Week 8: Taking Care of Business

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This week started off with Little #1 getting home from church camp. By Friday I was so ready to see him. I know he had fun but he also had some hard times I couldn't be there for and I hate that for him. I had a nice surprise waiting when he got home. We went together and got a cell phone for him. He had no idea why we were there until we were leaving and I handed him his new phone. He hugged me and the customer service person remarked how he'd never seen a child hug a parent for getting them a phone. I guess most feel entitled so it was a nice compliment for me. L#1 just told him how much he loves his mama and that he hugs me all the time. ☺️ We stopped by a couple more places, went home, and did nothing together. It was great. 

Saturday we went to lunch and a movie. I got outvoted so we saw Independence Day 2 instead of Finding Dory. It turned out to be really good so it was fine. Went home after and just hung out. Nice, relaxing day.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Monday was another counseling appointment for L#1. It went very well. He's starting to open up some. It was his hardest session yet. His emotions were still a little raw from camp. He did take the therapists advice and cut back on the video games on his own which was very nice. I was dreading having to cut him back even though I knew it needed to be done. He had a checkup with his doctor Monday afternoon. Everything was fine and he was excited about seeing his doctor so it worked out great. We went out to eat with our best friends and their kids that evening then hung out at the house so the boys could see each other. Good ending to the night for him. 

Tuesday I had a meeting with a lawyer. Please make sure you get a Will done if you don't already have one. Dealing with stuff on my end shouldn't be too difficult but it would be much simpler with a will. I didn't want to but I've learned it's best right now to have a lawyer. There is so much paperwork that even though that's my actual job, I just can't get through it all. 

Wednesday was fairly uneventful. Went to lunch with L#1 and shopped with a friend to help her find some stuff for her new job. Came home, laid around, and went to bed. Another nice relaxing day. 

Today I went to a bench dedication. The vet office that handles all of the K-9's for our Sheriff's Office dedicated a bench and put a very nice plaque out beside it in TJ's memory. It's beautiful and such a sweet gesture of remembrance. It was a little emotional. I held it together until I got home. I hibernated in my room for about an hour and then I was done. Pick it up and move it along. 

A man also handmade a model car to match our cruisers and had custom decals made for it. You can see more of his work here. It's beautiful. Just more things people have amazed me by doing. Some of the things are so considerate and thoughtful it's unreal.

You can probably tell a lot of the excitement has died down. We are in the new normal rut right now. We're basically going through the motions from day to day. I'm glad they're getting plenty of time to adjust during the summer instead of having to deal with school but it's also very unstructured. We just hang out a lot of days and wait on the next day to get here. I think that'll change some when school starts back. I think school is going to have an entirely different set of issues this year. I guess we'll find out. It is what it is. 

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Week 7

Week 9

Week 7: Happy 7th Birthday Little #2!

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I'm going to be a happy mom for a minute. This beautiful girl had her 7th birthday on Father's Day of all days.

She was also born on Father's Day. We had a lot of family come into town for cake and presents. We had her party on Saturday instead of Sunday. It was a little stressful. There were a lot more people than I expected and I just do not have the nerves for that yet. I am glad they were all  there. She genuinely enjoyed it. Some friends and I skipped out about 7 and briefly went to a welcome home party for a friend while the grandparents watched the kids. Everyone except those friends went home and we just hung out on the back porch. It was so relaxing.

Since my mom and dad came into town she got to go back home with Nana for a week. They would have had to leave late if we did her party on Sunday. After they left Sunday morning it was just Little #1 and I. We watched cartoons and ate pizza rolls because that's what he wanted to do.

He left Monday morning for church camp. I got a couple of messages from him Monday night. He was very upset. He's a homebody anyway and needs his alone time which is hard to get at camp. He made it through the night and Tuesday was much better. I got some really funny pictures and he had a soccer slot that day so he was much happier.

