Week 10: Beach Time!

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Thank God this week is over. That is all I can say. So many firsts this week. So much emotion. So little sleep. Just thank God it's over. Okay, obviously I've got to give you a little more than that so here goes. Fair warning, if you keep reading it's probably going to be long and emotional. If that's not what you want today read later or not at all. 

It's going to be best to just go day by day, so I'll start with Friday. Friday I had to pick up a pale yellow bowtie for Little #1 for a wedding he was in THE. NEXT. DAY. *facepalm* I should have done this already but I've been a little distracted. The Littles spent the night with their BicBic (my MIL) Thursday since they had been gone and I'd have them all weekend so luckily I didn't have to drag them around with me. At this point I should mention I had already forgotten her headband (she's in the wedding too) and his shoes. I had handled those things only the day before. I found the bowtie much quicker than expected and had a couple other things to do so I finished up and got home. I washed all their clothes the night before so I still had to pack a few things. While packing I realized he didn't have the shirt he needed and she didn't have shoes that fit. I was about to have a meltdown at this point because through all of this I was also dreading the trip. I love my family but crowds are not my friend at all lately so just the thought made me anxious. Plus lots of time to think on a 3.5 hour drive I should have been making with my husband if everything went right. I got the kids, got on the way, and realized I forgot L#1's medication and Little #2's dress. Yep, the dress she had to wear in the wedding. Kill me now. So we made it to the rehearsal dinner at 6:35. We were only 5 minutes late but I had 2 hours to spare originally and it was SO hot. All petty problems I know but I have zero nerves left. Then I basically flipped out on my aunt that night. She and her husband were arguing so I tried to joke and end the argument. She popped back with, "It's my husband and I'll speak to him how I want." "At least you still have a husband to argue with," fell out of my face before I knew what was happening. It was over after that. She hadn't really done anything wrong. People argue all the time and it wasn't serious. I just apologized over and over, tried to explain that negativity literally makes my brain hurt, and realized the first of two debilitating issues this has caused me. The first is the fear of saying something you'll regret and won't be able to take back if something happens. It haunts my every conversation. I spent the rest of the night pretending I had stubbed my toe really hard and that was why I was crying and upset to a 7 year old. It was an all night thing almost. I passed out hours later still crying. It was like all the stress fell on me at once and being away from home made it worse. If you made it through that, let me remind you that was only Day 1. 

Saturday was the wedding. The morning was nice. I felt awful from the night before but that didn't stop me from taking L2 down to the beach. It was just us since L1 spent the night with his papa the night before instead of staying with us. We also ate lunch with my aunt. It was like nothing ever happened because we both understand the other is stressed. All the smiles in the pictures below prove you can never know what is going on in someone else's head because smiling was literally the last thought in my head.

I had to have the kids to the picture location at 4. We were there on time. At the wrong place. In my defense I had been told the wrong place, but still. Late again. Ugh. So we finally get there to take pictures and it was hot. A beach wedding in the South is hot in July. They were over at 5:15 for us and I had to take L2 back to the room before the wedding. If I hadn't let her cool down she wouldn't have walked down the aisle. We made it to the actual wedding on time so at least there's that. She's so beautiful. She really looks like a little angel.

The reception was fun. We danced and had a good time for a couple of hours. That night we swam until about 1am. They went in and fell asleep pretty much instantly and I stayed up all night and had another meltdown. I slept about 3 hours. I was so glad to see Sunday. I actually spent some time at the beach Sunday and Monday and headed home Tuesday. That part was actually a break. It  was nice to just be somewhere without anything I had to do. I should have been at home doing things but I don't feel bad about it at all.

Monday I had a full blown panic attack. I got a call  that morning from the ADA letting me know the Grand Jury Hearing was the next week. I had been waiting for the panic attack to happen.  I could feel  it and have no idea how I held it in so long. It's good to have people to take care of you because I needed it then and I needed it the rest of the week. It took me a while to recover from it. My hormones were out of whack (like they were in whack to begin with) and it just drained me when I didn't have anything left to drain. I ignored everyone basically all week and tried to just post on Facebook once or twice that I was alive so nobody worried too much. I know that doesn't sound like much of a break but it really was. I got it out of my system and had I been home I probably would have broken a ton of shit so I think it worked out perfectly.

