had to love a person with and people belittling decisions or thinking I'm not handling things correctly just infuriates me.

Today is a cleaning day. The house is finally returning to some type of order. At least one kids room has been completely cleaned out. One left to go. I've been debating on moving some of his stuff around in the closet. Haven't done it yet, but honestly it doesn't make sense to leave all his stuff where it is when half of mine could go there and be way easier for me. Whether it makes sense or not, his stuff is still there. Just can't move it yet. I'm not trying to move on from him but the practical side of my brain knows I should do what is most beneficial for myself. We'll see. Everything's different. It is what it is.


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Week 4
Week 6

Week 4: Alone at Last

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This past week has been especially full of firsts. The kids went to the beach with their grandmother so it was my first time at home without them. In turn, I also had my first night at home without anyone. It was difficult. It was actually more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I was ready for some alone time and when I got it I just wanted to send it back. 

I had a few moments where I just didn't know what to do with myself. I cleaned up some which needed to be done. I've put it off because it just reminds me I'm now doing it all by myself. I'm not used to it and it is a harsh reminder of what is gone. I got my bathroom clean. His clothes are still in the floor. At some point I know I'll move them but it hasn't happened yet and it probably won't happen soon. I know those clothes are going to be the last thing. I just feel it. That's okay. I'm letting them stay and if people think I'm being ridiculous they can walk on by. 

I managed to get dressed twice this week. Went to a movie with a buddy and saw Alice In Wonderland. Loved it. I didn't realize until the kids had been gone a day or so that I needed them to be gone. I've focused solely on them and it has not been the best thing to do. It has been great for them but not for me. Thankfully I've got friends that have made sure I'm eating and sleeping and all the other necessary things people have to do to survive. I can never thank those people enough. 

My dad came back to visit so me, him, and a friend ran errands Saturday. Door needed fixing, dogs needed bathing, etc. Just did all the stuff I needed help with basically. I managed to relax with the kids gone. My son got his first fishhook and tetanus shot while he was gone. He's excited about his battle scar. 😄 I'm so glad they had a good time. I wasn't sure he was going to go until they actually left. He was so concerned with leaving me. He just proves to me how big he's getting every single day. It scares me to death and makes me more proud than I ever thought I could be. Geez. I just love those kids so much. He has taken care of me while my youngest has tried to keep me distracted. There is not one doubt in my mind that I would not be here to write this if I did not have them. 

I did some shopping and went to lunch with some friends one day. I had to shop because twice my pants have literally fallen off. No bras, pants, shorts, or anything else for that matter fits now. I literally had no choice. It was nice to get out and do something for me. I was a little surprised by that honestly. This week has been full of surprises. I learned I was "dating". Seriously? It hasn't even been a month. I also learned that it is apparently just fine for me to call my married guy friends if I need something but to call a single guy friend that can help without taking time away from his family and responsibilities means I must be dating him or he must be at least trying. 😂 At this point in my life I honestly don't know what is wrong with people. 

So this week was way better than last week. Last week was the absolute worst. It just sucked. Now it's time to start being whatever normal is again. It's at least time to figure out what normal is somewhat. Life, man. Life. Ugh. It just is what it is. 

Note: This didn't publish correctly for some reason to begin with. Sorry!

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Week 3
Week 5

Week 2: Still the beginning...

Here we are another week down. Week 2 was not any easier than Week 1 but it was different. I had some great conversations with some people that really do understand exactly what I'm going through and they made all the difference. Don't be afraid to reach out. People that you don't even know can be more of a help than anyone if they have been through the same thing. I also had some people do things for me that were unexpected but very welcome and made me feel just a little bit better about the world at a time when I just want to hate it. Someone came and sprayed our yard for bugs, one of the departments handled yard care for a year, our K9 guys have been out constantly to check on things. It has been amazing and overwhelming how people have just done what they can for us. I have learned to let people help and to accept that help graciously. It's a lesson I had never learned before now. We were always doing the helping, not being helped.

I can understand how situations like this turn into  lifelong addictions for people. I cannot count how many people have said something like, "If you can't sleep, just have a glass of wine," or, "Just take this pill, it will help." They are probably right but I'm afraid to start that. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. I tried to get dressed because I was taking my kids by their school so they could visit. I wound up putting on a t-shirt that was his because anything that looked cute seemed wrong. No good reason why at all. The kids decided I didn't need to stay with them so I went to a lady I've been using for a while that does medical massage. On top of everything, I could barely move because dehydration, stress, and anxiety have made my muscles one gigantic knot. It was a huge help going and I have another appointment tomorrow. As soon as I got back my son was all over me telling me he wished he hadn't told me to leave. He is so concerned for me. He told me I needed a "guy roommate" because he didn't want me to have to do everything by myself, including just watching grown-up movies he's not old enough for. He's 11. I hate him thinking about things like that. When did he get so grown and so much like his dad?