The past two weeks have brought around a new feeling. I'm not even sure what it is. I have somehow been relaxed. I go to a medical massage therapist every week and even she remarked on how much better my muscles were. Some knots seem to have just fell out. Someone not long ago told me I was inspiring in how I was dealing with the entire situation. I just told them I could either get worse or get better so I'm hoping I'm getting better specifically with this situation and generally with life. We could all improve in some way. I am trying to be less negative about things. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things. I am also trying to learn to let things go. It is not something I do very well but I am working on it.

Life is just so odd at this point. Things are happening I never expected and learning to deal with change is not a prominent trait I have either. I'm trying though and that's all I can do. I've gotten past the whispers and rumors already. I am going to be happy because the only other option is unhappy and that's not fair. It's not fair to the children or me to walk around miserable all the time. This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. 

What can I say? It is what it is.


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Week 6
Week 8

Week 6: A Huge Thank You

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My posts have been a little negative lately. My life has been a little negative so I guess that's to be expected, but I thought I'd use this week to be a little more positive. I'll get to that. 😀

The only major milestone this week was that our closest friends and I went to our "spot". We hung out with the kids all day before that trip. It was a little hard being there without him but when you have amazing friends it makes it so much easier. My best friends birthday was this week so we celebrated that too. My best friend just happens to be one of his best friends and her husband is his very best friend so it makes things extra hard for us to get through things sometimes but we manage. 

She was not happy about the candles but I didn't care. I did make her favorite chocolate chocolate chip sour cream cupcakes and cream cheese icing so it was fine because she was not getting one without candles in it. And really, isn't she beautiful? Her hair makes me want to rip it out and glue it on my head. 😒

I'm not feeling super wordy today so I thought it would be nice to share some pictures of some of the amazing things the kids and I have received since the wreck. A lot of these came from civilians who just want officers and their families to know they care which has restored some of my faith in humanity. People can be really great when they want. Most of these are posted on my Instagram so if you've seen them already I'm sorry! I just want to make sure everyone can see them. Maybe some of the people who have sent these in will see this one day and know how thankful I have been for their support. 

This is nowhere near all of the stuff. I will add some of the things to later posts so we can all get some periodic reminding of how the entire world isn't against even when it feels like it is. I've had people do so many generous things free of charge as well like spray for bugs outside to help the kids, mount some animals from his hunting trip, do massages, bring food, donate a gun to a raffle, etc. I could go on and on. At some point I am going to make a post and name these people and businesses by name so they get some recognition for supporting a sometimes thankless profession. 

I have still had some moments this week. I think I had my angriest day so far this week. It's the first time I've really been furious in weeks. It was over something I can't change so it's not worth mentioning but it still kind of sucked. The clothes are still in the bathroom floor. I knew they wouldn't be moved yet. I did get a ton of things I've been putting off done this week. Truck went to the shop, visited some places I needed to, went by his office and picked up the rest of his stuff... I'm exhausted at this point. I had to get all this done so it was worth it but I need some good sleep right now. Hopefully I get it. I'll be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel. I'm sorry. I'm such a nerd. It is what it is. 😁

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Week 5

Week 7

Week 5: After the Break

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This last week has been a blur. It was so busy compared to the last month. I had to go shopping again. It was awful. Nothing fits. For all the people that constantly tell me they wish they were my size, I've got a diet plan that works right now but I wouldn't recommend it. I hate having to spend money on clothes but mine are literally falling off. I got dressed almost every day. The difference just getting dressed makes is unbelievable. I even put on eyeliner and mascara once. And yes, I know my pants have a hole or two. They're comfortable that way. 

My mom came to visit and I got her to myself the whole weekend since the kids were gone. It never happens anymore and I loved it. We hung out with each other, some friends, and some family. It was great. I don't know what I'd do without her some days. As a person I'm a little odd but she always tries to understand me and she doesn't judge me. She has had my back even when I was dead wrong. And man does she love TJ.

We enjoyed our family dinner with my favorite people too. Even had a photo session. 

I haven't been back to church. I need to but right now crowds just don't work for me. I have been reading a daily devotional some thoughtful anonymous person sent me. I love it. It is specifically for grief and has helped calm my mind more than once. I've also been getting specifics down for a foundation to help officers left behind after a tragedy by working with an officer from around here. Busy all the time is good for me. I know some people don't like it but it's just what I need most days.

