Thursday, May 12, 2016

Week 1: The Beginning

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It has been one week since my LEO was killed in the line of duty. I have so many mixed emotions. I want to keep up with this journey so I can see how much things change and I grow. I know there are going to be okay days and days where I melt into a puddle on my floor. So far there's been a nice mix of days, but mostly they've been busy. Now it's time to settle into the long haul. This is not about attention, I don't even care if people read it to be honest. It makes me feel better to write it. Get it all out without depressing everyone on Facebook. And maybe, just maybe, it'll help someone else one day because as bad as I don't want it to, this will happen to someone else.
Some things about my husband: K9, SWAT, Special Investigations (specifically Narcotics), headed to Instructor Training this summer to eventually open a K9 Training Center. Took kids to school everyday, put them to bed every night, ate dinner at the table with them. Made me laugh, annoyed me, left his clothes wherever he took them off, took a bath with me every night, learned to do acrylic nails so I could have them done since I wouldn't take time away from him to go. Great guy. Selfless in the truest sense of the word.

Some things about our relationship: It was not perfect. We have been through some things I'd rather forget. We also have memories I wouldn't trade for the world. I can say with 100% certainty I would've rather had the exact same 7 1/2 years with him than 50 with someone else. No questions asked. People say we had a fairy tale romance due to the circumstances that brought us together and because we only knew each other for two months before we got married. We had a fairy tale love but not a fairy tale romance. There is a difference. Either way, it was real. Every single second. I have no regrets and that makes it easier. We loved each other so much and my mind is peaceful. No "what ifs". Just peace knowing he's better and I'll see him again.

Today is the first day I've been pretty much alone. I got my son up and had him clean his room. I didn't want to make him. I set up his first counseling appointment. Setting up appointments for him because his father was murdered is not something I ever thought I would have to do. My daughter has been spending a lot of time with my MIL because it's therapeutic for them both and my son needs alone time with me.

We're trying to get back to normal but we cannot get back to normal because our normal is gone. Now we're trying to figure out what our new normal is. I think that's the hardest thing. I took a bath while he started on his room. I realized I hadn't had one since Sunday. It's Thursday. It hasn't even crossed my mind. When I did get in the bath, I started to shave and thought, "Why am I shaving? It doesn't even matter." I almost felt like I was betraying him. Like the only reason I shave is for him. I shaved long before I met him, but it didn't matter. I thought about putting on make up so I didn't look dead and it felt like I was trying to impress someone. It's almost like I'm afraid if another man notices me I'm betraying him. Men have noticed me plenty of times while he was with me. How could it be a betrayal? I don't know, but it feels like one. We wound up not even leaving the house.

I need to clean my bathroom but I can't figure out when I'll be able to get his dirty clothes out of the floor. It's almost like if I remove them I'm removing him and his memory. I sleep with his shirt every night. It's comforting. I'm not in shock or denial. It just makes me feel better to be reminded of him. I had to mark myself as "widowed" on more than one piece of paperwork today. It was horrible.

He was so pretty. I got messages like these all day every day. I think I miss that the most.

We're watching Star Wars now and just talking about him and how much he loved this movie too. A stack of movies he never got to watch is still here. He was just the best. He really was. My old post about loving a LEO has had 28K+ views. It talks about how it's not glamorous. This is the epitome of that. No glamour to it. This is real life. He's really gone. He's really never coming back. I'll really never hear that velcro again. Don't make this life glamorous. Don't ever be that stupid.

There have been things happen during this time I would've never expected. Petty things. Things that would normally never be a second thought in my head but now they just make me furious. People posting numerous things about my husband but didn't take 5 minutes out of their partying to stop by or even call. We could obviously see how upset those people were. The ones not around post the most because they need the most attention. People who can't even tag him in a status because they were blocked from his pages but are all of a sudden his best friend. Seriously? People here didn't need attention. We know how upset they were because we were here to see it. People inserting themselves in the situation when they haven't cared about seeing or speaking to him in years but are all of a sudden so distraught over him being gone. I just want to scream "STOP!!! This is my LIFE. Every. Single. Day. I miss him. My whole life as I knew it was over and you had a nice party day this weekend." I haven't because I'm afraid if I let myself get angry I won't ever stop. There have been numerous people post and say things that don't see him that don't bother me because they're not trying to pretend they were super close or best friends or that they've been here for us. I know this probably sounds petty but it's amazing the things that bother you when it becomes about your murdered husband. At this point I guess I don't care who gets mad. I try to keep it to myself but if they run across this, oh well.

Either way, Week 1 is down and over. We survived and we'll survive the next week too unless it's our time to go. Life goes on. It may not be easy, but it is what it is.

If you would like to read more posts, please click below.

Week 2
Week 3

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