This was an awful week completely. No reason to sugar coat it. But it's over and a new week is starting. I'm hoping it's going to be better. Either way, it is what it is.

If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.

Week 9

Week 11

Week 9: Thank you Team Blue Line!

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This week was another relatively boring one. I would like to clarify that when I say relatively boring, it means the ups and downs were manageable. It does not mean I felt great 24/7. Nothing over-the-top happened. It was just life. My mom came into town Friday. She spent the night with my granny then came to  the house Saturday with Little #2 in tow. I was so ready to  see them both. It had been 2 whole weeks. That is a looooong time for my child to be gone but she had a blast with Nana and Pawpaw. She got to open a birthday present she received in the mail from Team Blue Line. You should check them out if you have time. They do races and all types of fundraisers for fallen officers. They are just starting and already doing a great job. I've enjoyed working with them.

While Mom was here we did some shopping. Kids are still outgrowing everything plus school is coming up. It never ends does it? I was so glad to see my nephew. He's had a really hard time with everything. He just doesn't understand and all bagpipes and police officers remind him.

They left with Nana again to go on an out-of-town vacation Sunday.

I didn't do much while they were gone. When they leave so does most of my motivation. If it weren't for them I'd be gone, no doubt. I did manage to get the house cleaned up some. There is always something to do. I don't really know how since nobody is here most of the time. I think it's mostly because I'm constantly packing and unpacking the kids due to all the traveling they do during the summer. I still believe that going is better for them and me. I like to have all my emotions in check when they're around. I let them see me get upset but I do not want them to see me broken.

I did eat lunch with a longtime friend this week. Her husband is in the military so we don't get to see each other often and it was great. It's always good to talk to people who don't judge you when it seems like everyone else is. They understand your needs are different from what most of society thinks they should be. Everyone's are different. I've had to learn to stop feeling guilty for basically being alive when TJ isn't. I have the thought all the time that what I'm doing isn't fair because he can't do it too and that is no way to be. It doesn't help when people act like doing something for yourself is selfish. It seems crazy to think that other than my few closest friends (maybe 5 people) my biggest support for doing things for myself and just being generally happy is my mom, MIL, and his closest friends. They actually want to see me happy whether I do it the way they think I should or not. They don't push, they encourage. God forbid this ever happens to you, but if it does you  will see that a lot of the people you thought would be amazing about the situation are, for lack of a better word, shitty. You would be amazed at the things people have said to and about me. Most of these people are ones I hear from maybe once every couple of weeks.

I've had to learn to ignore things. I have never been good at ignoring things. I have to learn this lesson about once a week. It was a long week and I feel like next week won't be any better. I hope so but there's a lot to do including some traveling so I doubt it. I guess we'll see. It is what it is.


If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.

Week 8
Week 10

Week 8: Taking Care of Business

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This week started off with Little #1 getting home from church camp. By Friday I was so ready to see him. I know he had fun but he also had some hard times I couldn't be there for and I hate that for him. I had a nice surprise waiting when he got home. We went together and got a cell phone for him. He had no idea why we were there until we were leaving and I handed him his new phone. He hugged me and the customer service person remarked how he'd never seen a child hug a parent for getting them a phone. I guess most feel entitled so it was a nice compliment for me. L#1 just told him how much he loves his mama and that he hugs me all the time. ☺️ We stopped by a couple more places, went home, and did nothing together. It was great. 

Saturday we went to lunch and a movie. I got outvoted so we saw Independence Day 2 instead of Finding Dory. It turned out to be really good so it was fine. Went home after and just hung out. Nice, relaxing day.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Monday was another counseling appointment for L#1. It went very well. He's starting to open up some. It was his hardest session yet. His emotions were still a little raw from camp. He did take the therapists advice and cut back on the video games on his own which was very nice. I was dreading having to cut him back even though I knew it needed to be done. He had a checkup with his doctor Monday afternoon. Everything was fine and he was excited about seeing his doctor so it worked out great. We went out to eat with our best friends and their kids that evening then hung out at the house so the boys could see each other. Good ending to the night for him. 