The kids got home Tuesday. I don't know if I've ever been as happy to see them as I was when they got home this time. I missed them so much. They had a great time with their grandparents but they were happy to be home too. My Little B lost her first tooth. It literally fell out. I've been trying to pull it for weeks but she wouldn't let me.

We had a family therapy session the afternoon they got home. It went well. It was difficult but needed and I do think it's helping my son. They don't normally get a ton of television or video game time but it's been raining a lot and school is out so they've gotten more than normal. He admitted he's been playing so much because he can zone out and not think about what is really going on. This is good at times but bad as well because he's not letting himself process his emotions. At some point they just wind up boiling over. I just can't imagine having to process what he's processing at his age but he is managing like a champ. 

I went to the grocery store alone for the first time as well Tuesday. It sucked so bad. I haven't done that in years. I missed him shopping by color and throwing at least 5 useless things in with the stuff we needed. I hated having to not buy the things only he ate. I could've bought them anyway but it would've been a waste so I didn't. I'm so glad logic usually wins with me. Not being overly emotional has been the best thing I could have asked for over the last five weeks.

I also had some great help this week. A friend has helped me with all the guy stuff. Changing light bulbs, taking care of the animals, cleaning out the freezers... The list never ends and some of it I just can't do by myself. It's nice to not have to do it all alone. I haven't moved any of TJs stuff this week. I did pay bills. I've got to get a new vehicle. Mine is the same one I've had since I was 17 and both of ours have 200K+ miles on them. We were already looking for something so I plan on staying with our original idea. I'm sure plenty of people will have something to say about it but I don't care anymore. We had the money for it and I'm doing it. Everyone worries because mine are old and it is different knowing if something happens he won't be with us to help fix it. It sucks thinking about what other people will say. That's not something I normally do and I hate it. People say stuff either way though so I may as well do what I need to. I still don't really care what people think about me unless it has to do with how I felt about him. I loved him with every fiber I had to love a person with and people belittling decisions or thinking I'm not handling things correctly just infuriates me.

Today is a cleaning day. The house is finally returning to some type of order. At least one kids room has been completely cleaned out. One left to go. I've been debating on moving some of his stuff around in the closet. Haven't done it yet, but honestly it doesn't make sense to leave all his stuff where it is when half of mine could go there and be way easier for me. Whether it makes sense or not, his stuff is still there. Just can't move it yet. I'm not trying to move on from him but the practical side of my brain knows I should do what is most beneficial for myself. We'll see. Everything's different. It is what it is.


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Week 4
Week 6

Week 4: Alone at Last

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This past week has been especially full of firsts. The kids went to the beach with their grandmother so it was my first time at home without them. In turn, I also had my first night at home without anyone. It was difficult. It was actually more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I was ready for some alone time and when I got it I just wanted to send it back. 

I had a few moments where I just didn't know what to do with myself. I cleaned up some which needed to be done. I've put it off because it just reminds me I'm now doing it all by myself. I'm not used to it and it is a harsh reminder of what is gone. I got my bathroom clean. His clothes are still in the floor. At some point I know I'll move them but it hasn't happened yet and it probably won't happen soon. I know those clothes are going to be the last thing. I just feel it. That's okay. I'm letting them stay and if people think I'm being ridiculous they can walk on by. 

I managed to get dressed twice this week. Went to a movie with a buddy and saw Alice In Wonderland. Loved it. I didn't realize until the kids had been gone a day or so that I needed them to be gone. I've focused solely on them and it has not been the best thing to do. It has been great for them but not for me. Thankfully I've got friends that have made sure I'm eating and sleeping and all the other necessary things people have to do to survive. I can never thank those people enough. 

