Week 9: Thank you Team Blue Line!

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This week was another relatively boring one. I would like to clarify that when I say relatively boring, it means the ups and downs were manageable. It does not mean I felt great 24/7. Nothing over-the-top happened. It was just life. My mom came into town Friday. She spent the night with my granny then came to  the house Saturday with Little #2 in tow. I was so ready to  see them both. It had been 2 whole weeks. That is a looooong time for my child to be gone but she had a blast with Nana and Pawpaw. She got to open a birthday present she received in the mail from Team Blue Line. You should check them out if you have time. They do races and all types of fundraisers for fallen officers. They are just starting and already doing a great job. I've enjoyed working with them.

While Mom was here we did some shopping. Kids are still outgrowing everything plus school is coming up. It never ends does it? I was so glad to see my nephew. He's had a really hard time with everything. He just doesn't understand and all bagpipes and police officers remind him.

They left with Nana again to go on an out-of-town vacation Sunday.

I didn't do much while they were gone. When they leave so does most of my motivation. If it weren't for them I'd be gone, no doubt. I did manage to get the house cleaned up some. There is always something to do. I don't really know how since nobody is here most of the time. I think it's mostly because I'm constantly packing and unpacking the kids due to all the traveling they do during the summer. I still believe that going is better for them and me. I like to have all my emotions in check when they're around. I let them see me get upset but I do not want them to see me broken.

I did eat lunch with a longtime friend this week. Her husband is in the military so we don't get to see each other often and it was great. It's always good to talk to people who don't judge you when it seems like everyone else is. They understand your needs are different from what most of society thinks they should be. Everyone's are different. I've had to learn to stop feeling guilty for basically being alive when TJ isn't. I have the thought all the time that what I'm doing isn't fair because he can't do it too and that is no way to be. It doesn't help when people act like doing something for yourself is selfish. It seems crazy to think that other than my few closest friends (maybe 5 people) my biggest support for doing things for myself and just being generally happy is my mom, MIL, and his closest friends. They actually want to see me happy whether I do it the way they think I should or not. They don't push, they encourage. God forbid this ever happens to you, but if it does you  will see that a lot of the people you thought would be amazing about the situation are, for lack of a better word, shitty. You would be amazed at the things people have said to and about me. Most of these people are ones I hear from maybe once every couple of weeks.

I've had to learn to ignore things. I have never been good at ignoring things. I have to learn this lesson about once a week. It was a long week and I feel like next week won't be any better. I hope so but there's a lot to do including some traveling so I doubt it. I guess we'll see. It is what it is.


If you would like to read more you can find the previous and next post linked below.

Week 8
Week 10

Week 1: The Beginning

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It has been one week since my LEO was killed in the line of duty. I have so many mixed emotions. I want to keep up with this journey so I can see how much things change and I grow. I know there are going to be okay days and days where I melt into a puddle on my floor. So far there's been a nice mix of days, but mostly they've been busy. Now it's time to settle into the long haul. This is not about attention, I don't even care if people read it to be honest. It makes me feel better to write it. Get it all out without depressing everyone on Facebook. And maybe, just maybe, it'll help someone else one day because as bad as I don't want it to, this will happen to someone else.

Some things about my husband: K9, SWAT, Special Investigations (specifically Narcotics), headed to Instructor Training this summer to eventually open a K9 Training Center. Took kids to school everyday, put them to bed every night, ate dinner at the table with them. Made me laugh, annoyed me, left his clothes wherever he took them off, took a bath with me every night, learned to do acrylic nails so I could have them done since I wouldn't take time away from him to go. Great guy. Selfless in the truest sense of the word.

 

Some things about our relationship: It was not perfect. We have been through some things I'd rather forget. We also have memories I wouldn't trade for the world. I can say with 100% certainty I would've rather had the exact same 7 1/2 years with him than 50 with someone else. No questions asked. People say we had a fairy tale romance due to the circumstances that brought us together and because we only knew each other for two months before we got married. We had a fairy tale love but not a fairy tale romance. There is a difference. Either way, it was real. Every single second. I have no regrets and that makes it easier. We loved each other so much and my mind is peaceful. No "what ifs". Just peace knowing he's better and I'll see him again.