Tuesday I had a meeting with a lawyer. Please make sure you get a Will done if you don't already have one. Dealing with stuff on my end shouldn't be too difficult but it would be much simpler with a will. I didn't want to but I've learned it's best right now to have a lawyer. There is so much paperwork that even though that's my actual job, I just can't get through it all. 

Wednesday was fairly uneventful. Went to lunch with L#1 and shopped with a friend to help her find some stuff for her new job. Came home, laid around, and went to bed. Another nice relaxing day. 

Today I went to a bench dedication. The vet office that handles all of the K-9's for our Sheriff's Office dedicated a bench and put a very nice plaque out beside it in TJ's memory. It's beautiful and such a sweet gesture of remembrance. It was a little emotional. I held it together until I got home. I hibernated in my room for about an hour and then I was done. Pick it up and move it along. 

A man also handmade a model car to match our cruisers and had custom decals made for it. You can see more of his work here. It's beautiful. Just more things people have amazed me by doing. Some of the things are so considerate and thoughtful it's unreal.

You can probably tell a lot of the excitement has died down. We are in the new normal rut right now. We're basically going through the motions from day to day. I'm glad they're getting plenty of time to adjust during the summer instead of having to deal with school but it's also very unstructured. We just hang out a lot of days and wait on the next day to get here. I think that'll change some when school starts back. I think school is going to have an entirely different set of issues this year. I guess we'll find out. It is what it is. 

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Week 7

Week 9

Week 7: Happy 7th Birthday Little #2!

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I'm going to be a happy mom for a minute. This beautiful girl had her 7th birthday on Father's Day of all days.

She was also born on Father's Day. We had a lot of family come into town for cake and presents. We had her party on Saturday instead of Sunday. It was a little stressful. There were a lot more people than I expected and I just do not have the nerves for that yet. I am glad they were all  there. She genuinely enjoyed it. Some friends and I skipped out about 7 and briefly went to a welcome home party for a friend while the grandparents watched the kids. Everyone except those friends went home and we just hung out on the back porch. It was so relaxing.

Since my mom and dad came into town she got to go back home with Nana for a week. They would have had to leave late if we did her party on Sunday. After they left Sunday morning it was just Little #1 and I. We watched cartoons and ate pizza rolls because that's what he wanted to do.

He left Monday morning for church camp. I got a couple of messages from him Monday night. He was very upset. He's a homebody anyway and needs his alone time which is hard to get at camp. He made it through the night and Tuesday was much better. I got some really funny pictures and he had a soccer slot that day so he was much happier.

The past two weeks have brought around a new feeling. I'm not even sure what it is. I have somehow been relaxed. I go to a medical massage therapist every week and even she remarked on how much better my muscles were. Some knots seem to have just fell out. Someone not long ago told me I was inspiring in how I was dealing with the entire situation. I just told them I could either get worse or get better so I'm hoping I'm getting better specifically with this situation and generally with life. We could all improve in some way. I am trying to be less negative about things. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things. I am also trying to learn to let things go. It is not something I do very well but I am working on it.

Life is just so odd at this point. Things are happening I never expected and learning to deal with change is not a prominent trait I have either. I'm trying though and that's all I can do. I've gotten past the whispers and rumors already. I am going to be happy because the only other option is unhappy and that's not fair. It's not fair to the children or me to walk around miserable all the time. This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. 

What can I say? It is what it is.


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Week 6
Week 8

Week 6: A Huge Thank You

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My posts have been a little negative lately. My life has been a little negative so I guess that's to be expected, but I thought I'd use this week to be a little more positive. I'll get to that. 😀

The only major milestone this week was that our closest friends and I went to our "spot". We hung out with the kids all day before that trip. It was a little hard being there without him but when you have amazing friends it makes it so much easier. My best friends birthday was this week so we celebrated that too. My best friend just happens to be one of his best friends and her husband is his very best friend so it makes things extra hard for us to get through things sometimes but we manage. 