My dad came back to visit so me, him, and a friend ran errands Saturday. Door needed fixing, dogs needed bathing, etc. Just did all the stuff I needed help with basically. I managed to relax with the kids gone. My son got his first fishhook and tetanus shot while he was gone. He's excited about his battle scar. 😄 I'm so glad they had a good time. I wasn't sure he was going to go until they actually left. He was so concerned with leaving me. He just proves to me how big he's getting every single day. It scares me to death and makes me more proud than I ever thought I could be. Geez. I just love those kids so much. He has taken care of me while my youngest has tried to keep me distracted. There is not one doubt in my mind that I would not be here to write this if I did not have them. 

I did some shopping and went to lunch with some friends one day. I had to shop because twice my pants have literally fallen off. No bras, pants, shorts, or anything else for that matter fits now. I literally had no choice. It was nice to get out and do something for me. I was a little surprised by that honestly. This week has been full of surprises. I learned I was "dating". Seriously? It hasn't even been a month. I also learned that it is apparently just fine for me to call my married guy friends if I need something but to call a single guy friend that can help without taking time away from his family and responsibilities means I must be dating him or he must be at least trying. 😂 At this point in my life I honestly don't know what is wrong with people. 

So this week was way better than last week. Last week was the absolute worst. It just sucked. Now it's time to start being whatever normal is again. It's at least time to figure out what normal is somewhat. Life, man. Life. Ugh. It just is what it is. 

Note: This didn't publish correctly for some reason to begin with. Sorry!

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Week 3
Week 5

Week 3: A New Normal

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Week 3 is over as of today. I have to say, this has been the worst week so far. There are numerous reasons. Friday was the commitment hearing for the person who hit him. I avoided it completely. The ADA called me as soon as it was over and let me know what happened. The man did not get bond which was expected. Honestly, as much as I hate him, I have passed the "I want him to die" stage and have made it to the "I really hate that even more lives are ruined because of his actions" stage. He has a family. A mother. Friends. Someone else has lost someone they care about too and I hate that for them. If all I can be is vengeful and all I can think about is revenge I will  turn into a person TJ would hate and I do not ever want that to happen.

My mom came down to be with me for the hearing. We managed to go to the bank where the song we danced to at our wedding renewal 6 1/2 months ago came on. I cried in the bank. Just cried. No breakdown. Mostly because it's such a happy memory.

My mom took me to get our nails done. Seemed pointless but felt great. Nobody there knew who I was so I had a public hour without hearing "I'm so sorry," followed by, "What exactly happened?" Just so you know, whether you know a person or not (and *especially* if not because then you are flat out being nosy - good time to learn how to use Google and how to mind your own business) asking them to explain to you exactly how a person close to them was killed is not a good thing to do. EVER. Our son had a lock-in at school he went to from 3:30-8:00 and then a church lock-in after. We picked him up from school and dropped him off at church then had Mexican. First time I had gone to  one of "our spots" without him. Since my mom was with me it was okay. We stayed up all night talking and passed out.

Saturday Mom helped me clean off his dresser. I couldn't do it but there were some things I needed to find that were there. She also emptied my bathroom trash can. Sounds silly, but all of his cigar trash was in it and I couldn't do it. I had tried at least 3 times already and walked away every time. I got everything out of his car put up as well. It was in the floor and on my dresser so it had to be done. We also got Bojar (Boy-er) brushed and his anxiety is doing much better thankfully.

Sunday was hard. It was the first time I've gone to church. I dreaded it all day. I'm glad I went but I've never gone without him so it was one of the hardest firsts I've had. I meant to take his Bible which was in his car with him when he got hit but I was so frazzled I forgot it. I wound up not needing it. I know church is where I need to be but right now I talk to God from home mostly. Sometimes it gets loud.

Monday was uneventful except for the drive to counseling. 3 of our songs came on in a row. Wildest Dreams, You Are Not Alone, and Shake It Off. He loved Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift and wasn't ashamed at all. Coincidentally, those same 3 songs played Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I haven't heard the MJ song on the radio since right after he passed. It was definitely a little odd and comforting.

