Week 23: Fair Time!

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It's coming. I've avoided it at all costs. But it's coming. Let's see if I can pull this years costume off. haha. Yeah, right. Not happening. We all know it. My Friday has been shot already. Nothing other than it being October honestly. Normally I'm planning stuff this month. October please go away. Far, far away.

This just cracks me up. I did a little mouth running Friday thanks to being ill. All true so I don't care but yeah, I did it. Only about myself though. Anyone else harder on yourself than anyone else? I'd be perfect if I could live up to my own unrealistic expectations.

Saturday I got a nice reminder on facebook about how awesome our wedding invitations were last year. They really were. A friend of mine made them and they were wax sealed and all to go withour gothic theme. Ate at Red Lobster. So I ate biscuits for dinner basically. haha. My adopted nephew spent the night with me. Almost. I took him home about 2am just so he would be home in the morning when he got up but he was so good. He slept by himself for the first time ever. His mama did not want to let him go. He has never stayed with anyone before. So I spent the whole evening feeding him junk food. Aunt J for the win! He played with the kids, ran around outside... we wore him out. It was so nice having a happy kid as a distraction. Besties and their kids were here for a while too so he had a last. We had a birthday party for one of my friends teenagers too so there were at least 100 kids at my house. Okay, it may have been more like 5 but it sounded like 100. Why are they so loud? Again, teachers, I commend you. I could not do it. Not even a little. They wear me out just listening to them.

Sunday we all went to spend the night with friends. I got to hang out with my friend, kids got to hang out with theirs. It was nice and got us away from the house. Staying in it has been especially hard this month.

Monday was boring and Tuesday I saw this quote somewhere: "Life is short, live it. Love is rare, hold onto it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it.  Memories are sweet, cherish them."  It put things back into perspective. At least for the day.

Wednesday we went to the fair! As you can see we spent lots of time taking pictures. It was fun and we saw tons of people. We went with a big group and everybody had a good time. Lots of junk food. I had a red velvet funnel cake. It's like heaven topped with powdered sugar and cream cheese icing. Highly recommend this for your next unhealthy choice.

This week also held 2 more missed soccer games. We're writing it off completely. He's getting over it because he's tired of hurting and taking baths. Apparently he misses his showers and isn't a fan of having to soak his legs every night. On a completely unrelated note, I found out this week  my mom is moving here! I CANNOT WAIT!!! Omg. My mom. Here. In the same state. All the time. It's an answered prayer. So this turned out to be a great week.

Links to the previous and next post are below.

Week 22
Week 24

Week 22: First soccer game.

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Friday I got my hair done. It took hours. I love it. I sent lots of ridiculous pictures to my friends because we all need some amusement sometimes right?

I've been feeling less than amusing lately. I'm trying so hard to let go. Not of him. I need to let go of the pain. The sadness.  The constant ache for my children. It's a heavy weight. An unimaginable weight honestly. And letting go is an impossible task this month. I've got it slotted for next month but it's flexible. We'll see. 😂

Either way, I'm trying to do what I need to do for me. Nobody else is living this surreal existence for me. I even went out Saturday night. It was just to our bar with The Besties but I just assumed I'd hole up the entire month so it was nice. Went and got Little2 and she came home but L1 stayed at my MIL's.

I got my living room, kitchen, and pantry cleaned out again. It's a never ending cycle. Do it once,  do it fifty more times. How does it happen? And why do all the people in books seem to get little elf people that help when I seem to get the ones who sneak in when I'm not looking and move all my stuff? We also got some nests built into the chicken coop because we're having eggs now. Sweet girls out there making some delicious breakfast.

Monday the kids were late. I don't know if the alarm didn't go off or if I turned it off. Oh well. It was not on purpose. So I got there, went back home, and enjoyed hot chocolate in my mug my mom got me in Chattanooga. The Cheshire Cat disappears. I don't care if I'm a kid. It's cool.

This was a facebook post from this week. Life insurance folks. Get it and pray it is years of wasted money. It does pay if you go with a good company. Research. Don't take my word for it, but don't delude yourself into thinking it's useless and you won't need it.