She was not happy about the candles but I didn't care. I did make her favorite chocolate chocolate chip sour cream cupcakes and cream cheese icing so it was fine because she was not getting one without candles in it. And really, isn't she beautiful? Her hair makes me want to rip it out and glue it on my head. 😒

I'm not feeling super wordy today so I thought it would be nice to share some pictures of some of the amazing things the kids and I have received since the wreck. A lot of these came from civilians who just want officers and their families to know they care which has restored some of my faith in humanity. People can be really great when they want. Most of these are posted on my Instagram so if you've seen them already I'm sorry! I just want to make sure everyone can see them. Maybe some of the people who have sent these in will see this one day and know how thankful I have been for their support. 

This is nowhere near all of the stuff. I will add some of the things to later posts so we can all get some periodic reminding of how the entire world isn't against even when it feels like it is. I've had people do so many generous things free of charge as well like spray for bugs outside to help the kids, mount some animals from his hunting trip, do massages, bring food, donate a gun to a raffle, etc. I could go on and on. At some point I am going to make a post and name these people and businesses by name so they get some recognition for supporting a sometimes thankless profession. 

I have still had some moments this week. I think I had my angriest day so far this week. It's the first time I've really been furious in weeks. It was over something I can't change so it's not worth mentioning but it still kind of sucked. The clothes are still in the bathroom floor. I knew they wouldn't be moved yet. I did get a ton of things I've been putting off done this week. Truck went to the shop, visited some places I needed to, went by his office and picked up the rest of his stuff... I'm exhausted at this point. I had to get all this done so it was worth it but I need some good sleep right now. Hopefully I get it. I'll be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel. I'm sorry. I'm such a nerd. It is what it is. 😁

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Week 5

Week 7

Week 5: After the Break

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This last week has been a blur. It was so busy compared to the last month. I had to go shopping again. It was awful. Nothing fits. For all the people that constantly tell me they wish they were my size, I've got a diet plan that works right now but I wouldn't recommend it. I hate having to spend money on clothes but mine are literally falling off. I got dressed almost every day. The difference just getting dressed makes is unbelievable. I even put on eyeliner and mascara once. And yes, I know my pants have a hole or two. They're comfortable that way. 

My mom came to visit and I got her to myself the whole weekend since the kids were gone. It never happens anymore and I loved it. We hung out with each other, some friends, and some family. It was great. I don't know what I'd do without her some days. As a person I'm a little odd but she always tries to understand me and she doesn't judge me. She has had my back even when I was dead wrong. And man does she love TJ.

We enjoyed our family dinner with my favorite people too. Even had a photo session. 

I haven't been back to church. I need to but right now crowds just don't work for me. I have been reading a daily devotional some thoughtful anonymous person sent me. I love it. It is specifically for grief and has helped calm my mind more than once. I've also been getting specifics down for a foundation to help officers left behind after a tragedy by working with an officer from around here. Busy all the time is good for me. I know some people don't like it but it's just what I need most days.

The kids got home Tuesday. I don't know if I've ever been as happy to see them as I was when they got home this time. I missed them so much. They had a great time with their grandparents but they were happy to be home too. My Little B lost her first tooth. It literally fell out. I've been trying to pull it for weeks but she wouldn't let me.

We had a family therapy session the afternoon they got home. It went well. It was difficult but needed and I do think it's helping my son. They don't normally get a ton of television or video game time but it's been raining a lot and school is out so they've gotten more than normal. He admitted he's been playing so much because he can zone out and not think about what is really going on. This is good at times but bad as well because he's not letting himself process his emotions. At some point they just wind up boiling over. I just can't imagine having to process what he's processing at his age but he is managing like a champ. 

I went to the grocery store alone for the first time as well Tuesday. It sucked so bad. I haven't done that in years. I missed him shopping by color and throwing at least 5 useless things in with the stuff we needed. I hated having to not buy the things only he ate. I could've bought them anyway but it would've been a waste so I didn't. I'm so glad logic usually wins with me. Not being overly emotional has been the best thing I could have asked for over the last five weeks.