This song was played at our sons awards ceremony Tuesday and it has been stuck in my head ever since. I feel exactly like the song. No explanation needed. It was the longest day I've had so far. I basically cried all day. It's difficult to be happy and sad all at once but I'm becoming a pro. The first big thing he missed. As you can see below, he was still well represented. These people have been there every minute we've needed them and I couldn't be more thankful. Our son had a rough day and a meltdown in the evening. The first really big one he's had. We worked through it together. He felt better after than he did before. He's holding a lot of things in so that I don't get upset.

Wednesday the kids decided they didn't want to go to school. Tuesday was such a long day for them that they were still exhausted so we just hung around the house and didn't do much of anything. We had some company come by, played video games, and napped. We tried to recuperate from Tuesday basically. They did go to their last day of school today and had a good time. They needed it and I needed it for them. I need to see my kids be happy sometimes, especially when they pointed out earlier this week that nobody laughs as much anymore around here. They pick up on everything.

Overall this week just sucked. We're trying to settle in and find a new normal but it isn't very easy. It all happened at a time that came with a lot of changes anyway. The end of school, summer coming... So much happening all at once. One day at a time is what I tell myself over and over. It can't be changed. It is what it is.

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Week 2
Week 4

Week 2: Still the beginning...

Here we are another week down. Week 2 was not any easier than Week 1 but it was different. I had some great conversations with some people that really do understand exactly what I'm going through and they made all the difference. Don't be afraid to reach out. People that you don't even know can be more of a help than anyone if they have been through the same thing. I also had some people do things for me that were unexpected but very welcome and made me feel just a little bit better about the world at a time when I just want to hate it. Someone came and sprayed our yard for bugs, one of the departments handled yard care for a year, our K9 guys have been out constantly to check on things. It has been amazing and overwhelming how people have just done what they can for us. I have learned to let people help and to accept that help graciously. It's a lesson I had never learned before now. We were always doing the helping, not being helped.

I can understand how situations like this turn into  lifelong addictions for people. I cannot count how many people have said something like, "If you can't sleep, just have a glass of wine," or, "Just take this pill, it will help." They are probably right but I'm afraid to start that. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. I tried to get dressed because I was taking my kids by their school so they could visit. I wound up putting on a t-shirt that was his because anything that looked cute seemed wrong. No good reason why at all. The kids decided I didn't need to stay with them so I went to a lady I've been using for a while that does medical massage. On top of everything, I could barely move because dehydration, stress, and anxiety have made my muscles one gigantic knot. It was a huge help going and I have another appointment tomorrow. As soon as I got back my son was all over me telling me he wished he hadn't told me to leave. He is so concerned for me. He told me I needed a "guy roommate" because he didn't want me to have to do everything by myself, including just watching grown-up movies he's not old enough for. He's 11. I hate him thinking about things like that. When did he get so grown and so much like his dad?

When we got home from  the school I realized none of us had eaten. On top of that, I realized none of us were even hungry. Appetites haven't been huge around here lately. I did manage to make tea. That doesn't sound like much but it's the first thing I've had to do alone for us. Everyone has been here and been so helpful I haven't had to do anything. My dad came to visit for the weekend. He grilled steaks and corn and baked potatoes Friday night and steamed crayfish Saturday night. Just something different. We got the house and yard picked up from so many people being here. I had a moment when he cranked the lawnmower. Nobody has ever cut grass here other than TJ and when I heard it start I just broke down for about 10 minutes. I let myself have my moment then I got up and kept going. It would've been very easy to just stay in the floor with his shirt but I chose not to. Since we got everything picked up and kind of back on a schedule Bojar (Boy-er), our K9, got to come home Monday afternoon. He's very anxious but we're all working through issues and he's no different than us.

I rinsed out his sink in the bathroom. It had toothpaste in it and hair from where he had shaved. I cried the entire time. It felt like I was removing part of him. If he was alive I would've picked at him about not doing it but as annoying as it was I miss it already. His clothes are still in the floor. I can't move them. I assume I will at some point but I can't be sure. His towel is still hanging on the towel rod. I used it once. Almost. When I got out of the tub I just fell in the floor and cried into it because he would never be using it again. Then I got up, dusted myself off, read the notes he left me on the bathroom mirror, and felt better remembering at least he was able to use it when he did.