We're still trying at soccer. L1 managed an entire half of a game before he couldn't walk. I have a feeling he over did it and won't be playing in another one.I hate it because he loves it but I love him not being hurt long term so we'll see what happens.

Yesterday was just a plain day and today we missed the 2nd soccer game. He overdid it for sure. I knew it while it was happening. He's not as upset about it as I thought he'd be though. I think he's tired of hurting. This was just another "normal" week. Makes for a boring post but a great week for us. 

Links to the previous and next post are below.

Week 21
Week 23

Week 21: Chattanooga IronMan

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This has been a long week but not a terrible one. Friday I packed and tried to mentally prepare for being gone all weekend. Another stress but I was still excited to go to Chattanooga. It was the first IronMan competition I've ever been to and I  was amazed at the people doing it. The amount of motivation and determination they possess is off the chart. Anxiety from packing and knowing I had to travel made me feel like this.

It wasn't all bad though. I took Little1 to see my massage therapist for his shin splints. His Achilles tendon was so tight it was in danger of ripping in half. She worked it out thankfully. If you're in our area you should go see her. She's worked out all of our issues. He has had to soak and ice it all week but it's doing better now. The Besties and their boys stayed the night so we could all leave together the next morning. We ate way too much Chinese food for dinner and tried to go to bed early.

We got up Saturday and left pretty early but we wanted to get there in time to go see all the stuff set up for IronMan and tour Chattanooga a little bit. We met my mom at the hotel and unloaded everything. Have I mentioned all 8 of us were staying in the same room? At first not everyone was going then the hotel booked all the rooms. Glad we're all family! haha. We thought it was going to be crazy. Then we Uber'd a ride and went downtown. It was really nice. One of my favorite cousins lives in Chatt with his wife so we got to see them and they led us on a tour of Chattanooga. We got to visit the MoonPie store and bought all kinds, tried on ridiculous hats (I'm sure the Sorting Hat whispered Gryffindor to me), and bought cream sodas at a great candy store. Also, we SnapChat a lot. :)

My heart.

We ate dinner with some great Team BlueLine members at a pizza place. We actually made the trip to meet them and cheer them on. Delicious food. After dinner we went to the room and as many people as we had staying in it you would think the evening would be miserable but it wasn't. Let me not forget to mention that poor A's pants fell down while he was carrying stuff up the stairs. He couldn't drop the stuff and he couldn't pull his pants up. His wife and I laughed and took pictures. lol. The kids all love each other and sometimes the adults like them too (haha) so it worked out. We shared beds, made pallets, and watched cartoons. Got this random guy to let me take a picture of his shirt the next morning while we were eating breakfast. It was my favorite shirt I saw hands down.

We helped with the TBL tent which also helps by selling shirts, stickers, cups, and all types of things. This is my favorite picture from  the entire trip. This is Barry, one of the Team BlueLine members. He is a previous LEO, a huge supporter of all things law enforcement, and an all around great guy. I know because my children love him. Somehow he got these kids to just follow him around. Some of them don't speak to anyone and yet here they are. He wasn't the only member but he's the only one we got a picture of. Sadly, I didn't even take this. His wife Cindy (who also does IronMan competitions) took it and sent it to me. They were such a blast. I met some awesome police wives while we were there as well. (Hey Sherri!)

Watching the IronMan really was amazing. We saw the first finisher and then we had to head home. We did have another amusing situation on the way home. We were tired and traffic was awful so what did we do? Accelerate the situation by stopping at McDonald's. We had our order together. It was very simple. Ordered very clearly. Then we waited. After 15 minutes we get handed a bag of fries. We stood there for a second while they try to figure out what was going on and then the girl at the counter finally looks at the girl bagging the food and says "It's to go". The girl responded with "All of it?" Dear lord. I thought I was going to die laughing. I am not belittling anyone who works in fast food, trust me. But when you're handed half a bag of food and the other half is on a tray to eat in it is funny. Yes. All of it hon.

The rest of the week was slower. Monday Little2 got her first eggs from her chickens and she was super excited. Can't you tell?