When we got home from  the school I realized none of us had eaten. On top of that, I realized none of us were even hungry. Appetites haven't been huge around here lately. I did manage to make tea. That doesn't sound like much but it's the first thing I've had to do alone for us. Everyone has been here and been so helpful I haven't had to do anything. My dad came to visit for the weekend. He grilled steaks and corn and baked potatoes Friday night and steamed crayfish Saturday night. Just something different. We got the house and yard picked up from so many people being here. I had a moment when he cranked the lawnmower. Nobody has ever cut grass here other than TJ and when I heard it start I just broke down for about 10 minutes. I let myself have my moment then I got up and kept going. It would've been very easy to just stay in the floor with his shirt but I chose not to. Since we got everything picked up and kind of back on a schedule Bojar (Boy-er), our K9, got to come home Monday afternoon. He's very anxious but we're all working through issues and he's no different than us.

I rinsed out his sink in the bathroom. It had toothpaste in it and hair from where he had shaved. I cried the entire time. It felt like I was removing part of him. If he was alive I would've picked at him about not doing it but as annoying as it was I miss it already. His clothes are still in the floor. I can't move them. I assume I will at some point but I can't be sure. His towel is still hanging on the towel rod. I used it once. Almost. When I got out of the tub I just fell in the floor and cried into it because he would never be using it again. Then I got up, dusted myself off, read the notes he left me on the bathroom mirror, and felt better remembering at least he was able to use it when he did.

I have been using my diffuser religiously at night. Lavender and cedarwood are such a great sleep combination. Cedarwood helps reset your short term memory which is great for combating bad dreams. I don't sell oils or anything like that. No sales pitch here. Just good advice for anyone. My children ask for it now since they've started sleeping with me. This week was full of way more breakdowns and breakthroughs than I expected. I washed clothes. The only thing of his in it was a pair of underwear. I cried some more realizing I would never be washing his clothes again. My laundry is cut in half and I'm sad about it. How does that happen? haha. 

So, about the interesting "roommate" conversation with my son this week. He told me I needed to get a "guy roommate". My immediate response was, "There is no way I'm ready for a boyfriend!" He told me that he didn't mean a boyfriend, he literally meant a male roommate because he didn't want me doing everything and having to do things alone. "Mom, you need somebody to help. And maybe watch grown up movies with you. I can't because I'm not old enough but you need somebody to." First of all, excuse me child? You're 11. Stop being 30. Second of all, I know he's right and the thought hurts me to my soul. I can't be alone forever. It doesn't even make sense. The issue is I cannot imagine moving on with another person. Honestly, just the thought makes me physically hurt. 

I spoke with a lady that lives close who lost her husband in an accident a while back. Her call just gave me a peace I didn't know I needed. She could tell me what I felt without me having to say it. It's amazing how complete strangers just get it. The kids went to church and one of my K9 guys offered to drive me to the pet store an hour away so I didn't have to deal  with people stopping me every 5 minutes to talk. We had dinner (as friends obviously but you know how people are so I'm clarifying) and laughed and I managed not to feel guilty. I don't know how. I even straightened my hair. First time it had been brushed in over a week. 

The kids and I also spent our first night alone this week. My Facebook post on that was this: "The kids and I are spending our first night alone, accompanied only by a lot of firepower. Lol. We're all in bed watching a cartoon that we watched with Dad not too long ago. We miss T.J. so much but it helps to talk and laugh about him. None of us think he was perfect but we even miss the bad things (like when he was grumpy according to Bacon - haha) bc they were part of who he was. 10 days ago I thought I wouldn't make it another day, yet here I am making it. We all are. He always had a way of making us happy even when things were awful. It's a quality not everyone has. I can't imagine ever loving another person like I love him. He's the person in my life I would literally give my own life for, except he gave his for us instead. We have so many good memories but the last 6 months when he cut out all his extra stuff and was at home all the time are the best memories I'll ever have. Our entire family dynamic changed. I truly believe God knew this was coming and made sure we were able to have a ton of amazing memories before he took him. I will be forever grateful for that instead of being angry he took him and it helps me sleep peacefully and not be bitter. We will see him again one day and hopefully I get to tell him about our next 50 years as a family."

I did go to a Memorial Luncheon thrown by another fallen officer's family this week. We lost him almost 2 years ago. It's really the only thing I've gone to and I only went because of who was throwing it. I knew it would do them good to  see me and I hoped it would do me some good to see them. I was right. It really did. It was the day after I had a very profound experience and I was so at peace during the entire thing. I realize people will wonder what the experience was so I will tell you. Believe it or not. Doesn't matter to me. I was having a hard time falling asleep for the first time. I'm so exhausted by the time we get to bed I've been passing out quickly, but for some reason I couldn't. I sleep with his shirt and somehow when I rolled over it came out of my hand. I reached over and grabbed it and when I did I felt his entire body weight cuddle me. I've imagined him laying there. This was not that. This felt REAL. Like he was right there. I saw his face as clear as if he was sitting in front of me and he said, "Wife, just go to sleep." I was asleep within 10 seconds. I have never felt anything like it before and haven't since but I hope I do. It was amazing. I've had a peace ever since that I didn't even know I was missing.