I have been using my diffuser religiously at night. Lavender and cedarwood are such a great sleep combination. Cedarwood helps reset your short term memory which is great for combating bad dreams. I don't sell oils or anything like that. No sales pitch here. Just good advice for anyone. My children ask for it now since they've started sleeping with me. This week was full of way more breakdowns and breakthroughs than I expected. I washed clothes. The only thing of his in it was a pair of underwear. I cried some more realizing I would never be washing his clothes again. My laundry is cut in half and I'm sad about it. How does that happen? haha. 

So, about the interesting "roommate" conversation with my son this week. He told me I needed to get a "guy roommate". My immediate response was, "There is no way I'm ready for a boyfriend!" He told me that he didn't mean a boyfriend, he literally meant a male roommate because he didn't want me doing everything and having to do things alone. "Mom, you need somebody to help. And maybe watch grown up movies with you. I can't because I'm not old enough but you need somebody to." First of all, excuse me child? You're 11. Stop being 30. Second of all, I know he's right and the thought hurts me to my soul. I can't be alone forever. It doesn't even make sense. The issue is I cannot imagine moving on with another person. Honestly, just the thought makes me physically hurt. 

I spoke with a lady that lives close who lost her husband in an accident a while back. Her call just gave me a peace I didn't know I needed. She could tell me what I felt without me having to say it. It's amazing how complete strangers just get it. The kids went to church and one of my K9 guys offered to drive me to the pet store an hour away so I didn't have to deal  with people stopping me every 5 minutes to talk. We had dinner (as friends obviously but you know how people are so I'm clarifying) and laughed and I managed not to feel guilty. I don't know how. I even straightened my hair. First time it had been brushed in over a week. 

The kids and I also spent our first night alone this week. My Facebook post on that was this: "The kids and I are spending our first night alone, accompanied only by a lot of firepower. Lol. We're all in bed watching a cartoon that we watched with Dad not too long ago. We miss T.J. so much but it helps to talk and laugh about him. None of us think he was perfect but we even miss the bad things (like when he was grumpy according to Bacon - haha) bc they were part of who he was. 10 days ago I thought I wouldn't make it another day, yet here I am making it. We all are. He always had a way of making us happy even when things were awful. It's a quality not everyone has. I can't imagine ever loving another person like I love him. He's the person in my life I would literally give my own life for, except he gave his for us instead. We have so many good memories but the last 6 months when he cut out all his extra stuff and was at home all the time are the best memories I'll ever have. Our entire family dynamic changed. I truly believe God knew this was coming and made sure we were able to have a ton of amazing memories before he took him. I will be forever grateful for that instead of being angry he took him and it helps me sleep peacefully and not be bitter. We will see him again one day and hopefully I get to tell him about our next 50 years as a family."

I did go to a Memorial Luncheon thrown by another fallen officer's family this week. We lost him almost 2 years ago. It's really the only thing I've gone to and I only went because of who was throwing it. I knew it would do them good to  see me and I hoped it would do me some good to see them. I was right. It really did. It was the day after I had a very profound experience and I was so at peace during the entire thing. I realize people will wonder what the experience was so I will tell you. Believe it or not. Doesn't matter to me. I was having a hard time falling asleep for the first time. I'm so exhausted by the time we get to bed I've been passing out quickly, but for some reason I couldn't. I sleep with his shirt and somehow when I rolled over it came out of my hand. I reached over and grabbed it and when I did I felt his entire body weight cuddle me. I've imagined him laying there. This was not that. This felt REAL. Like he was right there. I saw his face as clear as if he was sitting in front of me and he said, "Wife, just go to sleep." I was asleep within 10 seconds. I have never felt anything like it before and haven't since but I hope I do. It was amazing. I've had a peace ever since that I didn't even know I was missing.

I have had so many conflicting feelings this week. A ton of laughs. A few breakdowns. A cryfest here and there. Experiences I didn't even know could happen. A couple of "normal" evenings. One day at a time. As always, it is what it is.

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Week 1
Week 3