L1 had to miss his first game Tuesday because his leg was still not right. My MIL took them out to dinner Wednesday night which they enjoyed. Another thing that happened Wednesday was one of the police widows I know got engaged. She is younger than me and such a good person. Beautiful, fuuny... She deserves the best life has to offer. We all go through kind of the same things and her being able to be happy and move on gives me hope for the future. I don't want to be alone and unhappy forever. I'm not actively looking to move on but one day I hope I have someone there. I hope the hole gets filled just a little. We also worked on L2's coin puzzle she got. It takes longer than you'd think and it was fun.

Today L1 had to miss his 2nd soccer game as well. I'm afraid he isn't going to be able to play this season. Basically his muscles can't grow fast enough to catch up with his growth spurt. I hate it but he's tough and he understands. I also made a hair appointment. I need a change. I'm getting it for sure next week. Can't wait!

Links to the previous and next post are below.

Week 20
Week 22

Week 20: Just chugging along.

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This week has been busy. I have no complaints about that. The busier I am the better it is. I can feel myself getting even more socially awkward. October is coming up and my mood is everywhere. It just won't balance out. The more I do, the better it is. This is me on my best day. 

Friday was just a boring day. It was a good day though. I felt so much better after talking to my MIL. I really did. So I just enjoyed the day. Kids went to school, came home, cleaned up some, Little2 went to my MIL's, and Little1 went to bed. I went to bed shortly after and actually slept some. It was great. Saturday I hung out with L1 and the besties came over that night for dinner. They stayed the night in the guest house. We're getting ready to start working on it again. That was DH's latest project. It's been hard but it's time to do it. No reason for it to just sit there. 

 

Sunday a friend and I went to IKEA. I got the bed and a couple other things for the guest house. If you've ever been there you know it's a day trip. It's also almost two hours from my house so it was a trip for sure. L1 spent Saturday night with my MIL too so that he could go to church with her so there were no kids with us at least. They do not enjoy getting dragged around a store all day and I don't enjoy dragging them. 

 

Monday was a good day too. I had lunch with a good friend and her girls which are the cutest redheads you've ever seen. Also, one of my first cousins moved to Alaska a few years ago and I haven't seen her since. She has three kids I haven't seen in years either. I don't know how but I managed not to take one single picture. I was just so excited to see her. My MIL started a vacation on Monday as well. She was going with the church and she needed it. They did have a good time thankfully.

Tuesday was a long day too. I worked in my office some (it has been SO neglected) so I can get it straightened up and, oh, I don't know, maybe actually use my stress relief room? How am I supposed to Christmas if I can't make stuff? Also, how am I supposed to Christmas when I'm usually way finished by now? Ugh. This year sucks. I know that seems like the understatement of the century but it does. lol. This particular day wasn't awful until halfway through his 3rd soccer practice L1 got shin splints. They were terrible. We iced and took  care of them that night but he was miserable. I've never seen him hurt so bad. He was a trooper though. We waited it out to see if he could finish practice but he couldn't. Poor thing.

Wednesday the song Braden had been waiting on all morning came on about 5 seconds before he got out. A year ago I can assure you I wouldn't have been the mom to blast the radio while he walked into school so he could hear it but really, what did it hurt? Did some other mom judge me for not being prim and proper? Probably. Did I care? Not even a little. I would never disrupt the classroom but these kids were walking into the school and it wasn't a vulgar or profane song so oh well. Then a friend came over. He's had a rough couple of years himself and sometimes we can just sit and know the year has sucked together while we eat snacks and watch Bob's Burgers.

Today L1 couldn't practice again. He ran for 5 minutes and was done. He was limping so  bad. I hate it for him. I have a feeling this is not going to be his year for soccer. He grew 15 inches in the last year. It's been crazy and I'm positive it has affected how easily he gets shin splints because he's never even almost had one. I started packing today for our weekend trip too. The Littles, Besties, Besties Kids, Mom, and I are all going to Chattanooga for the weekend. Team Blue Line is participating in the IronMan and we're going to watch. They've been so great it's the least we can do. I'm a little apprehensive because traveling is not my thing lately but I also think getting away will be nice. Plus, my whole crew is going so it can't really be bad right?

Links to the previous and next post are below.