I have had so many conflicting feelings this week. A ton of laughs. A few breakdowns. A cryfest here and there. Experiences I didn't even know could happen. A couple of "normal" evenings. One day at a time. As always, it is what it is.

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Week 1
Week 3

What it's like to love a LEO.

Police Wife. This is a title. It is not a title to be taken lightly, just as Police Officer is not a title to be taken lightly. Even though it is a title that is heavy to carry, it is also one that should be carried proudly. I am proud of my husband and the sacrifices he makes. We are all the same. All of us. All the good police wives. We love our LEO's. We deal with all the crap that comes from their job. I feel very inclined to explain this since lately I have seen way too many girls casually date an officer and then complain about how difficult it is. That is not difficult. You have not earned the right to talk about how difficult it makes your life. I am going to point out some very key differences.

This one was pointed out by a friend and it's a very good example. Saying "Oh no, date night is cancelled" when your boyfriend can't make it to a movie on time is not difficult. Telling your children that you're sorry Daddy won't be home to tuck them in again even though he should've been home hours ago is difficult. Opening presents on Christmas morning without Daddy is difficult. Planning a birthday party around a bad schedule at a bad time just so he can be there and then still having it without him because he got a call out is difficult. Eating dinner as late as possible every night hoping he'll make it home is difficult. School functions, family get togethers, dinners, sleeping... these are all things you learn to do alone and maybe, just maybe, you'll get lucky enough that his schedule makes some time available for something.

We spend a lot of time listening to people talk about how bad LEO's are. We understand that there are some less-than-perfect officers out there. We also know that our husbands ARE NOT those officers. I'm sure you've eaten a bad peanut before, but that doesn't make you think every other peanut in the world is bad so why does this rule apply to LEO's? When you can sit around and talk with your buddies about how sucky officers are you are not invested. When you are invested in your officer, you don't want to hear it. You know when you hear about how an officer was rude on a traffic stop that there's a good chance he was at a call with beaten children right before that. Let's see you act like sunshine and rainbows after you just saw a wife that was beaten to the point they had to go to the hospital. Or had to extract a child from a meth lab. Or watched someone enable an addict by selling them more crack or heroin. Trust me, most people couldn't handle the everyday things officers deal with. Then they come home and guess who they vent to? Us. The wives. They don't give us names or gory details. We get just enough information to understand why they are the way they are tonight. We don't get mad because they may be in a less than pleasant mood. We also don't get mad when we have to take a backseat to our children because those little faces that light up when they see Daddy are his favorite thing to see at the end of the day. We just stand by proudly while he hugs them, glad he made it home to them one more day. We wait our turn, which is usually when he lays on the couch next to us and falls asleep. That is quality time.

When you're a police wife, your day starts when you see your hero getting into a bulletproof vest. Even if you're not home to see this, you know what time it is. That's when your day, no matter what else you have going on, begins. That's when the worry starts. When you have a LEO boyfriend for a week or two you may think it's sexy. It's not. When you have a LEO husband, you don't think about how sexy the uniform is. You think about how easy your life would be if he were getting dressed in anything else. You are not sending your boyfriend out in that uniform. You are sending the love of your life, the father to your children, the person you don't think you can live without, out in it. Not to mention you're sending him out to risk his life for people who for the most part don't appreciate him or even care at all. You think about how that bulletproof vest is hot and miserable for him during the summer but it may be the only thing that brings him home to you one night so you thank God he's hot and sweaty in it. You think about how he carries more than one firearm because he may need extra bullets to stay alive. You can take inventory of his duty belt as well as he can because you truly care about what is in it since those items, from handcuffs to tasers, are what get him home to you. And yes, when you look at him finally all put together you think about how good he looks in that uniform because of the reason he gets in it. Then you wait for hours for the sound of Velcro, because when you hear that you know he made it home one more night.

We are the group of people who are casually grocery shopping with our husbands only to turn around and realize they are nowhere near. We know this means that someone they arrested is nearby and they don't want us to be seen with them. When our husbands don't answer the phone we don't have a mini heart attack because we're jealous, we have one because our worst fears hit the surface. We automatically think they may have gotten shot. Every. Single. Time. We know that when we walk in a restaurant and sit down, we will have our back to the door because they have to observe what is happening and map exits. When we hear a "brother in blue" has been killed, we all mourn because it is a fear all too real for us. We respect firefighters, paramedics, and their wives because we know how their schedules can be and how dangerous their jobs can be. We also feel for our LEO's because they save just as many lives as those professions but they are hated for it. They are in the only life-saving career that most people hate to admit to. It's much easier to say "He works for the city" than to tell the full truth and listen to the stories people have about how some jerk cop pulled them over for going 30 over the speed limit even though they weren't hurting anyone (yet). We have watched them lose "friends" due to their career choice. We have also watched them gain brothers due to their career choice, just as we have gained sisters.

