Week 3: A New Normal

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Week 3 is over as of today. I have to say, this has been the worst week so far. There are numerous reasons. Friday was the commitment hearing for the person who hit him. I avoided it completely. The ADA called me as soon as it was over and let me know what happened. The man did not get bond which was expected. Honestly, as much as I hate him, I have passed the "I want him to die" stage and have made it to the "I really hate that even more lives are ruined because of his actions" stage. He has a family. A mother. Friends. Someone else has lost someone they care about too and I hate that for them. If all I can be is vengeful and all I can think about is revenge I will  turn into a person TJ would hate and I do not ever want that to happen.

My mom came down to be with me for the hearing. We managed to go to the bank where the song we danced to at our wedding renewal 6 1/2 months ago came on. I cried in the bank. Just cried. No breakdown. Mostly because it's such a happy memory.

My mom took me to get our nails done. Seemed pointless but felt great. Nobody there knew who I was so I had a public hour without hearing "I'm so sorry," followed by, "What exactly happened?" Just so you know, whether you know a person or not (and *especially* if not because then you are flat out being nosy - good time to learn how to use Google and how to mind your own business) asking them to explain to you exactly how a person close to them was killed is not a good thing to do. EVER. Our son had a lock-in at school he went to from 3:30-8:00 and then a church lock-in after. We picked him up from school and dropped him off at church then had Mexican. First time I had gone to  one of "our spots" without him. Since my mom was with me it was okay. We stayed up all night talking and passed out.

Saturday Mom helped me clean off his dresser. I couldn't do it but there were some things I needed to find that were there. She also emptied my bathroom trash can. Sounds silly, but all of his cigar trash was in it and I couldn't do it. I had tried at least 3 times already and walked away every time. I got everything out of his car put up as well. It was in the floor and on my dresser so it had to be done. We also got Bojar (Boy-er) brushed and his anxiety is doing much better thankfully.

Sunday was hard. It was the first time I've gone to church. I dreaded it all day. I'm glad I went but I've never gone without him so it was one of the hardest firsts I've had. I meant to take his Bible which was in his car with him when he got hit but I was so frazzled I forgot it. I wound up not needing it. I know church is where I need to be but right now I talk to God from home mostly. Sometimes it gets loud.

Monday was uneventful except for the drive to counseling. 3 of our songs came on in a row. Wildest Dreams, You Are Not Alone, and Shake It Off. He loved Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift and wasn't ashamed at all. Coincidentally, those same 3 songs played Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I haven't heard the MJ song on the radio since right after he passed. It was definitely a little odd and comforting.

This song was played at our sons awards ceremony Tuesday and it has been stuck in my head ever since. I feel exactly like the song. No explanation needed. It was the longest day I've had so far. I basically cried all day. It's difficult to be happy and sad all at once but I'm becoming a pro. The first big thing he missed. As you can see below, he was still well represented. These people have been there every minute we've needed them and I couldn't be more thankful. Our son had a rough day and a meltdown in the evening. The first really big one he's had. We worked through it together. He felt better after than he did before. He's holding a lot of things in so that I don't get upset.

Wednesday the kids decided they didn't want to go to school. Tuesday was such a long day for them that they were still exhausted so we just hung around the house and didn't do much of anything. We had some company come by, played video games, and napped. We tried to recuperate from Tuesday basically. They did go to their last day of school today and had a good time. They needed it and I needed it for them. I need to see my kids be happy sometimes, especially when they pointed out earlier this week that nobody laughs as much anymore around here. They pick up on everything.

Overall this week just sucked. We're trying to settle in and find a new normal but it isn't very easy. It all happened at a time that came with a lot of changes anyway. The end of school, summer coming... So much happening all at once. One day at a time is what I tell myself over and over. It can't be changed. It is what it is.

If you would like to read more, previous and next posts are linked below.

Week 2
Week 4

It's been a while....

I was just on Pinterest for a minute or two (or 60), and saw a few times where my 'What It's Like to Love a LEO' post had been shared and pinned numerous times. The descriptions were amazing. People I didn't know saying thank you to me (who they didn't know) for writing something they could 100% relate to. Ladies, I'm here to tell you that post is still completely relevant to me too. Especially with all the happenings going on lately. It has just been one struggle after another. 

Seeing my post pinned over and over also made me realize how much I missed blogging. I know it's useless, but it gives me a way to interact with people who understand whether I know them or not. I have been so busy lately I let the things that I do just for me slide. WHY??? I need that now more than ever. My personal LEO has been gone this week. It has been difficult. He is handling something with K-9 so he's hours away and I'm here, being Mom and Dad. And the maid. And the cook. And the disciplinarian. And the zookeeper. I won't keep going, even though I could. 

Anyway, my week. Let's recap: Monday Copper left. No big deal. He was here until lunch. About the time he left our 7 yr old pit bull got sick. From everywhere. It lasted all night. I'm not sure if I felt worse for him or me. Oh, me definitely because by that night I was sick too. Up until 4:30 am the. Took the littles to school.l and thankfully it was uneventful, so Tuesday was okay, just a loooong day. Had to work on some vinyl stuff, normal job, etc. But then Wednesday came and it brought an entirely different meaning of hell with it. Got the kids up and dressed. Little says she doesn't feel good and won't eat breakfast so she lays on the couch and wraps up in a comforter. I take Big to school bc it's not even 5 minutes away. Left her with the phone and locked her in. Get back and walked over to check for fever. At this moment she sits up and literally throws up onto my feet. I'm talking about in between my toes folks. This went on all day. Port thing. Oh, remember how the dog was sick Monday? It lasted through Tuesday morning but that was it. Until the minute I had the slime between my toes. What do I hear happening in the other room? I won't tell you. Let's just say it was worse - yes, WORSE - than the toe slime. This also went on all day. I was so glad for it to end. 

So, here I am on Thursday. I'm taking care of the farm plus doing the 2 jobs and I get a call from Big's teacher letting me know he painted a kid one day this week (how in the hell did that even happen and how come I'm only finding out now) and has been turning in no homework. Awesome. He is so smart but he despises homework. Makes both of our lives difficult. Deal with that, and not very well I hate to admit. I'm stressed and still not over being sick so I had a moment. Whatever. It happens. 

I would like to give a HUGE shoutout to the single parents. It is so hard. I do spend a lot of time alone but it feels different when you know that eventually they'll be home. Might be after a 20 hour shift but they will be. Knowing my backup is hours away sucks. You people that do this all the time as single parents are amazing and have my full respect. 

The kicker? He's gone next week too. Send prayers. :/

Thanks for listening to my rant. Feel free to share your horror stories with me. We can vent and rant together as only

our community can. Blue Family is the best family. 💙💙💙