Week 19
Week 21

Week 19: The Memorial Weekend

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Here's another one of those posts that deserves a warning label. Reading is now on you. There were two memorials this week so of course it was emotional. These were the last ones for a while as far as I know. I won't be attending anymore right now anyway. It's a lot to handle. It's so nice of people to put so much effort into them but the emotion section of my brain might just shut down to survival mode if I go to another one. Unfortunately this is me. 

Friday was a good day. Got up, got ready, got stuff done, and my mom came down. It's always a good time when she's here and I needed that. I even wore the perfect shirt. Sometimes I have to remind myself it's okay. 

                                           

Saturday. The memorial. There were a lot of people here getting ready but we all made it on time. I don't know how. I sat on the couch and talked to my mom forever. Then there was a 30 minute delay because I just could not make myself get moving. I know it is subconscious avoidance but still. It happened. There was another 30 minute delay because Little2 didn't want to get dressed. She was being difficult so I was furious but once we got into her closet alone she just broke down in tears. She just said she missed her dad. I knew the day would be full of thoughts of him but she started earlier than I expected. We got through the episode by crying together in the closet then picked out an outfit that matched mine. She's beautiful. Also, she's holding Leo the Blue Peep in these pictures. Leo is traveling this year for an organization called We Ride to Provide. They provide K-9 officers with First Aid kits for their furry partners. It's a great organization that my husband worked with over the years so if you ever feel like giving someone a dollar they are another great option. 

Little1 got sick again. He said he only told me but he felt like he might pass out again. The morning had been a lot like the morning of the funeral which is the only time he has ever passed out. I think he was just stressing out. I got some sugar in him and he was better fairly quickly. He's beautiful too. (Nobody is ever allowed to tell him I said that. He'd kill me.) For real though... he is.

We got there a little early and passed out key chains to officers and talked to people. I avoided inside as long as possible. The ceremony was beautiful. Songs were sang, prayers were prayed, and tears were cried. There was a butterfly and balloon release as well. It was all gorgeous. 

It was a long day. We laughed and cried, had a meltdown in a store, made it home all in one piece, and I got to snuggle my nephew a little that evening so it worked out okay. Sunday morning we all got up and went to Law Enforcement Appreciation Day at our church. It was a nice service with a wonderful guest speaker. Look him up. He runs a ministry for officers. 

BFF's youngest had a birthday party Sunday as well since she rescheduled it to go to the memorial. 💙 We went there when we left church. We missed most of it due to church but we made it. Mom left from there going home with my nephew. We hung around for a while and then wasted the rest of the day with friends. It had been a long weekend and we were all exhausted.

Monday was boring. Everyone was still a little irritable from the weekend. It was stressful. We just did our own thing. School, homework, dinner, baths, bed. None of us were mad or even had a bad day. It was just a normal day after a weekend of going nonstop. As boring as that sounds, I am thankful for every "normal" day that comes along. Boring is better than bad. 

Tuesday was a good day. I found an article on Facebook that I liked which is rare. Find it here. I also shared a post that my husband had made after another officer had gotten killed. It's odd to read things like that sometimes. It was helpful to me to be reminded how he felt by him. It's always better directly from the source right?

 L2 wanted to make another video so we did that. She is hilarious. It's here if you want to see it. Now I'm going to share the biggest accomplishment in my life with y'all. I won't keep you in suspense. After 30+ years, I made a good bun. In my hair. MY hair. My I-refuse-to-do-anything-you-ever-ever-want-me-to hair. Okay people, yes, my children are my biggest accomplishment. Don't judge me. But -right after- them is this bun. 

See? That is an accomplishment right? The man upstairs knew I needed a good day because I also found out a friend is having a baby girl. This particular person struggled with getting pregnant and found out she was not long after DH passed. I feel like he knew we needed something new and bright. Then when we got to our first soccer practice we found out one of L1's lifelong friends was on his team. Tuesday was just a really good day. Other than not sleeping. And on that note:

Wednesday was another normal day. Very nice again. Made another video with L2. We were just sitting in IHOP. She's addicted. They are fun though, and this one is a classic. 