All of these are big things. There are also things to worry about like wrecks, having to send them out in bad weather when other people are heading in, the girls who see a badge or uniform and feel like they need to mess with them whether they are married or not. Just to clarify, most of us are not concerned that our husbands are going to mess around. Most of us are concerned that our husbands will have to arrest us after we find you and handle you for messing with our men. Relationships are hard on LEO's. Imagine being used to get someone out of a ticket, or hanging out with someone who decides you're not worth it because of your job. You think it's hard to wait tables when you're stressed out? It doesn't compare at all to protecting yourself and others daily in the most violent situations out there while stressed out. So if you're a badge bunny, stop. There are other people in the equation to think about. It's not glamorous being with a LEO. It's hard. Not all of us married LEO's. I didn't. I married a great man who I am so proud of for deciding to be an officer, but we took this journey together. I also know ladies who are not yet married to their officer but they have been together for a while through thick and thin and are not using their badge as a status symbol. One day ladies, you will be one of us. And we will welcome you with open arms. Please don't forget this because you will need all the support you can get at some point and we will be willing to give it.

Police Wife: One of the least gratifying but most important jobs out there. Thanks to all who do it well. Our boys could not make it without our unwavering support and love.

You say goodbye and I say hello.

I was listening to The Beatles on my way to work this morning. Such a great way to start the day. The song Hello Goodbye (one of my favorites) came on. Which made me automatically think about the fact that today is the last day of 2013 even though the song isn't about that. That led to rememberance of the many Facebook statuses I've already seen on the subject. Most are a variance of "new year, new me", "2013 can kiss my ass", "2014 is going to be the BEST EVER!!!!"... yeah, the same ones all of you have seen and possibly posted. The very same ones that I saw last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that...

This is how my 2013 felt. Bright and shiny.

It just seems like everyone is so ready to say Goodbye to 2013 and Hello to 2014. I'm afraid to post a status on Facebook about it because I see a huge backlash coming from it as in I think I'm perfect and better than everyone else. Not that a fear of backlash would stop me from posting it. If I want to I will. I just think it's sad that I have a valid reason to think a happy post would make some people cringe. Well, start cringing because this is why I'm saying Goodbye to 2013 with no hopes of things having to get better, just that they stay the way they are because I'm happy. Happy! People, did ya hear that? Some people in the world are happy! There have been times I haven't been but I am now. And I don't want to feel bad for that.

I'm not perfect. My life is not perfect. I don't want it to sound that way. My husband and I both work very hard for what we have. I'm a great friend. I'm honest. I'm there if you need me. I try to be the best mom I can. I yell. I get angry. I try to be as good of a wife to my husband as he is a husband to me. But even with all the faults I am still happy because I make the best out of it and spend as much time with my family as possible because that is what keeps me going. There are things people can't control but you can control whether or not to be happy with what you have and at the very least make a conscious decision to TRY to make the best of it. I wish you the best of luck on this from the bottom of my heart because everyone deserves to be happy.

This is how my 2013 went. A lot of it in pictures. It started off busy as always after the holidays and the kids being out of school. We started paperwork on selling our house. It took FOREVER. It was also bittersweet. I mean, we were ready for something bigger but still... it was our 1st house.

This was taken while we were buying it.
Goodbye house. :'(

We went to the circus.

I made my 1st cake for Easter.

I felt like this a lot.

Ate some sushi.

I felt like this ALL the time.

Got my hair to do something I wanted it to one time.

Took the hubs out for Father's Day.

I felt like I should since this happens.

Even though that happens I feel this way about him every day.

I made these faces WAY too much.

My baby girl turned 4.

I said things I probably shouldn't.

Got Bacon off to her 1st day of school EVER
 & B to 3rd grade.

Enjoyed our new backyard.

Went and saw some animals.

B joined Cub Scouts.

We went to a fair.

My husband made these faces. A lot.

Took both the kids on a Cub Scout
camping trip.

Dressed up for Halloween.

And had an awesome Christmas with all of our family.

I honestly cannot complain. 2013 was good to me and I hope somewhere out there it was good to some other people too. I can't imagine it being any better. I will say that I hope we find more time for things like camping and traveling. We've come to realize we all enjoy those things, and even more so when we get to do them together. So Hello 2014! I hope you treat me as well as 2013. And Goodbye 2013. You were great to me. I will truly miss you.

Happy New Year!