Today is the first day I've been pretty much alone. I got my son up and had him clean his room. I didn't want to make him. I set up his first counseling appointment. Setting up appointments for him because his father was murdered is not something I ever thought I would have to do. My daughter has been spending a lot of time with my MIL because it's therapeutic for them both and my son needs alone time with me.

We're trying to get back to normal but we cannot get back to normal because our normal is gone. Now we're trying to figure out what our new normal is. I think that's the hardest thing. I took a bath while he started on his room. I realized I hadn't had one since Sunday. It's Thursday. It hasn't even crossed my mind. When I did get in the bath, I started to shave and thought, "Why am I shaving? It doesn't even matter." I almost felt like I was betraying him. Like the only reason I shave is for him. I shaved long before I met him, but it didn't matter. I thought about putting on make up so I didn't look dead and it felt like I was trying to impress someone. It's almost like I'm afraid if another man notices me I'm betraying him. Men have noticed me plenty of times while he was with me. How could it be a betrayal? I don't know, but it feels like one. We wound up not even leaving the house.

I need to clean my bathroom but I can't figure out when I'll be able to get his dirty clothes out of the floor. It's almost like if I remove them I'm removing him and his memory. I sleep with his shirt every night. It's comforting. I'm not in shock or denial. It just makes me feel better to be reminded of him. I had to mark myself as "widowed" on more than one piece of paperwork today. It was horrible.

He was so pretty. I got messages like these all day every day. I think I miss that the most.

We're watching Star Wars now and just talking about him and how much he loved this movie too. A stack of movies he never got to watch is still here. He was just the best. He really was. My old post about loving a LEO has had 28K+ views. It talks about how it's not glamorous. This is the epitome of that. No glamour to it. This is real life. He's really gone. He's really never coming back. I'll really never hear that velcro again. Don't make this life glamorous. Don't ever be that stupid.

There have been things happen during this time I would've never expected. Petty things. Things that would normally never be a second thought in my head but now they just make me furious. People posting numerous things about my husband but didn't take 5 minutes out of their partying to stop by or even call. We could obviously see how upset those people were. The ones not around post the most because they need the most attention. People who can't even tag him in a status because they were blocked from his pages but are all of a sudden his best friend. Seriously? People here didn't need attention. We know how upset they were because we were here to see it. People inserting themselves in the situation when they haven't cared about seeing or speaking to him in years but are all of a sudden so distraught over him being gone. I just want to scream "STOP!!! This is my LIFE. Every. Single. Day. I miss him. My whole life as I knew it was over and you had a nice party day this weekend." I haven't because I'm afraid if I let myself get angry I won't ever stop. There have been numerous people post and say things that don't see him that don't bother me because they're not trying to pretend they were super close or best friends or that they've been here for us. I know this probably sounds petty but it's amazing the things that bother you when it becomes about your murdered husband. At this point I guess I don't care who gets mad. I try to keep it to myself but if they run across this, oh well.

Either way, Week 1 is down and over. We survived and we'll survive the next week too unless it's our time to go. Life goes on. It may not be easy, but it is what it is.

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Week 2
Week 3

My new jewelry hangers.

I have been especially stressed out lately. I'm not typically a stressed person, but there have been a million things going on that are just out of my control. I'm not a control freak, but I like to know where things are headed. I have been planning on making some jewelry hangers for a while. When I get stressed I get extra productive. It worked out well in this case, because I now have some really cool jewelry hangers. We caught all the knobs on sale at Hobby Lobby for 50% off and spent about an hour picking them out. Husband wanted his own, kids wanted to pick out some... Yeah, it was a long process. But I loved what we wound up with. These are just some pictures of how I finished them.

Had to cut the right length of board.