This week has been a very long, very difficult one. It has led to some great things though. L1 had his 2nd soccer practice tonight. My MIL and FIL went. After practice she and I started talking about nothing in particular and just wound up having a very long conversation. We were stressed out and few people understand what we deal with on a daily basis. We tend to not talk about our feelings anyway and then on top of that you never want to bring it up in case the other is actually having a good day and not thinking about it. We needed to talk. She needs all the prayers and good vibes you can send to her too. L2 went home with her after practice so she can take her to school tomorrow. She's stopping by to get L1 because he likes to sleep in his own room as much as possible. I assume that's a teenage thing. Whatever. This week is ending on a pretty good note all things considered. Thanks to everyone who has been checking on us!

Links to the previous and next post are below.

Week 18

Week 20

Week 18: Football season is here!

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This week started off with me not having to take the kids to school again. My MIL likes to take the kids since Friday is her one off morning. I am always grateful because that one morning just makes so much difference. By Friday my nerves are shot from staying up all night and not sleeping all day every day. The day was uneventful thankfully. I spent most of it worrying about the next weekend since there was a memorial and then a LEO appreciation church service. I started freaking out. I didn't realize before that part of the memorial was to be held at the crash site. I haven't gone there so I wasn't looking forward to it at all.

Saturday was so much fun. People came over, saved my sanity, and had a blast. We made bath bombs, cooked, watched football (Isn't this the best time of year?), and had some drinks. Every single one of us had a sucky week and none of us was looking forward to the next week so we made the most of it.

Sunday was one of those days. We got up, went to breakfast, and then I literally cried all day. No, I don't know why. I do understand I have a dead husband and most people say that's reason enough but it still sucks when you can't pinpoint what the issue is. Turned out the actual issue happened to be that I was getting sick so I felt like crap. I still had a rough day no matter the reason. I worried about how there is nobody to  get the kids but me. What happens if I get sick and can't get them to school? I can't even put them on the bus because L1 doesn't have a bus that comes by here since he's at a different school. Sometimes the amount of pure responsibility that is on me now just weighs me down. It's no different than a lot of other peoples but it's new to me. Oh, on top of all that the transmission went out in the truck my BFF was borrowing on Sunday too. I knew it was going to happen so it was no big deal but it's still just one more thing.

After Sunday, I knew I would do nothing Monday. So I didn't even try. I just decided to take that time. I was so drained. I managed to get out of bed, get the kids to school, and call the mechanic so he could get the truck picked up so I'll call that one a win and move on. Tuesday was much better. I was told they were moving the location of the memorial from the crash site. I was thankful for that. There was so much hard work put into it that I didn't want to say anything but it turned out that some of the officers didn't think they would be able to go there. That was enough for me. I will not put my boys through more than they've already had to go through. A lot of them carry guilt they don't deserve to carry. Had my DH not given his all for them and they had gotten killed it would've killed him anyway.

Wednesday I decided what tattoo I would get. His BFF used a program and turned his voice into a sound wave of some sort. I have dropped off the file and will be getting it tattooed on me sometime soon. I have gone back and forth between what to get so finally making the decision was a relief. I have chronicled my entire life with tattoos and this is the biggest thing I've ever had happen to me. Not in a good way but that's life.

Today I was still sick and so was L2. I will be having her iron checked next week. We went to L1's soccer tryouts tonight. I expected them to be much longer. I did find out they've been moved to 8 instead of 7:30 which sucks since my kids are in bed by 8:30. I let them watch TV for a little while after they go to bed to wind down but I can't do that with practice starting at 8. Ugh. Oh well. He loves it and he's pretty good. He's been playing for years. After practice I had a talk with my MIL. It was much needed for both of us I think. She has started counseling and I'm proud of her for that. It's hard to admit you need help. Her mother passed away 6 months before her son and her husband passed 9 years ago (she is remarried to a wonderful man now) so it's been especially stressful for her as well. I hope the counseling helps. DH may not need her anymore but we do. <3

We did discover a new app this week and we've been wearing it out. It's just fun and funny. You can watch a couple of the videos here. Maybe you'll get a laugh out of them because we definitely did. :) It wasn't very long ago I would've told L2 that I wouldn't do that with her. I don't even know why. Because somebody might think we looked silly? Oh well. I don't even care anymore. 

Links to last week's post and next week's post are below.

Week 17

Week 19