I also had some great help this week. A friend has helped me with all the guy stuff. Changing light bulbs, taking care of the animals, cleaning out the freezers... The list never ends and some of it I just can't do by myself. It's nice to not have to do it all alone. I haven't moved any of TJs stuff this week. I did pay bills. I've got to get a new vehicle. Mine is the same one I've had since I was 17 and both of ours have 200K+ miles on them. We were already looking for something so I plan on staying with our original idea. I'm sure plenty of people will have something to say about it but I don't care anymore. We had the money for it and I'm doing it. Everyone worries because mine are old and it is different knowing if something happens he won't be with us to help fix it. It sucks thinking about what other people will say. That's not something I normally do and I hate it. People say stuff either way though so I may as well do what I need to. I still don't really care what people think about me unless it has to do with how I felt about him. I loved him with every fiber I had to love a person with and people belittling decisions or thinking I'm not handling things correctly just infuriates me.

Today is a cleaning day. The house is finally returning to some type of order. At least one kids room has been completely cleaned out. One left to go. I've been debating on moving some of his stuff around in the closet. Haven't done it yet, but honestly it doesn't make sense to leave all his stuff where it is when half of mine could go there and be way easier for me. Whether it makes sense or not, his stuff is still there. Just can't move it yet. I'm not trying to move on from him but the practical side of my brain knows I should do what is most beneficial for myself. We'll see. Everything's different. It is what it is.


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Week 4
Week 6

Week 4: Alone at Last

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This past week has been especially full of firsts. The kids went to the beach with their grandmother so it was my first time at home without them. In turn, I also had my first night at home without anyone. It was difficult. It was actually more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I was ready for some alone time and when I got it I just wanted to send it back. 

I had a few moments where I just didn't know what to do with myself. I cleaned up some which needed to be done. I've put it off because it just reminds me I'm now doing it all by myself. I'm not used to it and it is a harsh reminder of what is gone. I got my bathroom clean. His clothes are still in the floor. At some point I know I'll move them but it hasn't happened yet and it probably won't happen soon. I know those clothes are going to be the last thing. I just feel it. That's okay. I'm letting them stay and if people think I'm being ridiculous they can walk on by. 

I managed to get dressed twice this week. Went to a movie with a buddy and saw Alice In Wonderland. Loved it. I didn't realize until the kids had been gone a day or so that I needed them to be gone. I've focused solely on them and it has not been the best thing to do. It has been great for them but not for me. Thankfully I've got friends that have made sure I'm eating and sleeping and all the other necessary things people have to do to survive. I can never thank those people enough. 

My dad came back to visit so me, him, and a friend ran errands Saturday. Door needed fixing, dogs needed bathing, etc. Just did all the stuff I needed help with basically. I managed to relax with the kids gone. My son got his first fishhook and tetanus shot while he was gone. He's excited about his battle scar. 😄 I'm so glad they had a good time. I wasn't sure he was going to go until they actually left. He was so concerned with leaving me. He just proves to me how big he's getting every single day. It scares me to death and makes me more proud than I ever thought I could be. Geez. I just love those kids so much. He has taken care of me while my youngest has tried to keep me distracted. There is not one doubt in my mind that I would not be here to write this if I did not have them. 

I did some shopping and went to lunch with some friends one day. I had to shop because twice my pants have literally fallen off. No bras, pants, shorts, or anything else for that matter fits now. I literally had no choice. It was nice to get out and do something for me. I was a little surprised by that honestly. This week has been full of surprises. I learned I was "dating". Seriously? It hasn't even been a month. I also learned that it is apparently just fine for me to call my married guy friends if I need something but to call a single guy friend that can help without taking time away from his family and responsibilities means I must be dating him or he must be at least trying. 😂 At this point in my life I honestly don't know what is wrong with people. 

So this week was way better than last week. Last week was the absolute worst. It just sucked. Now it's time to start being whatever normal is again. It's at least time to figure out what normal is somewhat. Life, man. Life. Ugh. It just is what it is. 

Note: This didn't publish correctly for some reason to begin with. Sorry!

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Week 3
Week 5