I found some wood left by the previous owners of our house under the porch. It was perfect. As you can see, I didn't have any big saws or anything else out. Since we moved we don't have a workshop and it was easier to just cut it than to go to my MIL's to do it. I just decided what length I needed, cut it, and took it to my kitchen sink and washed it off.  Also, please don't judge me below. I was still in pajamas. It was just one of those days. :/ My daughter decided to snap some random pictures so I thought I'd use one.

I measuerd all mine 2.5 inches apart and left that same amount hanging off each end. It balanced nicely.

Drilling some holes.

Counter sunk holes.

I did stain and polyacrylic the fronts before I added the knobs, but most people want the really distressed look now. If that was what I wanted I wouldn't have done anything to it. These are the drilled holes with the knobs and nuts already screwed in. I didn't need the washers. I used 2 drill bits for these holes. I did the smaller part first with a 1/4 inch bit (I think). Drilled those all the way through, then put on a 1/2 inch bit and drilled about halfway through the wood. I did it slowly and had no problems at all. I have never done this before so I was surprised I didn't screw it up. It was easy.




Then my DH used a sawzall with a diamond blade and shaved off the extra length from the knobs. I could have done it, but he likes using the saw. It does look like a tiger stripe on the back of it but you can't tell anywhere else. We could have gotten the grinder out and the back would have been much prettier, but seriously, who's looking at the back when it's on my wall?

He's so helpful

You can't see the saw marks even from the top.

We wound up with something that made us both very happy. We each have our own. I was so happy with the way it came out. There are teeth type picture hangers on the back. One on each end. It sits almost flush with the wall. He loved all the weird knobs, especially the dog head. Too bad they didn't have any breed specific knobs. K9 officers have one track minds sometimes.

This is mine.

This is is TJs.

And the first one I actually made was for my MIL's birthday. She has beachy stuff all over her house so we were able to find the perfect knobs for her. She loved it. Hers is going to have 2 screws attached to each corner and wire wrapped around them so that it will hang on the wall like string for a different look. Fits her house perfectly.

MIL's birthday present.

 So there you go. Fairly easy to make your own cute, custom jewelry hanger. I'm going to make an earring holder from the long cabinet and door handles at some point. Those are already bought and at home too, just haven't had time.

On a side note, if anyone see any knobs anywhere police related, please let me know! I think it would be awesome to have one to put in his office. I say jewelry holders, but it could be a coat rack during the winter as long as it's hung well.

What it's like to love a LEO.

Police Wife. This is a title. It is not a title to be taken lightly, just as Police Officer is not a title to be taken lightly. Even though it is a title that is heavy to carry, it is also one that should be carried proudly. I am proud of my husband and the sacrifices he makes. We are all the same. All of us. All the good police wives. We love our LEO's. We deal with all the crap that comes from their job. I feel very inclined to explain this since lately I have seen way too many girls casually date an officer and then complain about how difficult it is. That is not difficult. You have not earned the right to talk about how difficult it makes your life. I am going to point out some very key differences.

This one was pointed out by a friend and it's a very good example. Saying "Oh no, date night is cancelled" when your boyfriend can't make it to a movie on time is not difficult. Telling your children that you're sorry Daddy won't be home to tuck them in again even though he should've been home hours ago is difficult. Opening presents on Christmas morning without Daddy is difficult. Planning a birthday party around a bad schedule at a bad time just so he can be there and then still having it without him because he got a call out is difficult. Eating dinner as late as possible every night hoping he'll make it home is difficult. School functions, family get togethers, dinners, sleeping... these are all things you learn to do alone and maybe, just maybe, you'll get lucky enough that his schedule makes some time available for something.

We spend a lot of time listening to people talk about how bad LEO's are. We understand that there are some less-than-perfect officers out there. We also know that our husbands ARE NOT those officers. I'm sure you've eaten a bad peanut before, but that doesn't make you think every other peanut in the world is bad so why does this rule apply to LEO's? When you can sit around and talk with your buddies about how sucky officers are you are not invested. When you are invested in your officer, you don't want to hear it. You know when you hear about how an officer was rude on a traffic stop that there's a good chance he was at a call with beaten children right before that. Let's see you act like sunshine and rainbows after you just saw a wife that was beaten to the point they had to go to the hospital. Or had to extract a child from a meth lab. Or watched someone enable an addict by selling them more crack or heroin. Trust me, most people couldn't handle the everyday things officers deal with. Then they come home and guess who they vent to? Us. The wives. They don't give us names or gory details. We get just enough information to understand why they are the way they are tonight. We don't get mad because they may be in a less than pleasant mood. We also don't get mad when we have to take a backseat to our children because those little faces that light up when they see Daddy are his favorite thing to see at the end of the day. We just stand by proudly while he hugs them, glad he made it home to them one more day. We wait our turn, which is usually when he lays on the couch next to us and falls asleep. That is quality time.

When you're a police wife, your day starts when you see your hero getting into a bulletproof vest. Even if you're not home to see this, you know what time it is. That's when your day, no matter what else you have going on, begins. That's when the worry starts. When you have a LEO boyfriend for a week or two you may think it's sexy. It's not. When you have a LEO husband, you don't think about how sexy the uniform is. You think about how easy your life would be if he were getting dressed in anything else. You are not sending your boyfriend out in that uniform. You are sending the love of your life, the father to your children, the person you don't think you can live without, out in it. Not to mention you're sending him out to risk his life for people who for the most part don't appreciate him or even care at all. You think about how that bulletproof vest is hot and miserable for him during the summer but it may be the only thing that brings him home to you one night so you thank God he's hot and sweaty in it. You think about how he carries more than one firearm because he may need extra bullets to stay alive. You can take inventory of his duty belt as well as he can because you truly care about what is in it since those items, from handcuffs to tasers, are what get him home to you. And yes, when you look at him finally all put together you think about how good he looks in that uniform because of the reason he gets in it. Then you wait for hours for the sound of Velcro, because when you hear that you know he made it home one more night.

We are the group of people who are casually grocery shopping with our husbands only to turn around and realize they are nowhere near. We know this means that someone they arrested is nearby and they don't want us to be seen with them. When our husbands don't answer the phone we don't have a mini heart attack because we're jealous, we have one because our worst fears hit the surface. We automatically think they may have gotten shot. Every. Single. Time. We know that when we walk in a restaurant and sit down, we will have our back to the door because they have to observe what is happening and map exits. When we hear a "brother in blue" has been killed, we all mourn because it is a fear all too real for us. We respect firefighters, paramedics, and their wives because we know how their schedules can be and how dangerous their jobs can be. We also feel for our LEO's because they save just as many lives as those professions but they are hated for it. They are in the only life-saving career that most people hate to admit to. It's much easier to say "He works for the city" than to tell the full truth and listen to the stories people have about how some jerk cop pulled them over for going 30 over the speed limit even though they weren't hurting anyone (yet). We have watched them lose "friends" due to their career choice. We have also watched them gain brothers due to their career choice, just as we have gained sisters.

All of these are big things. There are also things to worry about like wrecks, having to send them out in bad weather when other people are heading in, the girls who see a badge or uniform and feel like they need to mess with them whether they are married or not. Just to clarify, most of us are not concerned that our husbands are going to mess around. Most of us are concerned that our husbands will have to arrest us after we find you and handle you for messing with our men. Relationships are hard on LEO's. Imagine being used to get someone out of a ticket, or hanging out with someone who decides you're not worth it because of your job. You think it's hard to wait tables when you're stressed out? It doesn't compare at all to protecting yourself and others daily in the most violent situations out there while stressed out. So if you're a badge bunny, stop. There are other people in the equation to think about. It's not glamorous being with a LEO. It's hard. Not all of us married LEO's. I didn't. I married a great man who I am so proud of for deciding to be an officer, but we took this journey together. I also know ladies who are not yet married to their officer but they have been together for a while through thick and thin and are not using their badge as a status symbol. One day ladies, you will be one of us. And we will welcome you with open arms. Please don't forget this because you will need all the support you can get at some point and we will be willing to give it.

Police Wife: One of the least gratifying but most important jobs out there. Thanks to all who do it well. Our boys could not make it without our unwavering support and love.